Boundaries, A Rejection Or A Key To Love?
Micheal K. is well-known when it comes to working with kids and fostering healthy relationships. She is the founder of Sweet Soul Parenting, where she serves as a Parent Coach and an Emotional Intelligence Coach.
How many of us have been hit with a “boundary” and it left us feeling more disconnected rather than connected? Chances are this experience wasn’t a boundary, but rather a person putting up a wall.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries in their purest form are an invitation to love and better connection, and to successfully set boundaries, we must first know our values.
Values
A value is a priority you practice daily, and that differs from person to person. Some of my values are faith/faithfulness, truth, kindness, safety, joy, and connection. From these core values, I build my life/boundaries.
Why do we need boundaries?
We need to have boundaries to protect our physical and emotional selves. It’s important to know what makes you feel seen, heard, and known, and also know that what makes you feel seen, heard, and known might not be the same for those around you. This is why it’s important to understand and communicate your value system with those you do life with.
Another way to look at a boundary is
“I need XYZ to feel safe and loved; will you partner with me on this?”.
Now, even when done well, people can still feel rejected when we state our boundaries, but it’s important to know that boundaries are here to protect and help us better connect. Protection and connection are key components to feeling loved.
My boundary journey
I’ve been told I run a tight ship (meaning I don’t let just anyone come or stay on board), and I must say I agree with this statement!
We can avoid a lot of hurt by simply recognizing and standing up for our needs while also recognizing the capacities and capabilities of the people around us. I won’t allow someone to board or keep someone on board if I see that they aren’t respecting my boundaries. I don’t look for perfection, but I do look for consistency.
Not everybody is meant to be in every season of your life. This can be an upsetting truth, but it’s important to know as we move forward in setting boundaries.
Boundaries with kids
Kids, of course, should be a special exception. Kids are learning how to love and be respectful, so we should hone in on what is developmentally appropriate per age.
I’ve been a foster mom to 20+ kids from ages 5-16, and before that, I was a nanny from ages 0-12, so you can imagine the ranges of boundaries I had per age.
Boundaries can evolve
Some boundaries change with time, and some boundaries may be set for a lifetime. It’s important to remember that it’s okay to change your boundaries because you realized your boundary wasn’t helpful or it’s no longer necessary. Remember that boundaries are here to protect and help us better connect, and what we need to feel protected and connected may change over time.
One example of a changing boundary for me would be my kids going to the park without supervision. I feel my safety boundary would be compromised if I let my 5-year-old go to the park without me or another trusted adult. However, once my kids hit a certain age and have shown me they know how to make wise choices without my supervision, this boundary changes accordingly.
Safety is a lifetime boundary of mine, but this boundary comes in many different forms, as you can see from the example above.
Now, let’s give a kid and an adult boundary example
I don’t expect my 3-year-old to know how to communicate well when they are upset. I still have boundaries, but I don’t toss them overboard because they consistently cross my kindness boundaries by yelling at me, but as an adult, it’s my job to lead by consistent example.
If a 3-year-old yells at me for not getting their way, that’s my opportunity to work towards connection. Typically, one who wants to be heard yells or one who is angry yells, so with that information, I’m getting curious and working to understand and meet my kid’s needs.
Now if an adult yells at me for not getting their way, I can take the same steps as I would for my child, but if this were to be a consistent thing, personally, that’s not someone I would want to partner with or be around.
No
Always remember that “no.” is a complete sentence, and walking away from someone who is crossing your boundary is a complete action. It’s also okay to communicate that you are not at a place to continue a conversation and you can come back to it later.
Boundary scoffers
I’ve had people mock me for my boundaries, and while this might feel hurtful at times, it’s important to note that it’s easier to avoid a path marked with caution tape. Caution tape can be removed, but until then you know to proceed with caution or simply avoid the path.
A lot of times people who don’t have boundaries or don't have a good understanding of them tend to look at us as too strict or too sensitive, and that’s okay. You don’t have to fit other people’s molds. Your boundaries are for your self-love and protection.
Walls vs. boundaries
Many people have confused walls with boundaries, but walls are meant to keep people out, while boundaries in their purest form are an invitation to love someone better. Honoring people’s boundaries is also trust-building, which naturally moves to deeper connections. The more trust you build with someone, the more connected you become to them.
In conclusion
Your authentic self is powerful and beautiful. Your needs matter, and you deserve to feel safe, loved, and respected.
So for now, I’ll leave you with this one question. Who do you want on your ship?
Start your boundaries journey today!
If you'd like more information or would like to book a session on boundaries, please email here.
Micheal K., Parent and Emotional Intelligence Coach
Micheal K. has a passion for healthy relationships and healthy homes. Her early years were with an angry, abusive father, and that lit a flame in her to become a safe place for others. Micheal has worked with children for 20+ years, from nannying, teaching, and being a foster mom to 20+ kids. She is the founder of Sweet Soul Parenting, where she now serves as a Parent Coach and an Emotional Intelligence Coach. Micheal’s passion is to instill hope and wisdom in everyone she meets. She believes that as long as one is still breathing, there is hope for positive change.
