Beyond Labels – Confronting Societal Boundaries In Non-Monogamous Relationships
Updated: Feb 18, 2024
Written by: Dr. Rachael Meir, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a contributor to Brainz Magazine, I typically focus on strategies for coaching and educating clients in ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationships. My role as a psychologist and relationship coach emphasizes openness, honest communication, and dismantling traditional expectations to foster healthy ENM dynamics. Yet, even accomplished leaders like myself must consistently examine our deep-seated beliefs, especially when confronting hurdles imposed by a broader society.
For many, simply mentioning a "husband" or "wife" carries an almost automatic presumption of monogamy. While labels like these can be powerful descriptors, they also hold the potential to trigger discomfort and misinterpretation. Recently, a significant shift in my own life highlighted the complex interplay between self-identity and the structural obstacles facing non-traditional relationships.
I'm in a loving, committed closed polyamorous triad with two incredible people, Aaron and Kasey. Aaron and I have been legally married for years, and calling him my "husband" after our wedding in 2006 immediately felt natural. Although I’ve been dating Kasey for almost 5 years, and we celebrated our triad commitment ceremony last November, I struggle with calling her my "wife".
While my difficulty partly stems from internalized societal rules related to gender and relationship hierarchies, the deeper obstacle is systemic. Our world legally recognizes only one type of formal marital union. Feeling deeply connected to two partners, how can I reconcile that inner reality with this external restriction? Furthermore, even with my background in bisexuality advocacy, there's an unexpected resurgence of internalized homophobia when using a term like "wife" within a same-gender context.
The challenge of existing outside the norm
These realizations are about more than language. They highlight the ongoing challenge of existing outside the traditional relationship blueprint. Conversations about our dynamic necessitate explanation, which – although a valuable opportunity for education – at times, can feel burdensome. Navigating a lack of structural support adds an extra layer of complexity for those already seeking acceptance and validation.
I'm sharing this with a sense of vulnerability. As a coach, I recognize that sometimes the greatest growth occurs where internal comfort zones meet societal limits. This ongoing confrontation forces me to unpack ingrained preconceptions about identity, love, and legal systems that fail to reflect the diversity of modern relationships. The experience fuels my drive to create empowering spaces for others who struggle against these systemic restrictions.
Lessons for a changing world
Here's what my insights offer those in ENM and traditional relationships alike:
Evolution is Ongoing: Embrace self-understanding as a process, where new realizations, even for professionals, constantly deepen our awareness.
Systems Hold Power: Legal or societal restrictions impact us not just logistically, but on deeply emotional levels. Acknowledge this while working toward change.
Authenticity + Advocacy: Sharing vulnerabilities empowers clients and sparks important conversations, helping challenge harmful norms.
Navigating these hurdles fosters resilience in ways many leaders would benefit from. For the moment, I'm focusing on self-understanding and seeking additional resources to broaden my perspective. Alex Alberto’s (@thatalexalberto on IG) new book Entwined is an excellent series of genre-blending essays, that tells the story of their decade-long polyamorous journey toward a new kind of family.
If you're grappling with similar dilemmas, consider reflecting on these questions: How do societal assumptions around relationships impact your choices?
When have legal systems failed to support your identity or the ways you build family? How can you be an advocate both for your own needs and for broader structural change?
Change might be slow, but each of us who shares our personal truths – whether with trusted confidants or on broader platforms – contributes to dismantling the harmful "shoulds" that limit freedom of expression and choice.
Ultimately, embracing our capacity for continuous growth and evolution means recognizing that even for 'experts,' internal landscapes remain uncharted territories. By challenging our own preconceptions, not only do we create more accepting spaces within our relationships, but we ripple those shifts outward, building a world where every leader dares to embrace the full expression of who they are.
Ready to defy relationship conformity? My Defy Relationship Conformity coaching program can guide you toward creating authentic connections built on freedom and fulfillment. Visit my website to download a free ENM resource guide or book a call to discover how we can build a path together!
Dr. Rachael Meir, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Rachael Meir is a Stanford-trained psychologist and Contemporary Relationship Clini-Coach® who specializes in ethical/consensual non-monogamy (including swinging, open relationships, polyamory, and other alternative lifestyles) and is sex-positive, LGBTQIA+ affirming, and BDSM/kink aware. As a bisexual woman in a polyamorous triad relationship herself, Dr. Meir is dedicated to helping individuals navigate the challenges of opening their relationships and sustaining multiple sexual and romantic partnerships. With extensive experience working with a wide range of clients, she has a deep understanding of the unique challenges faced by those living outside the bounds of heteronormative sexual orientations and monogamous relationship structures. She offers individual and group coaching to help clients learn the necessary skills to create secure and healthy relationships that work best for them.
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