Charm & Control – 7 Tools Narcissists Use to Win Your Trust
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 7
- 4 min read
Updated: Aug 8
Written by Aleya Belamour, Relationship Recovery Coach
Aleya Belamour is a manifestation expert and energy healer. She is the founder and CEO of Reclaiming Radiance, where she offers a 6-month program to help women heal from narcissistic abuse, a free support group, and leads healing journeys around the world.
Not every manipulator starts with red flags. In fact, narcissists often begin by making you feel deeply seen, understood, and connected. But beneath the surface charm, they use calculated emotional tactics to hook you into relationships that become confusing, painful, and hard to leave.
7 tools narcissists use to build trust and control: Spot manipulation early
1. Mirroring
Narcissists study you, your values, your humor, your wounds, and reflect them back to you like a mirror. You might hear things like “I’ve never met anyone like you” or “We’re so alike.” All of a sudden, their hopes and dreams feel oddly similar to everything you shared with them. It feels like alignment and chemistry, but it’s often a tactic to fast-track emotional intimacy. A narcissist obsessed with getting you hooked will have no problem investing large amounts of money and time to make your dreams their dreams, knowing this will create deep confusion when they are ready to begin the abuse. Once you are “all in,” they often begin making fun of you for these same hopes and dreams.
Why it works: It creates the illusion of being soulmates, which makes you drop your guard quickly.
2. Fast vulnerability
They open up quickly, sharing deep, often painful stories from their past about abuse, betrayal, and abandonment, and ask you about yours, pretending that they deeply care. This creates a false sense of closeness and makes you feel special for being the one they "trust."
Why it works: You start to bond emotionally and feel responsible for their healing, even if the story isn’t true or is exaggerated. They make you feel seen and understood, something you may have wounds around, and they know that.
3. Love bombing
At the beginning, they shower you with affection, compliments, attention, and gifts. You’re overwhelmed in the best way, and it feels like you’ve finally found the one and are finally being treated the way you always wanted to be. Narcissists can be the most generous partner you have ever encountered; they are happy to buy their way into their victims' hearts, knowing it makes them stand out against their perceived competition.
Why it works: Your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, creating a chemical bond that makes it harder to detach later. You think that because they do more for you, this means the love is real.
4. Future faking
They talk about a shared future, moving in, marriage, kids, and travel, very early in the relationship. These promises keep you emotionally invested and hopeful, even when their words and actions don’t match their words.
Why it works: It creates a false sense of safety and stability, tricking your nervous system into long-term trust.
5. Trauma bonding
Narcissists alternate between kindness and cruelty, affection and withdrawal. This cycle of highs and lows creates a powerful emotional addiction, similar to the cycle of abuse.
Why it works: Your brain starts to associate relief from pain (when they’re “nice again”) with love and safety. The unpredictability keeps you hooked and seeking their approval.
6. Isolation & control disguised as care
They slowly start to criticize or sow doubt about your friends, family, or career while framing it as “concern” or love. They may even encourage you to move somewhere you’ve never been before and create fights when you have an opportunity to make new friends or explore new opportunities.
They become your primary source of emotional connection and validation, making it easier to manipulate you without interference. You begin to rely on them for everything.
Some will go as far as encouraging you to quit your job, saying they are happy to financially support you. It may seem like they truly love and support you, but it’s not the case. They like the idea that, the moment you begin to see through them, as others have in the past, you might stay because you will be homeless or unable to support yourself if you leave them. Allowing them to be in control of your stability feeds their ego and nothing more. It’s not love; it’s power over their emotional punching bag.
Why it works: It keeps you stuck even when you know you're unsafe.
7. Guilt & manipulative empathy
They use your compassion against you, bringing up their trauma or emotions whenever you question their behavior, making you feel selfish or cruel for setting boundaries.
Why it works: It keeps you over-explaining, over-giving, and silencing your own needs to avoid hurting them.
Final thoughts: Awareness is power
Not everyone who mirrors you or opens up quickly is a narcissist, but when these patterns appear together and leave you feeling drained, confused, or addicted to the relationship, it’s a sign to pause and reassess. Healthy love feels peaceful and calm, period.
Healing from narcissistic abuse starts with recognizing the manipulation wasn’t your fault, but reclaiming a beautiful life is your responsibility. That is why I created Breakup to Blissful, to give women a blueprint and support while navigating this painful and confusing time in their lives. Anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse knows it’s not your average breakup. There are layers of abuse to face and many hours of intentional healing work to do to get to the other side, but there is hope, and it can be done.
Read more from Aleya Belamour
Aleya Belamour, Relationship Recovery Coach
Aleya Belamour is a certified Relationship Recovery Coach, Energy Medicine Practitioner, and the founder of Breakup to Blissful — a transformational journey that helps women heal their hearts, release emotional baggage, and rediscover their inner radiance after a painful breakup or divorce. She offers free guided meditations and an online support group, with deeper transformation available through her signature program and soulful healing journeys around the world.
