Veronica is a Holistic Trauma Specialist. She is a qualified BodyTalk Practitioner, qualified TRE Provider and utilises quantum field talk therapy to help her clients address and understand trauma, and how it manifests in their body (physically, mentally and emotionally).
Control. Defined by Oxford languages. “The power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events”. We will address control in relation to trauma and emotions. Why do people control? What lies underneath their desire to control? What happens in the bodies of someone who is controlled? Why is the control loop so hard to identify and escape?
There is another perspective that control is necessary. Society needs a set of rules/laws/customs that must be adhered to, to keep one another safe. This is required from a macro level such as laws that prohibit drinking and driving in order to keep other members of society safe on the road. On a smaller micro level, such as a family unit level, parents have to create rules that direct kids’ behavior to keep them out of harm’s way. Such as not playing with plugs and electricity.
While the above is necessary and, for the most part, true, it can also be used as a (conscious or unconscious) tool to control others under the guise of safety or even love. Here we will delve into how adults control the behavior of other adults, such as their partners, colleagues, employees, adult children or parents and so forth. The focus is on adults as independent individuals who have their own rights and responsibilities but are being controlled in various ways, shapes, or forms.
What does control look like?
Let’s start with a quick summary of what a control looks like.
Criticizing or insulting you in front of others
Invade your privacy
Prevent you from making your own decisions or trying to persuade you to make a decision they want
Controlling finances in the household without prior discussion and agreement
Withholding money for necessary expenses
Isolating you from family or friends or seeking professional help
Being overprotective
Managing your view on someone else
Although some of the above may seem obvious, there are ways they are manipulated so that the control is justified or covered up by a tactic of “concern and love”. In addition, shrewd ways of controlling may make you feel overwhelmed, pressured, and confused.
Unconscious and conscious control
Let’s start with controlling someone consciously. A good example is an extremely jealous partner. In depth, it is about interrogation, accusations (usually as a result of projection, meaning you are accused of something that person is doing), withholding finances, talking or affection as a means to receive what they want, and disrespecting what you have asked. This is a summary of someone who is trying to control someone consciously, it is usually easier to identify and so once the individual has removed themselves from the situation it is discussed more openly, and there is less confusion about whether they were controlled and the type of individual who controlled them.
Unconscious control is a bit more difficult to identify, initially. Firstly, from the perspective of the individual who is being controlled. It is not always, most certainly not in the beginning, obvious to the individual that they are being controlled. In most cases, flooded with love and adoration in romantic settings, to flooded with praise and career promises in work settings.
Let’s use the example of a romantic relationship, constantly wanting to know who is there, where you are going, incessant check ups because you are “cared for”, this may seem like love in the beginning but over time the unconscious usually becomes conscious and it is seen for what it is, control.
Secondly and the most difficult of all, the unconscious control of the controller.
This is a situation where the one controlling is mostly unaware that he/she is controlling. It is a deep need of that individual to know what is going on in someone’s life, to purposefully intervene as he/she knows best, to constantly speak on behalf of someone else and totally disregard what they have requested. It is a situation whereby an individual is subtly controlled and this is held together by a sense of entitlement with no sense of boundary. The “logical” reasoning is one of care, love and safety. In reality, it is the disempowerment of someone, as a result of one’s tendency to control another. The problem here is that the controller is unaware (for the most part) that he/she is controlling, the behavior is justified (underlying this justification is the attitude of entitlement “I have the right”) or totally unconscious.
Let’s talk mother wound. A very hot topic right now, and with good reason. On one end of the spectrum you have a mother that was unavailable, physically, mentally and/or emotionally. This has left deep scars of abandonment, which may result in behavior categorized by a need to always have someone and fear of being alone; to extreme independence with no help accepted. On the other end of the spectrum, we have a domineering mother, overstepping, disrespecting a child as an independent responsible and capable adult, always “helping” (disempowering their child). This is tough to recognize fully as it is often wrapped up and labeled as love or care. In reality, this leads to inner child wounding and an insecure individual who was never let go of, the result? An adult who is still under their mother’s control, physically,
emotionally and mentally. The relationship never fully develops to two adults who honor and respect one another as independent individuals.
