Fast Chemistry – When It Feels Too Good Too Soon
Dr. Stephanie Norris is the founder of Healing Pathways Collective, LLC, a mental health practice located in Centennial and Littleton, CO. She is an experienced forensic therapist specializing in evaluation and intervention for separating and divorcing families, as well as adults, children, and families facing conflict and major life transitions.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is very tricky to identify in a person. One of the primary reasons NPD is difficult to detect is that narcissists are incredibly charming. On a first date, you are immediately pulled into their narcissistic hook and suddenly realize you do not want to walk away. You want to hear what they have to say. You begin to feel alive and pulled into their world. You give them your undivided attention, and they continue to pull you closer and closer. You begin to develop feelings for them within minutes. It can be attraction, admiration, sexual chemistry, sympathy, empathy, or genuine trust.
They continue to charm you. They focus entirely on you. When you are with them, it feels like you are the only person in the world. They ask you questions about your life and show genuine interest in you. You feel like you have never met anyone like them. They are so in tune with your feelings and presence like no other. They seek more information about you. They dig deeper, asking very personal questions immediately, and you respond because they seem trustworthy. They give you empathy, support, and encouragement right away. You feel completely connected to them, like you haven’t felt with anyone else. You cannot wait to see them again.
You develop fast chemistry. This is part of their narcissistic charm. They put you on a pedestal almost immediately. They will comment on your appearance, your career title, your parenting abilities, your ability to overcome adversity, or something about you that draws them in. They use this as a stepping stone to gain your trust. They show genuine interest in your story.
Now, you may be thinking:
"Isn't this normal?"
"Isn’t it normal to feel a strong attraction to someone you have chemistry with?"
The answer is yes. However, with a narcissist, there is an intentional motive behind their fast chemistry. This is why it is tricky to identify true Narcissistic Personality Disorder in a person.
There are key differences between fast chemistry and healthy chemistry. For example, a client of mine shared with me that when she went on dating apps, there was one man in particular who was aggressive in his pursuit of her. She explained that they texted frequently, which is not abnormal. But when he called her, he often said, “Is it odd to say I miss you already?” This question came after only talking, not meeting in person, for four days. She also explained that he talked “in excess” about their future during their fifth phone call. For example, he gave details of a job change and then reported, “But this will not impact our future together at all. I will have a lot of time for you.” He also told her repeatedly, “I’m so glad we live so close to each other so I can see you all the time.”
The key difference is what I call “big statements.” A big statement is often made with a dramatic flair. For example, people who use “always” or “never” to explain situations or their feelings. The individual pursuing my client made big statements about their future, time, and living so close together. He also assumed that they were already an item before they had even met. This is fast chemistry.
Another client, who has been diagnosed with NPD, shared a story of reaching out to a female friend. He explained that he was having marital problems and reached out to a friend who was a female. He also stated that she was “so kind, caring, and really listened to me.” He began talking to her daily right away. It escalated quickly; soon, they were texting and calling twice a day. Eventually, he was calling her multiple times daily and texting as well. He often reported, “She really gets me, she just understands me.” Moreover, he stated that she was so “in tune with my feelings like I have never felt before.” These statements came only after talking to this girl for two weeks. This is fast chemistry.
Let’s talk about why fast chemistry is a sign of narcissism. Narcissists have an extremely difficult time being alone. As a result, they often pursue or chase their next person aggressively. They charm, make big statements, and woo their next partner immediately. They seek to fill their cup, and when a woman or man feeds this, they become hooked. This is likely what happened to you when you first met your current or past partner.
It is important to note that you did nothing wrong here. This is normal. This is intentional on the narcissist’s part. Narcissists use tactics to lure their partners into a relationship. For example, a client who has NPD shared this story with me:
I paid attention to her. I saw that she loved hot chocolate. So, I went and bought her one every morning before she came into the office and left it on her desk with a little note. I only signed the note with my initial, though. We got married eight months later.
Now, you may be thinking, “That’s so sweet, he paid attention.” However, note the fact that he did it every day. This is a narcissist tactic to pull you in. They need you to notice them. They need you to seek them, which is the tricky part because they pursue you so aggressively at the beginning of the relationship. This is another tactic. They seek aggressively, hook you, and then pull back. In the end, you begin seeking them.
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Dr. Stephanie Norris, Psych Candidate, LPC, LAC
Dr. Stephanie Norris earned a PhD in Clinical Psychology, specializing in Forensic Psychology. She has conducted many parenting evaluations and testified as an expert in parenting disputes and related cases on numerous occasions in several Colorado counties. She consults with parents, attorneys, and mental health professionals on complex family law matters and has presented at professional conferences. She also served as adjunct faculty at the University of Denver, providing teaching and clinical supervision. Dr. Norris is a psychologist candidate, licensed professional counselor, and licensed addiction counselor. She uses an integrative and goal-focused treatment approach, collaboratively setting goals after a thorough assessment.
