Building Calm, Confident, and Connected Families – Exclusive Interview with Tina Feigal
- Brainz Magazine
- Nov 13
- 8 min read
Updated: Nov 14
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed. works with parents of children of all ages, specializing in, but not exclusive to, child losses and trauma (foster care, adoption, reunification). Tina sees parents' power to heal their children's hearts in a way that they often miss. She offers tried-and-true ways of connecting with children of all ages to create emotional safety, the key to better relationships and behaviors. She uses a non-judgmental approach, understanding that every parent carries "how I was raised" as their model, often with unsatisfactory results. She helps parents get what they truly want from their parenting experience, peace of mind!
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed., Parent Coach
Who is Tina Feigal? Introduce yourself, your hobbies, your favourites, you at home and in business. Tell us something interesting about yourself.
I’m a parenting coach with a great deal of experience, having helped 1,000s of parents with challenging child behaviors.
My favorite hobby is photography, with nature and people as subjects. At home, I’m married to a master wine expert (sommelier). I have three amazing sons from my previous marriage and three fantastic daughters-in-law. I also have five adorable grandchildren who light up my life. I’m also an ordained minister in A Course in Miracles.
I had my own coaching business for 12 years, then worked in a treatment foster care agency for 12 more, and am now re-establishing my business. I’ve trained 850+ parent coaches during this time, from all over the world.
Interesting fact, in 2000, I made a transition from being a school psychologist to what I thought would be life coaching. I attended the training, and when I walked out, I thought, “I’m a parent coach,” and I made it up! There weren’t any other parent coaches at the time, so I just sent a bunch of spam emails, started presenting to various audiences, and handed out a clipboard to collect their email addresses for my newsletter. It took some doing, but here I am!
What inspired you to create "How Do I Parent This Child?" And focus your life’s work on supporting parents and children?
My own childhood was fraught with my parents’ mental and physical illness. I experienced trauma in the form of taking on the role of the adult, supporting my parents and not really getting to be a child, huge loss (mom died in our home unexpectedly when I was 14), and my dad’s abandonment. I attended a school that was very strict and felt uncaring, so there was no safe haven. I have always wanted to make life better for kids as a result. I want to use my past as “fuel” for healing. The best way to do that is to give parents the tools to connect with their children, creating emotional safety. Then the negative behaviors are no longer necessary.
Many parents feel overwhelmed. How does your coaching approach help them find calm and confidence again?
I teach parents the effects of communication on the child’s heart and brain. It takes the blame out of the situation when they realize the child is simply responding to messages from their body, not being willfully disobedient. When parents learn how to truly connect and build the trust that children need, they see improvements they never imagined. The overwhelm is replaced with deep connection and satisfaction when parents know what to do.
What are some common parenting challenges you see, and how do you help families overcome them?
Common challenges include defiance, opposition, disrespect, withdrawal, depression, and anxiety. The effects of childhood trauma are often, but not always, the root of these behaviors. Eating disorders and other psychological concerns are also some of the challenges with which I can help.
I help parents see that the child’s brain is simply trying to help him or her survive. The amygdala, near the brain stem (the survival part of the brain), is the “threat alarm.” It says to the child, “If your parents see you, you will survive. If they don’t, get their attention!” Most kids know how to get their parents’ attention, negative behavior. When it occurs, the amygdala says to the child, “They saw you! Do that again.” A vicious cycle ensues, with more and more negativity, as the amygdala doesn’t discriminate between positive and negative attention. Parents are inadvertently rewarding the very behavior they don’t want by giving it their focus. I teach them to give a great deal of attention to the positive behaviors instead, as the amygdala will always say, “They saw you! Do that again!” I also talk about the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that’s associated with logic, reasoning, and planning ahead. When the amygdala is firing, the PFC is turned off. Only after the amygdala is calmed, by using reflective listening, does the PFC come online. Reflective listening looks like this, “I notice you’re feeling uncomfortable with the decision to go to basketball practice. You wish you could stay home. Is that right?” This communicates that the child is seen. The amygdala calms down, and the PFC comes online. Then logic can be addressed, but only then. I encourage parents to ask questions to help the PFC develop. “How?” is my favorite word. “How do you think we can make this happen?” It’s so respectful, and it invites mental processing, rather than just being told what to do and being punished for not doing it.
