Envy – Your Green-Eyed Friend
Written by: Clive Rooney, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Let's just reflect for a moment. How many of us can truly say that we have never experienced envy? Being human mandates that we will share the full panoply of emotions that we are hard-wired to feel. But how many of us can see the often translucent link between this very normal emotion and mental health suffering? Robert Leahy https://rdcu.be/cW8LHrt discusses how envy is deeply rooted in our evolutionary adaptation of dominance hierarchies and status. So if we think about it, envy, like all of our emotions, is healthy, normal, and even productive, right? That is, until the point we stop using envy as a vehicle to drive our ambition and motivation and convert it into something that perpetuates maladaptive emotional and mental health.
Keep it simple, keep it human!
Let's first remember that envy is normal, human, and real. Because you are alive, you are being authentic and honest. Very often in my practice, I encounter very talented and gifted individuals who are oblivious to their natural aptitudes and blindsided by the achievements of others in their work, their social relationships, and even their golf-playing partners! One of my philosophies in treating my clients is to embrace the vastness and richness of their lived experiences to always allow myself to learn from them. On numerous occasions, I have heard my clients launch into an endless tirade of self-attack for simply experiencing this green-eyed emotion. " What's wrong with me? Why am I feeling this? Am I normal? Why can't I be like everybody else? Let's take a step back, set aside some time for ourselves, even 5 mins a day, compose ourselves and look at ourselves from above, like watching a movie in black and white at the back of the cinema: You feel envy because you are human, real and alive. You are just like everybody else, your mother, father, brother, sister, work colleague, and friends. You feel it because we are made to feel it, we are born to experience it, and we are existing.
Don't Compare ‒ but Choose!
Let's just continue to step out of life for a moment and 'be' with ourselves. Let's just put the 'rat race' on hold and uncouple ourselves from the prison that we place ourselves into. Validate yourself, be kind, compassionate, and real! Instead of comparing yourself to the guy in the office who has more recognition, or to the friend who has a nicer car, or even to your golf competitor who seems to effortlessly pull birdies out of his game armamentarium quicker than his clubs, just pause. Recognize that these are just fleeting, momentary private experiences that come and go. Mental health decay results not from envy but from what comes from envy, that is, how we think about it, interpret it, evaluate it, and use it. Let's first switch from comparing and contrasting ourselves with others in every facet of our lives to choosing to accept it, embrace it and be with it, and not act on it. If we allow ourselves to open the prison door, then we can escape the self-imposed mental misery that social comparisons can have in keeping us locked up.
Value-added envy!
Leahy (2015) explains how we tend to compare ourselves in a specific sphere of evaluation that we believe we are lacking or deficient in. So what this means in effect is that typically if we generate happiness from within and have certain core values that are vehicles for purposeful, meaningful experiences in life, we would not be at all perturbed if we hear that a work colleague has got a raise in salary for doing the same job as you for the similar work. This and countless other life examples that I encounter every day with my clients exemplify that human nature constantly is strangled by an insatiable quest for status. This is the bottom line, this is the crux, and this is why we feel envy as human beings. Let's go into observation mode again. Following on from validating your envy experience, focus on what you value in life. What gives you that sense of intrinsic joy and meaning in your life? Does this 'rat race' collective internalized mentality ever just stop and listen to what is important in your life? When we just sit ourselves down, reflect for a moment and simply listen to what gives us valued meaning in life, then ask ourselves the following question: How would I feel if I was viewing this rewarding experience from the eyes of my 6-year-old self? Think about it. Place yourself even for one minute in the world of your young child, niece, or nephew who is experiencing the rich treasures of life for the first time.
Envy and YOU
Ask yourself the following question; Who am I? Can I reduce myself to a particular rank, status, trait, or position? Recently I had a client who equated his entire self-worth with his work. This client had imprisoned himself in an incarcerated cell of self-defeat, depression, and unending social comparisons with his colleagues. Before therapy, this client never considered his ' authentic and varied self' from anything other than his position in the workplace. When we do this, we are imposing on ourselves a very linear and dangerous self-contract. We focus on one aspect of our self-worth and interpose this unreliable entity between ourselves and the perceived elusive concept of inner happiness. Indeed this formula that we swear by in life can vary across other dimensions as well, such as to be the best tennis player in the club, the most popular friend in the social group, or even to have the biggest and most expensive car in the neighborhood!
Relinquish and Appreciate
I once had a client in therapy who had a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Therapy sessions would typically follow a course of self-aggrandizing boasts of his new Mercedes Benz deliberately parked outside my practice next to the window. One day I asked my client: " Who else are you? what else are you? I appreciate you for telling me about your new car. Yes, I am getting it. You are a brand new Mercedes Benz driver! I got it! But what else are you? This client gave me a look that I could only describe as something akin to when Richard Dreyfuss saw the UFO for the first time in the movie Close Encounters of the First Kind. Are you a father, a son, a good friend, a caring partner, a loving brother, someone who loves to watch football, or someone who gets enjoyment from walks in the forests? Self-worth is immeasurable, happiness must come from within, and you are more than a trait, a behavior, a relationship, a golf handicap, or a salaried status.
Find what you value, keep perspective and take productive everyday steps to appreciate what makes you unique and special, what rewards you in life, and above all, what you value more than anything. Make envy your friend instead of your enemy, and use others' skills that you envy to your advantage. Even honor them, and cherish them instead of locking yourself into a pit of self-induced rage and depression. Use envy as a signpost to add value to yourself, to enhance, and to motivate. Step back, step out and find the inner value and take small, simple, and constructive steps to rewards in your life. This is the formula, the key to unlocking the misery and suffering that envy all too often unleashes in us.
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Clive Rooney, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Clive Rooney is a leading mental health psychotherapist, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy practitioner, and owner of CliveCare. Clive's philosophy of positive mental health maintenance has been influenced by his time spent with courageous and inspiring people who overcame mental health suffering. From his earliest beginnings, he was driven by an insatiable desire to remove the obstacles that prevent sufferers from achieving inner contentment and peace in their minds and hearts. Currently working for the Health Service Executive In Rep of Ireland and owner of CliveCare Psychotherapy mental health services, Clive is a member of the IACP ( Irish Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy) ‒ Build a Compassionate Mind.
Reference:
Leahy, R L. (2015) Emotional Schema Therapy. The Guilford Press.
