Dealing With Guilt – How To Break The Unseen Shackle Tethering Us To The Past
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 7, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Ashish Singh, Life Coaching and Healing
Ashish, founder of the calm mind life coaching in Toronto GTA, ranks among the top 10 life coaches, blending eastern wisdom and western techniques in his 'Medit-action' approach. With 15 years of experience, he's committed to enriching lives, promoting peace and clarity, and charting paths to success and happiness—one mind at a time.
Ever find yourself lying awake, going over things you did, or didn’t do, years ago? The decisions made, the words left unspoken, replaying like an old film reel you can’t turn off. It’s strange, isn’t it? That urge to reach back and change what’s already done, to imagine a different version of events where you acted just a bit differently. Welcome to the world of guilt, where every misstep, real or imagined, feels like it’s engraved in stone.
One such memory always stands out for me. A close friend was going through a dark time, and I, tangled in my own whirlwind of responsibilities, didn’t show up as I should have. Months later, when he’d finally pulled through, he told me how alone he’d felt—and how much my absence had stung. That moment still sits heavy. I’ve replayed it countless times, wondering why I didn’t just pick up the phone or check in more often. That’s the thing about guilt—it grabs hold of your memory, trapping you in a moment that can never be changed, no matter how many alternate endings you dream up.
Guilt is like an invisible chain around your ankle, tethering you to a past that’s immovable. Each time you replay it in your mind, the chain only grows tighter. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? The weight of all the things you should have done, could have said. But what’s even heavier is the realization that, despite the constant replay, the past remains untouched.
The many faces of guilt
Guilt comes in many forms, each one shaped by our unique life experiences and beliefs. Here are the main types that tend to hold us captive:
Moral guilt: This is the kind I felt with my friend—a guilt triggered by the violation of our own moral code. Maybe you lied, hurt someone, or simply failed to act when someone needed you. Moral guilt cuts deeply because it challenges who we believe ourselves to be.
Cultural or religious guilt: This is the guilt imposed by external expectations, often beyond our control. Perhaps you grew up in a family where certain behaviors were deemed unacceptable—like eating specific foods or following a particular lifestyle—and straying from those norms feels like a betrayal. It’s a kind of guilt that isn’t necessarily based on actual harm but rather on an internalized fear of disappointing or dishonoring values you were raised with.
Survivor’s guilt: This heavy, unique guilt often surfaces when you’ve survived a tragedy that others didn’t, leaving you to question, “Why me?” Survivor’s guilt can pull you into a spiral of self-blame, even though you had no control over the outcome.
Relational guilt: This is the kind of guilt we feel in relationships—when we don’t measure up to the roles we’ve set for ourselves as friends, parents, or partners. It’s the guilt of wondering if you did enough, if you could have been more present or attentive. It creates an endless loop of second-guessing and self-criticism.
These forms of guilt, while different in their origins, share one dangerous quality: they anchor us to a past that we cannot change. Like a ship tied to the dock, we find ourselves unable to sail forward into the present because we’re tethered to what has already happened.
Breaking free from the chains of guilt
I know firsthand that guilt, especially when it festers, becomes an emotional weight that’s nearly impossible to shake. It tells you that your mistake, your inaction, your failure is who you are, rather than something you did or didn’t do. But the truth is, guilt only has power when we allow it to. We feed it when we keep replaying the past without moving toward resolution.
So, how do you release guilt when it’s had years, or even decades, to take root?
Face it: Often, we run from guilt because it’s uncomfortable to confront. But the first step is asking yourself, “What exactly am I feeling guilty about?” Is it something I did, or is it the belief that I didn’t live up to someone else’s expectations? Getting specific about your guilt can make it less overwhelming.
Challenge the narrative: Once you’ve identified the source, take a moment to ask whether the belief behind the guilt is even realistic. In the case of my friend, I had to ask myself: Was it fair to expect that I could have been there in every single moment? Could I have predicted how alone he felt? Likely not. Guilt is often built on unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves.
Learn from it: Rather than letting guilt paralyze you, use it as a tool for growth. What has this experience taught you? Maybe I couldn’t change my inaction from the past, but I could choose to be more present for my relationships going forward. Growth doesn’t mean erasing the mistake—it means using it to make better choices in the future.
Forgive yourself: This is perhaps the hardest part. Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally when you’ve been replaying your failures for years. But if you don’t allow room for self-compassion, you’ll remain locked in the cycle of guilt. As psychologist Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
The path forward
Guilt is a powerful emotion, one that can either act as a moral compass or a prison. But it’s important to remember that guilt, like all emotions, exists in the past—it’s rooted in a moment that has already passed, and it cannot alter what has already happened. The only thing you can control is how you move forward from it.
So, rather than allowing guilt to hold you hostage, let it guide you. Acknowledge the lesson it brings, but don’t mistake it for a life sentence. You’re not defined by your mistakes, only by how you choose to grow from them.
As Dr. Guy Winch puts it, “We often misinterpret guilt, believing that if we let it go, we’re giving ourselves a free pass to repeat the same mistakes. In truth, real growth comes from examining our actions, learning from them, and then releasing the guilt to allow space for healing and better choices.”
Reach out
If you're struggling with guilt or simply need a space to talk, feel free to reach out for a free session at The Calm Mind. Let’s work through it together.
Ashish Singh, Life Coaching and Healing
Ashish Singh, the founder of The Calm Mind Life Coaching, has transformed his personal battles with anxiety and depression into a beacon of hope for others. His journey, marked by profound struggles and ultimate triumph over mental health challenges, fuels his passion to ensure that no one faces such trials alone. Through The Calm Mind Life Coaching, based in the heart of Toronto, Ashish offers a sanctuary for those seeking tranquility in the tumult of life.
Introducing 'Medit-Action', Ashish merges meditation's calm with practical steps, akin to a mental gym for building resilience against mental health issues. This innovative approach draws from Eastern and Western philosophies, guiding individuals towards lasting calmness and happiness.
