Embracing the Journey from Shame to Empowerment
- Jan 9
- 6 min read
Written by Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey is a counsellor, life coach, supervisor, and critical incident debriefer. She has spent two decades in this field and works with individuals, groups, and businesses.
Of all the emotions we experience as humans, I feel that shame can be the most destructive. When I think about my own experience with shame, it was an emotion that crippled me for over 20 years of my life. Shame had become a core belief that I held about myself. I was bad. I was a bad person.
The effect it had on my life was huge. I was a people-pleaser, I shied away from relationships, I gave too much to people who never gave back, and I kept myself small. I turned down invitations for social events, refused to apply for promotions at work, and avoided anything that took me outside of my comfort zone. I had chronic depression and turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and give me confidence. And I was confident when I was high. I was loud, funny, and the one who would do things that others would not. Everyone wanted to be around me, and I would often hear, “You are so funny and mad!” This gave me a sense of self-worth in that moment, and it became addictive. People thought I was happy. They never guessed how I really felt, and now, years later, people who were around me at that time say, “I cannot believe that you felt that way. You hid it so well.”
What was actually happening was that shame had locked me into a cage. On the weekends, I would be a happy-go-lucky girl who was abusing drugs and alcohol, and then, when Monday came, I would be so ashamed of what I had done over the weekend that my depression would cripple me. I would get up, go to work, then come home, get into bed, and hide away until the next day, when I had to face the world again. This was a pattern I had for many years, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I hated the version of me that took drugs because that was not who I truly was, and it brought me so much shame. It added to the narrative I believed about myself, that I was a bad person. I wanted to end my life so many times during those painful years because I thought there was no way out. I just could not see how things could get better for me.
So where did this narrative come from? I look at a person’s early years as training. I know that life is a series of events that we learn from, but the training we receive from birth plays a huge part in who we become. We learn to walk, to talk, to eat, to use a knife and fork. Later, we learn to read and write, to socialize with others, to drive a car, or to learn a new skill. We also learn who we are as people and start to build core beliefs. This is all taught by our caregivers and the environment around us.
If we are in a secure environment and have safe caregivers who nurture and praise us, we develop a “good” sense of self. We learn that people love us, that the world is safe, and that we are good people who can achieve what we want. If we are in an environment where we are shouted at, told that we are bad, and that we are an inconvenience, we learn that the world is not safe and that we are bad. Because that is what we are trained to believe.
My childhood was not safe. I was bullied by family members and made to believe that this was happening to me because I deserved it. I did not have a safe person because when I asked for help, I did not get it. I was told that things were not that bad and I was making it up. I have a vivid memory from my sixth birthday. I was on the bus with my dad, and he turned to me, pointed at me, and said, “You aren’t getting any presents because no one likes you.” Situations like this caused me to internalise everything that was happening as a “me” problem. If I was not a bad person, then this would not be happening to me. My six-year-old self did not understand that what was happening was abusive and cruel.
Any kind of abuse can cause shame. Because of the safety I was not getting at home, I went out into the community to try and find it. I was so lost and did not feel that I belonged anywhere. This vulnerability led me into the hands of predators. I was sexually abused from the age of twelve. The men that did this to me made me believe that I wanted it to happen. That I had caused them to do what they did to me. And I believed that for many years. The 12-year-old me did not have the experience or emotional intelligence to realise that this was not my fault. Remember our training. What was I trained to believe in this situation? I am bad. But I was not at all. I was a child that had been let down by every adult in my life. People that should have known better.
When I started my healing journey, shame was the biggest hurdle I had to get over. There was a huge part of me that I had locked away. Carl Jung calls this our “shadow self.” Although I was not abusing drugs and alcohol anymore, I was still deeply ashamed of that version of me. I hated her. I had pushed her into the shadows because I thought she belonged there. I did not want anyone to see her. The “shadow self” is the parts of us that we think society will not like. We become a version of ourselves that needs to “fit in.” The person I thought society wanted was the one who gives, the one that must be of some use even if that meant abandoning myself. So how did I get over that hurdle? I went inwards and walked into my shadow. I looked at my training and started to see that I was fed a false narrative. I learned that the shame I had was never mine to carry. It was all the people that had failed me and abused me.
This was the hardest thing I had ever done, but also the most healing and freeing. A wise person once said to me, “If you could line up all the past versions of you, you should thank them for not giving up,” And I do. I thank the me that did not take her own life, I thank the version of me that was brave enough to walk in the darkness, and I thank the version of me that still was able to have compassion and empathy for others even though life had been so hard for me. I do not have any shame anymore. I also do not have a shadow self either. There is no part of me that belongs there. I am loud and proud of who I am and what I have overcome. I have alchemised my pain into power, and apart from the birth of my son, it is my biggest achievement so far.
So, for the person that is reading this, I want you to think about your own training. What was your childhood like? Were you cared for and nurtured? Did you have a safe person? Have you experienced any trauma? Do you live with shame? Is that shame stopping you from living your life?
And the most important question. Is it yours to carry? The last thing that I want to say is your shadow self is not out to get you. It wants your love and compassion. If you have the courage to walk in the shadows, you may find the answers that you seek. Let the light in.
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Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey runs her own business, working with people to create a life that brings them purpose and joy. A victim of childhood abuse, she has since dedicated her life to helping others. She works internationally and has clients in different parts of the world as well as in the UK, where she is based. Jenny's mission is to educate people about the ability to heal themselves. She believes that everybody should have access to counselling and life coaching, no matter what their circumstances are.
