When Loss Becomes a Teacher -The Life Work of Leoniek van der Maarel
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 24
- 6 min read
Brainz Magazine Exclusive Interview
Leoniek van der Maarel is one of Europe’s leading grief and bereavement psychology voices. Based in the Netherlands, she has dedicated more than 25 years to breaking the silence around loss and helping individuals, families, and professionals navigate its impact. Through her Grief Training Centre (Academie voor Verlies), she trains therapists, coaches, and practitioners who often feel unprepared when confronted with grief in their work, giving them the confidence and tools to support clients with empathy and depth.
Her influence extends into pioneering methodologies. She co-founded the SCHIPaanpak, a widely used approach that reframes divorce not as conflict but as grief—a perspective that has transformed how separating couples navigate breakups. She has authored several books, including Kinderen in Spagaat, a widely read guide for parents and professionals on the effects of separation on children.
Known for blending innovation with compassion, van der Maarel integrates tools such as Lutografie, an online grief processing program, and Deepfake Therapy, which leverages AI technology to help people process unspoken words and unresolved questions. She also incorporates insights from positive psychology to help people find resilience and meaning.
“Everything I do is about breaking the taboo around grief,” she says, “and turning it into a path of connection and growth.” Whether through her keynotes, writings, or groundbreaking therapeutic methods, Leoniek van der Maarel is reshaping the way society understands and responds to loss.
Can you share a little about your background and what first inspired you to work in the field of grief and bereavement support?
My own personal experience of loss played a big role, too. At 34, I lost my first husband and I stayed behind with our 5-year-old daughter. There was little to no bereavement therapy, especially not for children. And, as is a ‘normal’ path in grief, there came a time I wanted to make sense of the senseless and went to university to study psychology. There, my work with, at first, bereaved children began. Later on, I also started to help adults and families as a whole.
As bereavement fits many forms of loss, I broadened my work to working with (terminally) ill people and their families.
What personal experiences or turning points shaped the path you’ve taken in your career?
The death of my first husband was a profound turning point in my life. It gave me a deep, lived understanding of grief—not just as a professional concept, but as something that lives in your body, heart, and mind. Later, working with families going through divorce, I saw similar themes of grief and disconnection.
In hindsight, I could feel the grief I had as a child when my parents divorced (which was in 1977, quite extraordinary at that time). And later on, when I got my first breast cancer diagnosis (2013, the second one in 2024), I recognised all the bereavement ‘stages’ and what was needed to get through it. Those experiences shaped my conviction that grief isn’t only about death; it’s about all forms of loss. That insight led me to develop new methods to support people in finding their way forward.
How would you describe your mission of supporting people through loss?
My mission is to create a world where grief is no longer a silent struggle, but a supported path forward. I want people to feel seen, acknowledged, and empowered in their grief—not treated as if they should “move on” or “be strong.”
Grief is not something you fix; it’s something you learn to live with, and it can also become a source of resilience and connection.
You’ve created unique methods such as Lutografie and Deepfake Therapy. What inspired you to develop these, and how do they work in practice?
Both methods grew from my belief that people need creative and accessible ways to engage with their grief.
Lutografie is an online therapeutic program that helps people process grief step by step, at their own pace, using exercises, articles, TED talks, meditation, and reflection. It gives structure to something that often feels overwhelming and chaotic.
Deepfake Therapy is more experimental: it uses AI-generated video to create a conversation with someone you’ve lost. It’s not about replacing the person, but about giving space to unspoken words, unresolved questions, or simply the need to see and hear them one more time. Both approaches are about finding healing in dialogue—whether with yourself, your story, or the memory of your loved one.
What do you think is one of the biggest misconceptions people have about grief, and how do you try to change that perspective?
One of the biggest misconceptions is that grief follows a neat timeline or set of “stages,” and that after some months or a year, it should be “done.” That grief can be solved with a ‘plan,’ with steps, with ‘looking into the future.’
In reality, grief is not linear, and it doesn’t have an expiry date. What changes is your relationship to the loss—you carry it differently over time. I try to shift that perspective by normalizing the ongoing nature of grief, and by showing people that continuing bonds with the deceased (or with what has been lost) are healthy and meaningful. No tips given, just questions asked, where people can find their own answers.
Working with loss and grief can be emotionally heavy. How do you take care of yourself while being present for your clients?
I take care of myself by creating balance—running is an important outlet for me, and spending time with my family and friends keeps me grounded. I also try to practice what I teach: allowing space for my own emotions, not pushing them away.
Humor, too, plays a big role in my life; it lightens even the heaviest days. Self-care is not about avoiding grief, but about making sure I have enough energy and joy to stay present with others.
But maybe the best way for me to take care of myself is the knowledge that practically anyone has the resilience to get through, to learn to live with the loss, however big this is. That has been my own experience, but also the experience of the many, many clients I have seen over the past 25 years.
Looking back, is there a particular story or moment with a client that has stayed with you and reinforced why this work matters so much to you?
There are many, but one that stays with me is a young man who lost his wife ánd baby daughter during childbirth. Broken, devastated, no outlook in life and losing everything he loved, he came to me. And, of course, I could not do anything to make the loss any lighter.
But I knew (again, thanks to my experience) that staying present during his outbursts of pain, him feeling powerless and at times not wanting to go on, that there would come a time that he too would pick up on life. And so he did. He did that by finding ways to keep his wife and child close.
We talked about them, fantasised, and found ways to make this palpable. “The relief and warmth in that moment—the sense that the wife and child were once again present in the room—was unforgettable.” It reminded me why acknowledgment matters so deeply: grief needs witnesses. Those moments of recognition are what make the work worthwhile.
If you look ahead, what is your biggest hope for how society approaches grief and loss in the future?
My biggest hope is that grief becomes something we can talk about as naturally as we talk about love or joy. That schools, workplaces, and communities build spaces where people in mourning feel supported instead of isolated.
Ultimately, I hope that we move away from a culture of silence and trying to ‘fix’ the bereaved person and towards a culture of compassion—where grief is seen not as something that we should not talk about or avoid (also for the bereaved person themselves), but as a universal human experience that connects us all.
Leoniek van der Maarel has transformed her personal tragedies into a professional mission that is reshaping how we understand grief. Through her innovative programs, therapeutic methods, and commitment to training others, she challenges outdated ideas about loss and offers a vision of resilience, connection, and compassion. Her work proves that grief, while deeply painful, can also become a path to healing and growth when it is met with acknowledgment and support.
For more info, follow Leoniek van der Maarel on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and visit her website.
