Embrace the Gap in Support for New Fathers
Jane Honikman, M.S., became an activist for parental mental health after placing her first-born baby for adoption. She is the founder of Postpartum Support International, an author, and recognized as a leader of the social support movement promoting the emotional well-being of parents and their families.
I have been hearing the voices of new fathers since I became a mother myself. However, I wasn't always listening. The first postpartum male voice I heard was that of my husband. Breastfeeding was not going well. He expressed exasperation, desperation, and fear by saying, "You're starving our baby." I received lactation help, but there was no emotional support for him.
Years later, I facilitated a new parents' discussion group. A new father expressed his irritation and frustration about his role by saying, "Stop criticizing how I'm putting on the diaper." This time, I began to listen.
I answered a phone call to the Warmline from a father. He cried while sharing that his wife, the mother of their infant, had filed for divorce and custody. He had no idea what had happened to his marriage. I actively listened to his tragic story. There were no local resources for him.
I heard a man tell how he had accompanied his girlfriend to the first ultrasound appointment. The technician turned her back on him and spoke only to the woman. He felt left out and ignored.
The needs of postpartum fathers have been marginalized. There are few, if any, resources designed to include the father-to-be during pregnancy and after the arrival of the infant. What I've learned by listening to husbands and fathers is that we must embrace these gaps. The strategies I used will help you too.
Give acknowledgement: The fact is, an egg requires sperm for pregnancy. Nature takes over the woman's body, so naturally she becomes the focus of attention. But what about the "pregnant" man? Who listens to his joys and fears?
1. Pay attention
Anthropologists have observed, in some cultures, a male experience of pregnancy called couvade. Some men exhibit somatic symptoms that are overlooked and misinterpreted. We need to pay attention to the medical needs of men too.
2. Ask thoughtful questions and provide support
The pregnant couple is transitioning from being a duo to parenthood. As individuals, and together, they are entering a new phase of life. This journey is scary as well as exciting. They are facing challenges, decisions, and fears. Pregnancy is a time to have conversations. Who will provide a safe environment where they can talk, cry, and not be judged?
3. Know the truth
Having a baby is hard on relationships and marriage. Statistics challenge the hope that the addition of a baby will preserve or even improve partnerships.
4. Men have hormones too
There may be hormones that prepare men for fatherhood. Studies are limited, but perhaps men who are exposed to a pregnant partner may have hormonal changes. Where is the research on fathers?
5. Watch for depression
Statistically, rates of postpartum depression are the same in fathers and mothers. We know who is at risk. It is essential to be frank about personal and family histories of mental illness. There is no shame in acknowledging the truth. Stigma does nothing but keep one from getting help.
6. Keys to wellness
Fathers and mothers need to sleep, eat well, exercise, have time for themselves, share their emotions, and get support. Pregnancy and the postpartum period wreck routines. It is not easy to accept help, but it is a foundation for successful parenting and wellbeing.
The role expectations for men as husbands and fathers have changed dramatically during my lifetime. My father never changed diapers. His role was as the provider and protector. My husband, in contrast, was emotionally invested in our pregnancies and his role as an involved father.
Parental mental health is the "new" social movement. Contrary to current thinking, pregnancy and postpartum issues should not be labeled as gender-specific. Our children will benefit from listening to the needs of both parents.
Visit my website for more info!
Read more from Jane Honikman
Jane Honikman, Parental Mental Health Consultant
Jane Honikman began her career in 1977 while struggling as a young parent by co-founding Postpartum Education for Parents (PEP). Her vision led to her founding Postpartum Support International (PSI). She consults, trains, and mentors individuals on how to promote family emotional wellbeing in their own communities based on her own experiences from conception through grandparenthood. Jane's pragmatic approach offers comfort, encouragement, guidance,e and support through her Parental Action Institute (PAI).
