Forgiveness Doesn't Mean What Happened Was Okay – Seven Truths About Forgiving After Trauma
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Samantha Roach, Integrative Counselor
Samantha Roach is an Integrative Counsellor, author, speaker, and founder of Beauty for Ashes Ministry and Brokenness to Hope CIC (Community Interest Company). Through counselling, workshops, and community programmes, she helps individuals move from trauma, grief, and emotional pain toward healing, hope, and personal transformation.
"How can I forgive someone who hurt me so deeply?" It's a question many people wrestle with after experiencing trauma, betrayal, rejection, or abuse. It is also a question I have had to face in my own life.
For years, I misunderstood forgiveness. I thought forgiving meant somehow saying that what happened to me was okay. I thought it meant forgetting the pain, letting people back into my life, or pretending that the damage they caused didn't matter.
But through my own healing journey, my faith and later my work as a counsellor, I began to understand forgiveness differently.
Forgiveness wasn't about releasing the person who hurt me from responsibility. It was about releasing myself from carrying what they had done.
That distinction changed everything. My journey from brokenness to hope has taught me that forgiveness can be part of healing, but it must never be used to silence someone's pain or rush them through their recovery.
Here are seven truths I have learned about forgiveness after trauma:
1. Forgiveness doesn't mean it was okay
This is perhaps the most important truth. Forgiving someone doesn't make their behaviour acceptable. Abuse was still abuse. Betrayal was still betrayal. Rejection still hurt.
What happened mattered, and the impact it had on you matters too. Sometimes people are encouraged to forgive before they have even had an opportunity to acknowledge their pain.
For me, healing began with honesty. I had to acknowledge what happened before I could begin releasing its hold over my life. Forgiveness didn't rewrite my story. It changed the power the story had over me.
2. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same
We often use forgiveness and reconciliation as though they mean the same thing. They don't. Forgiveness can be a personal decision. Reconciliation involves two people and requires accountability, change, trust, and emotional safety.
You can forgive someone and still decide that they cannot have the same access to your life. That isn't bitterness. It can be wisdom.
This was an important lesson for me because healing wasn't simply about opening the door again. Sometimes healing meant learning when a door needed to remain closed.
3. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting
"Forgive and forget." It's a phrase many of us have heard. But trauma doesn't work like that. Our minds and bodies can hold memories of painful experiences long after the event has passed. Healing isn't about forcing yourself to forget.
Instead, it is about reaching a place where the memory no longer controls your identity, decisions, or future. I haven't forgotten my story. In fact, I wrote about it in my memoir, From Brokenness to Hope.
The difference is that today I can tell my story from a place of healing, rather than being imprisoned by its pain.
4. Forgiveness can take time
Forgiveness isn't always a single moment. Sometimes it is a process. There may be days when you feel you have released something, only for another memory, trigger, or situation to bring the pain back to the surface. That doesn't mean you have failed. Healing is rarely a straight line.
For me, there were layers. As I grew and healed, I began to understand certain experiences differently. Things I thought I had dealt with sometimes needed revisiting at a deeper level. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace.
5. You can forgive and still have boundaries
Forgiveness does not require unlimited access. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say no, protect your emotional wellbeing, and decide what relationships are healthy for you.
For survivors of trauma, this can be particularly difficult because boundaries may initially feel uncomfortable or even selfish. But boundaries aren't punishment. They communicate what you will and will not accept. Forgiveness and boundaries can exist together.
6. Forgiveness doesn't remove accountability
Forgiveness should never be used to protect the person who caused harm from the consequences of their behaviour. People are still responsible for their choices.
This is particularly important when we talk about abuse and trauma. Telling someone they "just need to forgive" can minimise their experience and create further shame.
As a Christian, forgiveness is an important part of my faith. But I have also learned that forgiveness does not mean denying truth.
We can extend forgiveness while still acknowledging wrongdoing. Grace and accountability can exist in the same space.
7. Sometimes the person you need to forgive is yourself
This became one of the deepest parts of my own healing. For years, I carried shame about decisions I had made while I was hurting. I looked back and asked:
"Why did I stay?"
"Why didn't I speak?"
"Why did I make those choices?"
"Why didn't I know better?"
Healing taught me to look at that younger version of myself differently. Instead of judging her through the wisdom I have today, I began to have compassion for the woman who was simply trying to survive with the understanding she had at the time.
Self-forgiveness doesn't mean avoiding responsibility for our choices. It means refusing to spend the rest of our lives punishing ourselves for them.
Forgiveness was part of my journey from brokenness to hope
When I began writing From Brokenness to Hope, I had to revisit painful parts of my story. The abuse. The rejection. The silence. The unhealthy relationships. The choices I regretted. But I also saw something else. I saw the woman I had become.
My story was no longer only about what had been done to me. It was also about what God had done within me. Forgiveness became part of reclaiming my life. I couldn't change my past, but I could decide how much space it would occupy in my future.
Three questions to reflect on
If forgiveness is something you are wrestling with, consider asking yourself:
Am I confusing forgiveness with forgetting, excusing, or reconciling?
What am I still carrying because of what someone else did to me?
Is there a part of myself that I still need to meet with compassion rather than condemnation?
You don't have to force an answer. Sometimes healing begins simply by becoming curious about what we are carrying.
Forgiveness is about freedom
Today, when I think about forgiveness, I don't see it as saying, "What you did was okay." I see it as saying, "What you did will no longer have permission to control my life."
That is very different. My journey has taught me that we can acknowledge what happened, grieve what was lost, set boundaries, hold people accountable, and still choose not to let bitterness become the author of the rest of our story.
For me, forgiveness has been deeply connected to my faith. It has allowed me to place what I cannot change into God's hands while taking responsibility for the healing that is mine to pursue.
I cannot rewrite the beginning of my story. But I can choose what I carry into the chapters ahead. That is one of the greatest lessons I have learned on my journey from brokenness to hope:
"Forgiveness doesn't change what happened. It can change what happens within you next."
Read more from Samantha Roach
Samantha Roach, Integrative Counsellor
Samantha Roach is an ACC-registered Integrative Counsellor, author of From Brokenness to Hope, speaker, and founder of Beauty for Ashes Ministry and Brokenness to Hope CIC (Community Interest Company). Having overcome childhood abuse, addiction, trauma, and profound personal loss, she is passionate about helping others find healing and restoration. With over 1,000 counselling hours and extensive experience supporting individuals, couples, and trauma survivors, Samantha combines professional expertise with lived experience to inspire lasting transformation. Through her counselling practice, workshops, and community programmes, she helps people discover hope, healing, and purpose beyond their pain.
