Expat Life – The Aging Parent Conundrum
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 1, 2022
- 5 min read
Written by: Caroline Tapken, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Expat life often comes with unexpected consequences, and how to help, or care for, aging parents is one of those that tends to sneak upon us.
When you embarked on an international adventure in your 20’s, you didn’t think about what will happen when your parents get older – we were young, they were young… we didn’t expect to be gone so long… and let’s face it, if we worried about all the ‘what ifs’ we would never do anything!
The years pass, we continue working overseas, moving from country to country, enjoying expat life, adjusting to different cultures, welcoming visiting family and friends. Having fun and feeling invincible.
Then suddenly, we turn around and our parents are old. Maybe we lose one, and one remains. Sometimes other family members are around, sometimes our parent(s) are alone. What do you do? How do you handle any support they might need when your life is so far away from them?
The Centre for Aging Better states that by 2036, one in four of the population (UK) will be over 65. That is a frightening statistic, and knowing the state of social care post-pandemic, just imagine the drain on a country’s resources, and the pressure on individual carers, that is going to have.
It’s not an easy conversation to have or a simple decision to make, but how much thought have you, as an expat, given to what lies ahead when it comes to the care of your aging parents?
Ways of Coping
I’ve come across a number of ways expat families handle the challenge of aging parents: in one case, the father and teenagers plan to stay in their host country, and the mother (aka daughter of aging parent) will move back to her family home, to live with and care for her mother. The husband travels extensively and ‘intends’ returning to the UK at least every couple of weeks. The kids will visit during school holidays… Mother will spend some time with them all overseas, (although quite what happens to aging mother when she travels, I don’t think they have worked out yet). That is the plan, anyway. Realistic? Perhaps for a short time, but long term? Would this work for you?
In another case, a young couple, currently thoroughly enjoying their expat lifestyle, is talking about moving ‘home’ to be closer to aging parents when children are born. The question here is, what happens to the business, and their careers? Will they be able to build a decent life when returning home with a young family, having to find jobs, and adjust to life as repats as well as taking care of an aging parent. What are their alternatives?
In yet another case, the entire family packs up and moves back to their home country to be closer to aging parents, in order to offer regular support – uprooting everyone and facing an uncertain future themselves.
Finally, could you maintain the status quo, fly back for regular visits, and live with the potential guilt of not being on hand when your parent(s) need you the most?
The situation is further complicated when your partner is of a different nationality, and there are two sets of parents living in different countries!
Address the Elephant in the Room
Everyone’s circumstances are, of course, completely different, and each situation has to be examined on a case-by-case basis, but there are a few things you can do before reaching a critical stage, to at least have the outline of a plan in place.
Number ONE is to TALK about it, in advance of the problem. Waiting until it becomes an issue is like burying your head in the sand… it is simply not going to help, and a solution will not magically present itself when the time arises.
Consider the following questions:
How would your parent(s) feel if you gave up the expat life you loved to move closer to them, in order to take care of them? Guilty? Happy? Sad? Ask them!
How would you feel? Resentful? Resigned? Delighted?
How will it affect the children – negatively and positively – to be uprooted at a potentially critical time in their education?
Are you willing to live apart for the sake of the wider family? With one partner remaining overseas to work whilst the other returns home to take care of the parents?
The ‘what happens if…’ discussion is not easy, but the process can be quite helpful in determining options, and opinions, BEFORE you are required to make decisions.
Action Plan
Whilst recognising that every situation is different, I would like to suggest some things for you to consider in your planning:
Communication: Developing an understanding of everyone’s wishes and expectations is the first step in designing a well thought-through action plan.
Emergency Travel Fund: Set up an emergency savings plan, so you can hop on a plane if a parent has an accident, or you feel the need to visit at short notice.
Make Good Use of TODAY: Spend time with your parents whenever you can – before they get too old to visit you, particularly when the kids are growing up, so they actually know their grandparents. Regret and the ‘I wish I had spent more time with them’ thought process is not one you wish to live with. Take time off to be with them, when they visit you.
Take Action Now: Don’t leave it until you realise, they are getting old. Have the discussion and take the action NOW.
Talk: with your parents, with your partner, with everyone involved. Discuss how you feel, and what you would like to do. Find out how they feel, and what they would like to happen. Preferably in advance of any decisions needing your immediate attention.
Communication is key. Second-guessing how everyone feels is just not smart. The only way to come up with an action plan is to involve everyone in the discussion, and to talk about it before it becomes critical.
Whilst no-one wants to think about their parents getting old, or of losing them, for expats, it is not as simple as jumping in the car and taking a few days off work to take care of them should they have a fall, or become ill. The best decisions are never made when under stress, so giving careful consideration to what you would / could do, ahead of time, would seem to be a smart move. Right?
Caroline Tapken, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Caroline works with Expats and Repats to help them plan their future, so they can enjoy the retirement they deserve.
She is a seasoned expat herself, with 35+ years of living and working in the Caribbean, the USA, Asia and the Middle East, and a marketing & communications professional with a strong hospitality and travel background.
Caroline is Mum to two third-culture-kids (TCKs) and a rescue Basenji-Saluki mix. She recently returned to live in the UK and is Listener-in-Chief at Joy & Purpose Life Coach.
