Boundaries Don’t Work If You’re Still Afraid of Being Disliked
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Danielle Young is an international speaker, bestselling author, and Master Certified Life Coach. As the founder of Inspired Action Wellness, she helps women move beyond survival by rebuilding confidence, restoring nervous system balance, and reclaiming control of their lives.
Setting boundaries isn’t about finding the right words, it’s about feeling safe enough to hold them. Many women know exactly what they want to say, yet freeze, soften, or overexplain when the moment arrives. This article explores why boundaries collapse when fear of being disliked is still in charge, and introduces a practical, nervous-system-aware process for setting limits without self-abandonment.
Part 1 of 3: Stop self-abandoning (the confidence sequence most women never learn)
Most women do not struggle with boundaries because they do not know what to say. They struggle because they are still trying to be liked while they say it. Those two things do not go together.
A boundary is not a boundary if you still need permission.
If you have ever rehearsed what you were going to say, only to panic when the moment arrived, you already know how this goes. You start strong, then you soften. You add an explanation. You apologize for having a need. You try to make the other person comfortable, even as you attempt to advocate for yourself. The conversation ends, and frustration hits you immediately: “Why didn’t I just say what I meant?”
That moment does not mean you are weak. It means your nervous system did not register the situation as communication. It registered it as risk.
For many women, boundaries do not simply feel uncomfortable. Boundaries feel unsafe. The mind may understand the logic of setting limits, yet the body braces for fallout such as conflict, judgment, rejection, criticism, emotional withdrawal, or punishment.
That is why boundaries collapse.
The collapse rarely happens because you do not know what to say. The collapse usually happens because you do not feel safe enough to hold what you say.
This article is not about scripts or clever lines to memorize. The purpose is to expose the real reason boundaries do not stick and to offer a process that makes boundaries sustainable. Struggling with boundaries does not mean something is wrong with you.
Struggling with boundaries often means you were conditioned to prioritize approval, and conditioning can be changed.
Why boundaries collapse (even when the words are “right”)
Many women assume boundaries fail because confidence is missing. The belief sounds reasonable. Become more assertive, become more disciplined, and boundaries should finally come naturally. Confidence is not the root issue.
Boundaries come with emotional consequences. For women who fear being disliked, the reaction matters more than the boundary itself. Most people miss this distinction. Boundaries do not usually fall apart when they are set. Boundaries fall apart when the response shows up. The moment tension rises, disappointment appears, or judgment feels possible, self-protection takes over.
Emotional management replaces self-respect. That pattern is not a communication issue. That pattern is a safety issue. Safety can be rebuilt. Capacity can be trained. Holding your line without spiraling can be learned.
The 6-step boundary process that makes boundaries work
Sustainable boundaries require more than phrases. A reliable process matters most when emotions rise. The following six steps are designed for women who are done overexplaining, overgiving, and abandoning themselves to keep the peace.
Step 1: Spot self-betrayal before resentment takes over
Most women wait until they are furious to set a boundary. At that point, the boundary comes out sharp because resentment has been building for weeks, months, or years. Boundaries are easier to hold when they are set early, before resentment becomes the fuel.
Early self-betrayal rarely looks dramatic. It looks like agreeing while your stomach tightens. It looks like saying yes while already regretting it. It looks like laughing something off, even though it did not feel okay. It looks like calling something “fine” when it is not fine.
Better boundaries begin with earlier honesty. Ask yourself this question, “Where am I saying yes to avoid discomfort?” Resentment is not a personality flaw. Resentment is often a signal that you abandoned yourself.
Step 2: Name the fear underneath boundary anxiety
Most women do not fear boundaries. Most women fear what boundaries might cost them. That fear often includes rejection, disapproval, misunderstanding, abandonment, or punishment. It may also include being labeled difficult, selfish, cold, dramatic, or too much.
That is why boundaries feel like such a big deal. A boundary is not just a sentence. A boundary feels like risk. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I set boundaries?” ask, “What do I believe will happen if I do?” That answer reveals the real pattern and shifts the work from self-judgment to clarity.
Step 3: Regulate before you speak
Boundary advice often skips the most important part, staying grounded while you say what you mean. Clear communication becomes difficult when the nervous system is activated. Anxiety can make you reactive, harsh, apologetic, or unclear. Fear ends up driving the interaction.
Regulation must come first. Regulation does not need to be complicated. Regulation needs to be repeatable. Try this:
Put both feet on the ground
Exhale slowly and fully
Drop your shoulders
Unclench your jaw
Remind yourself that discomfort is not danger
The goal is not perfect calm. The goal is staying connected to yourself long enough to speak clearly.
