Ending Grief – Spiritual and Emotional Intelligence
Written by Simon Lau, Master at Simon Lau Centre
I am the founder of The Simon Lau Centre. I was born in China and, from a young age, educated by Buddhist monks. This instilled in me the belief that the minds that coordinate the activities of violence can coordinate the activities of cooperation. Everyone has an equal right to eliminate suffering and seek happiness.
Grief is a wound that requires acknowledgement, expression, and patience. This article offers a compassionate approach to navigating loss, unpacking hidden emotions, releasing guilt and anger, and embracing practices that transform suffering into strength, wisdom, and deeper love.
Grief is a wound
To heal, it must be acknowledged and attended to with care. To work through and complete the grieving process is to face our feelings openly and honestly, to express, release, and accept them, no matter how long it takes. Grief unexpressed becomes grief that lingers indefinitely.
In the case of sudden loss, survivors often experience a whirlwind of unfamiliar emotions, especially anger, directed at what they perceive to be the cause of death. Support them in expressing that anger. If held inside, it can fester into chronic depression. Help them release it and uncover the deeper pain that lies beneath.
It’s not uncommon for someone to feel intense guilt after the death of a loved one. They may replay moments from the relationship obsessively or torment themselves with thoughts of what could have been done differently. Let them speak, even if what they say feels irrational or tangled in shame. With time, these emotions soften. Slowly, they will forgive themselves and begin to move forward.
Ending grief
When you’re overwhelmed by suffering, inspire yourself. Begin with “bringing the mind home.” One powerful method is to go into nature, let your tears pour freely, and let your grief flow downward like water. Allow nature’s wisdom to soothe and purify you.
Visualize buddhas and enlightened beings above and around you, radiating compassionate light and offering their presence and blessing. In their embrace, speak your truth. Say what’s in your heart to the one you’ve lost.
Let your heart open. Express any anger or hurt you’ve held. Offer your forgiveness freely. Tell them of your regrets and all the pain you may have caused. Say everything that needs to be said, then ask yourself gently, "Can I now truly say farewell? Can I let go?"
Imagine the person turning away, leaving in peace. This practice allows you to express your love one more time, to help the one who has passed, and to complete and heal the relationship within your heart.
Learning from bereavement
Grief can be a fierce teacher. If you allow it, it will force you to look directly at life and ask difficult questions. After loss, you may find yourself alone, facing a new beginning, and ask, “What will you do with this life? Why do you wish to continue living?”
Bereavement reminds us of love unspoken, of forgiveness withheld. It invites us to be vulnerable and receptive, courageous and patient. Above all, it asks us to share our love more deeply, with urgency, with presence.
Helping through suffering
In time, you may feel mysteriously grateful for your pain. It offers you the chance to work through and transform it. Hidden within suffering, within the rawness of despair, is the seed of bliss. When you are most vulnerable, you may also be closest to your strength.
Suffering teaches us compassion. It attunes us to the pain of others. If you suffer, you know suffering, and you carry the capacity to help with authenticity and depth. So, do not shut out your pain. Accept it. Stay open. Even in desperation, allow the pain to be. It may be offering you something profound, the discovery, through spiritual practice, of what lies beneath sorrow.
Rumi reminds us
“Grief can be the garden of compassion.”
If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain may become your most powerful ally in the search for love and wisdom.
Final reflections
We know, too well, that protecting ourselves from pain doesn’t work. When we defend against suffering, we suffer more and miss the lessons it contains. As Rainer Maria Rilke wrote:
“A heart that has never been exposed to loss, innocent and secure, cannot know tenderness, only the won-back heart can ever be satisfied.”
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Simon Lau, Master at Simon Lau Centre
I trained in martial arts and qigong. The discipline training became an invaluable tool to teach me how I could overcome my fear of violence and allow myself to perform in everyday life in a more spontaneous and constructive way. In keeping with the Warrior tradition, I have focused my life as much on being a healer as being a martial artist. I am a sincere practitioner of qigong, Chinese herbal medicine, and Chinese astrology, believing that physical, emotional, and spiritual health are essential for self-development and inner awareness. Everyone has the potential to improve and change because each new day represents a new life. Every hour of our time is a gift.
