Codependency and Its Ways to Screw Your Life Up
Katja is a Grief Counselor & Author whose compassionate and innovative approach to grief, loss, and trauma offers clients hope and renewed purpose. She authored "Dealing with Grief," a practical guide explaining why death remains taboo and how to break free from grief's grip.
Codependency is a relationship dynamic in which one person gives and the other takes. A people pleaser fits this definition. You constantly pour into people, places, and situations to keep peace and balance. The person who gives at all costs has often experienced an unbalanced, if not traumatic, childhood. Neglect, violence, abuse, or an avoidant or anxious attachment style is common among people who are drawn to become codependent.[1]
Most of the time, we might not even know we are codependent. That was the case for me. I always put my family and friends first. I remember, in my twenties, telling a very good friend that I was happy when I saw my family happy. I never set out to seek new connections or friends. I dedicated myself to my family without asking for anything in return. That's how I grew up.
My parents didn't have a loving relationship, but they kept the family together in the ways they knew how. That meant putting food on the table and keeping the home environment tidy and presentable for everybody else. When they felt unseen by the outside world, they were strict and mostly raised us by giving commands or using physical abuse. There were nice moments, but unfortunately they were very rare.
So, I brought those skills into my marriage, caring for my family and raising my children. I tried to control situations and people around me, showing unconditional love but also suffocating some because of my fear of abandonment and not feeling worthy of nice things or healthy relationships.
When we grow up feeling fearful or neglected, we often try to control the outcome. This is a normal human response. We do want to raise the bar and be different from what our parents or caregivers taught us. Living in a state where your fight-or-flight system keeps your guard up at all times can lead you to respond to certain situations with anger, deep sadness, resentment, fear, or jealousy. This is how you learned to defend yourself, to protect your body and mind as a child, an adolescent, and now an adult. You've probably mastered this process so well that you don't even recognize your own patterns of behavior.
The sad truth is that, as human beings, we've mostly never learned to live peacefully and let our guard down. Can you recall a time when you could relax in your own body, let the mind wander, and stop questioning things, people, and situations? Can you master yourself by keeping your mind calm and grounded? Not thinking about the tasks piling up in the back of your mind, or things that happened earlier that might have left you upset or worried. Not trying to control an outcome at all costs. Living in the present moment and simply being.
This is what I thought. It sounds simple, but it isn't. When we hear about mindfulness and therapies designed to keep us grounded and connected, it can feel like mastering the basics will take forever.
When faced with trauma, stress, grief, anger, financial difficulties, relationship issues, or family problems, people often struggle to calm their minds and find grounding. We tend to care deeply or worry excessively, influenced by the generations, environments, and people we've interacted with and are closely connected to. It's natural to feel bonded to others and adopt their approaches to solving problems. We also tend to develop certain habits when coping, especially if we didn't learn healthy coping strategies as children.
Growing up involves learning new skills, behaviours, and ways to handle emotions. If we were nurtured and raised in a stable environment, coping usually comes easily, with confidence, love, and openness. However, if our environment was insecure, we often had to survive by managing people, situations, or places until we could escape. As adults, when we distance ourselves from these unhealthy learned behaviours and environments, we often believe those behaviours are the normal way of life. We don't question anything because we aren't even aware we were taught unhealthy ways of coping.
This is when your life can progress through learned patterns of surviving rather than thriving. You attract the same type of people you grew up with because it feels familiar. You might even know exactly where to find them. You connect easily with them because you are alike. In the end, you might start hating it because you escaped your old environment for a reason. You wanted to be different from those who left you struggling, no matter the cost.
You might have promised yourself you would never turn out the same way as your parents. You will never raise your children the way they did. You want to spare yourself and now your family the struggles you endured growing up. Only now do you recognize that, in the way you do things, you actually turned out the way they taught you to be. You start hating yourself and possibly blaming those who left you struggling.
These behaviours and realizations carry a cost, rooted in trauma or neglect, and also involve unseen losses. While we often associate loss with physical things like a person or a pet, we also grieve many other changes: the end of relationships, relocating, leaving childhood homes, starting new life stages, changing jobs, or losing partners. Breakups and financial difficulties are also losses. When children leave home, it can trigger an existential sense of loss.
We constantly grieve certain types of loss: our existence, our identity, our sense of belonging, or our connection to society, religion, or our work environment. Simply visualizing this can evoke anxiety or lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness. If we haven't learned how to handle problems or struggles during childhood, it becomes challenging to live healthily as adults.
The first step is recognizing that it's not your fault. You can cope with codependency and turn past experiences into a source of strength in your new life. Be willing to prioritize yourself and meet your own needs first. This can be more challenging than it seems, especially if you are highly empathetic and care deeply about others.
Remember, you must first think of yourself, demonstrating both self-respect and genuine self-love, before you can truly love others unconditionally in a respectful way. When you feel that you are enough and trust that you can live a life without constantly chasing others, you can freely share your love and compassion with those you care about in a healthy, honest way.
Consider the kind of gift you are extending to your loved ones. They will now receive genuine compassion from you and learn to give it to others. This allows for a state where there’s no chasing, struggling, or worry, because everyone recognizes and trusts their inherent worth as human beings and feels accepted and valued in a partnership. Regardless of the type of partnership you envision, the environment naturally becomes healthier because you attract people who think like you.
When you meet your real soul tribe, you can cope with losses and life in a different way. There will always be despair, difficulties, or struggles in our lives, but staying connected to yourself, trusting yourself, and learning to cope can ease all kinds of burdens. There is now safety, connection, and, most of all, love and compassion in your life. These are things you can always return to in a natural way.
This is a gentle new approach to mindfulness. I invite you to sit quietly with yourself and let your mind simply be. You might be pleasantly surprised by what it wishes to share. If you find yourself constantly thinking about others and feeling worried or needing to fix people or situations out of concern, it may help to explore this state more deeply.
Ask yourself where these thoughts originate. Are they truly your own, and are you content with how things are? Or have you internalized others' ideas about how relationships or connections should function? If you’re not fully satisfied, please remember there’s no need to give up. Prioritize your well-being and be gentle with yourself. You are not alone, and you deserve a healthy, happy life. Everyone has a fundamental right to love, to be loved, and to live happily and healthily.
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Read more from Katja Christine Strube
Katja Christine Strube, Grief Counselor & Author
Katja has dedicated her life to helping others overcome feelings of disconnect and not belonging. After experiencing personal trauma and loss, she found renewed purpose through volunteering with a local Hospice, offering support to clients facing difficult life challenges. Her extensive academic achievements and personal experiences allow her to understand her clients' struggles from multiple perspectives. Her compassion and empathy make her guidance impactful. Through unwavering commitment, she transforms counseling into a healing and empowering experience.
References:
[1] Codependency. (2026, August 1). Psychology Today.
[2] Cleveland Clinic. (2024, February 9). Self-love: Why it’s important and what you can do to love yourself.
[3] Mental Health America. (2026, April 6). Codependency.