Step 4: Set the boundary in one sentence
Fear of being disliked often turns boundaries into speeches. You try to sound reasonable enough to prevent conflict. You try to keep the other person comfortable. You try to eliminate their feelings. Long explanations turn boundaries into negotiations. Overexplaining is fear disguised as politeness.
A clean boundary is one sentence. Shortness comes from certainty. Examples:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I’m not available for that.”
“I’m not discussing this anymore.”
“If you continue speaking to me that way, I’m ending this conversation.”
“No, I won’t be doing that.”
Perfect words are not required. Clear words are required.
Step 5: Hold the line without managing their emotions
This step changes everything. Many women can say the boundary. Many women cannot tolerate the emotional aftermath of the boundary. Disappointment, anger, sarcasm, guilt trips, or emotional withdrawal can trigger repair mode. You try to fix tension. You start bargaining. You soften.
Common examples include:
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I can do it just this once.”
“Forget it.”
Boundaries collapse here, not because you were wrong, but because fear took over. Someone being unhappy does not mean you did something wrong. Someone disliking your boundary does not mean the boundary is unfair.
Pushback often happens when a boundary disrupts someone’s access. Holding the boundary means tolerating emotional discomfort without abandoning yourself to eliminate it.
Step 6: Follow through with action
A boundary without follow-through becomes a request. People test boundaries when folding has been the pattern. Testing does not always come from malice. Testing often comes from habit.
Follow-through makes the boundary real. Follow-through is not punishment. Follow-through is self-respect in motion.
Examples:
End the call if yelling starts
Leave the room if insults begin
Reduce access when a line keeps getting crossed
Remove availability when your time keeps getting disrespected
Actions teach people what words mean.
What boundaries are really about
Boundaries are not primarily about communication. Boundaries are about self-relationship. A boundary is a refusal to abandon yourself to keep someone else comfortable.
That is why boundaries feel so difficult for women conditioned to prioritize connection over truth. Many women learned that being liked equals safety. Expressing discomfort risks rejection, criticism, or conflict. Over time, the nervous system learns to treat honesty like a threat. Softening, performing, and staying palatable become habits. Self-abandonment starts to look like being easy to be around.
This is why boundary work can feel so charged. You are not simply changing a behavior. You are challenging an identity built around approval and peacekeeping. You are saying, “I am allowed to be honest,” even when your body still believes honesty will cost you love.
That fear is not irrational. Environments where disappointment, anger, or criticism came with consequences train the nervous system to scan for danger. People-pleasing becomes a strategy. Over-functioning becomes a habit. Emotional management becomes a survival skill.
Those strategies once protected you. Now they are costing you time, energy, peace, authenticity, self-respect, self-trust, and your voice. Boundaries work when you stop trying to be liked. That shift does not require harshness. That shift requires honesty. A peaceful life cannot be built through self-betrayal.
When you set a boundary, the question is not, “Will they approve?” The question is, “Can I stay with myself even if they don’t?” That is what boundaries are really about.
What’s next (and why part 2 matters)
Shaky boundaries do not mean failure. Shaky boundaries often mean rebuilding is happening. Most women do not need more boundary phrases. Most women need a stronger internal foundation. Many women can set a boundary. Many women struggle to hold it under pressure. The struggle does not come from weakness. The struggle comes from lacking self-trust when guilt appears, anxiety spikes, or fear demands repair.
That is why boundaries are not just a boundary skill. Boundaries are a self-trust skill. Part 2 of this series will explore that foundation next month: Self-Trust Isn’t a Feeling. It’s a Skill and 5 Steps to Rebuild It. Self-trust changes the entire experience of boundaries. Boundaries stop feeling like conflict and start feeling like peace.
Want help identifying your pattern?
If you are ready to stop second-guessing yourself, stop folding under pressure, and stop leaking power in relationships, my Confidence Audit is the best starting point.
The Confidence Audit helps you identify where your boundaries collapse, what fear drives the pattern, and what needs to shift first so you can hold the line without spiraling. This is not about becoming tougher. This is about becoming more honest with yourself and finally acting like you matter.
Read more from Danielle Young
Danielle Young, International Speaker, Bestselling Author, Coach
Danielle Young is an international speaker, bestselling author, and Master Certified Life Coach dedicated to helping women heal, grow, and reclaim their power. After overcoming her own experiences with trauma, she developed The Inspired Action Method™ to guide others from survival to self-trust. She is the founder of Inspired Action Wellness, where she blends neuroscience, psychology, self-inquiry, and body-based modalities like yoga, breathwork, and somatic healing to help women rebuild confidence and create lasting transformation.