What is really going on with the controller?
In a nutshell. The controller is projecting their unmet needs.
The easiest way to tell what someone is about is to look at what they project onto you.
A very controlling person has deep rooted fear. Fear of letting go as a child enters adulthood, fear of not being good enough leading to jealousy in a relationship, fear that their child does not need them anymore, fear of what the people will say in controlling reputations, fear of poverty in overworking and controlling staff and so forth.
What lies under the fear? Fear is usually a surface emotion, underlying fear is a whole iceberg of emotions. What experiences and environmental factors contributed to an individual that created a fear or lack, the control is an outward behavior to soothe that fear (fear of rejection fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough and so forth). It is in fact, the person’s attempt to self soothe, much like addiction.
We need to understand the complexity of what causes one to control and thus the complexity of how the body has absorbed this. And it is not one size fits all.
Recognizing that control is underpinned by fear and (and a host of emotions under that) we can give a very general summary on how this type of behavior has affected the body physically. Below are some physical manifestations that one may encounter when there is a fear of loosing control (outwardly expressed as control).
Bladder issues
Insomnia
Skin problems
Tics/twitches
Fainting
Heartburn
Hyperventilation
Eye problems
Again this is not a one size fits all as each body is different but there is a general theme when we look at physical symptoms that may arise as a result of emotional suppression.
What is happening in the body of the controlled?
When someone has experienced control overtime, the body reacts by shutting down to avoid further damage. This is where dissociation enters. Dissociation is a mental process that causes a disconnect from oneself in the way of disconnecting from one’s self identity, thoughts, emotions and making space for memory gaps, feeling disconnected from society, family or self. This is the body’s unconscious reaction and is a normal process relating to trauma experiences (mild to severe) that actually helps a person tolerate a situation, that would otherwise be too much to process.
Your body is designed to keep you safe.
Again we see physical symptoms as a result of the emotional charge that is produced by the body when in a controlled environment. Feelings such as helplessness, vulnerability, fear, desire to please, suppressed anger, resentment, worry, anxiety and so forth can lead to physical manifestation.
A few general symptoms (emotional causes) of what can be experienced by an individual that has been in a controlling situation is as follows:
Abdominal cramps
Liver problems
Body odor
Fibroids
Heartburn
Laryngitis
Bladder problem’s
Excessive/loss of appetite
Amnesia
Throat issues
Cognitive dissonance
Recognizing that you are in a controlled environment/family/relationship/situation or that you are in fact the controller; can be very emotional and cause a large self identity “crisis”. Many are very confused as to what really happened in the situation or with the person, and therefore a certain cognitive dissonance can set it. Cognitive dissonance is defined as “Having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs or attitudes, especially as relating to the behavioral decisions and attitude change” Oxford Dictionary. This can be a bit of a challenge when it comes to critical thinking, as one seeks out information that confirms their beliefs and immediately discards anything that challenges or does not fall in line with that. In effect, the belief is formed (from experience, childhood teachings, environmental factors, past relationships etc.), and then the “evidence” is sought. Critical Thinking is imperative when it comes to identifying and exiting controlling environments and people. Reason being is that one has to look through the manipulation, co-dependency (usually as a result of trauma) and “care” which is very hard for an individual that is deeply embedded in that situation and has been purposefully weakened. Control is defined largely by never question and never seek help from the “outside”. Again this is a control of emotions, information and experience.
When unravelling this, a certain sense of association kicks in and that can be hard to understand or work through. Looking for the right support and information can be very helpful in having to navigate the process.
Read more from Veronica di Muro Merchak
Veronica di Muro Merchak, Holistic Trauma Specialist
Veronica has a unique approach to trauma as Holistic Trauma Specialist. She combines her personal experience, her academic qualifications, her professional experience, and her in depth intuitive understanding of people to help them navigate their individual situations. An important focus of hers, is to empower her clients so they understand how trauma was received by their individual body and above all; how it is possible to move forward, in an unapologetic and gracefully powerful way.