The heart has brain cells. When we download a message into the heart, it will say to the brain. “I’m a bad kid,” if most of the feedback has been corrective and fault-finding. If most of it has been positive and appreciative, the heart-to-brain message is, “I’m a good kid. Others see my positive side.” Repeated encouragement in this form strengthens the heart-to-brain neural pathways for the child’s goodness. Parents have enormous power to help form their child’s sense of self.
You’ve worked with countless parents over the years. Can you share one success story that truly touched you?
I have permission to tell this story.
I worked with a mom who was anticipating adopting a 5-year-old boy whose birth mom was on drugs when he was born. Including the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, this was to be the 9th placement in his short life. Needless to say, his behavior reflected the trauma of being moved from home to home because of his behavior. He was out of control much of the time, swearing, screaming, hurting the pets, acting out, and having trouble at school and with neighbor kids.
Five years down the road, he is in an entirely different place. His mom has done a marvelous job of helping him feel emotionally safe. Here’s a quote from her.
“Tina took a runaway train headed straight at our adoptive family, stopped it, and turned it around toward connection and calm.”
She gives me credit, but it’s she who was on the front lines with him, nurturing, listening, reflecting his feelings, avoiding “logic” and staying focused on helping him feel seen, heard, and felt. His recent IEP meeting was filled with reports of success after two particularly difficult years. It’s truly a miracle.
What makes your coaching style and programs different from traditional parenting advice or therapy?
Therapy is needed for some issues, but in my experience, when the parents, upon whom the child is dependent for their very survival, know how to connect and help the child feel emotionally safe, there’s nothing more healing. Kids aren’t dependent on therapists for their survival and often just say what the therapist wants to hear to get out of the session. Again, I’m not putting therapy down, as it can be life-changing for some. But I’ve talked to so many parents who say, “My child has been in therapy for X number of years and we’re not seeing any change.” So, teaching the parents their incredible healing power is the magic. There’s nothing like it. The difference between my approach and others is that I encourage including the child in the decision-making process for family functioning. They help make the rules and write them down, so they “own” the experience. It’s the opposite of authoritarianism, which is what so many parents used when they were kids. “Do as I say, or there will be consequences!” But it doesn’t work to bring peace to the home. It’s based on fear of punishment instead of love. And parents really want to love their kids, they just don’t know how. I say to them, “We know more now” about what works best to bring out positivity in kids. They are so relieved, but it also takes some time for them to prove it to themselves, as it’s so different from what they knew. My favorite line at the end of the first coaching session is, “I have hope now.”
For parents struggling with guilt or self-doubt, what’s the first mindset shift you encourage them to make?
I help parents see their own innocence. They were just doing what they knew how to do, likely from what their parents did. They’re not guilty of a thing. They just need new information, which I can provide. I use the physiological approach to show it’s the child’s brain trying to protect them and then give them tools for creating emotional safety, assuring the brain of survival. Parents are freed from guilt and often report that those close to them even notice the improvements in the child. I encourage parents to take full credit for this and all the improvements they see at home, as well. I see that they don’t notice some of the improvements, so I point them out so they can see their success!
How can parents start implementing positive change today using your resources or guidance?
During the first appointment, which is 90 minutes long, I take notes on everything that each parent is experiencing with their child. I allow a lot of time, so the parents feel seen and heard by me (this is called the ‘parallel process.’ I give the attention and feeling of being seen that I encourage them to give to the kids.) At the end of their summaries, I give them what to do today. It’s usually heartfelt appreciation in the form of “When you, I feel, because,” for all the good things they see in their child. Often, they need help with identifying the good things, as adults are so focused on the negative as their own protection mechanism (adults have amygdalas, too!) So, for the next appointments, I ask for three successes at the beginning of the session. I take notes on them, and as the parents talk, I notice the successes they have missed and give them kudos for them. Then I say, “After this appointment, spend a few minutes patting yourself on the back for all these successes.”
What’s next for you, and "How Do I Parent This Child?" Any new programs, books, or projects we should look out for?
During a recent networking meeting, I gave the story of how I got here, and a nice guy/business owner in the audience said, “We need to talk. I’m a coach and an official for youth sports, and I’ve had the dream for years to write a book for coaches, officials, and parents on ways to treat each other and the kids that bring out the best in them. So, we’re doing just that. The book is in progress!
I’ve also started creating a parenting app with present-moment concepts, and it’s going well. I also hope to train more foster care professionals, as it’s been a hit for the ones I’ve trained, and I’m getting invited back to follow up on new topics.
Read more from Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
