Anger Management - How To Control Your Temper
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 11, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Aug 10, 2022
Written by: Danny Greeves, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Anger is a perfectly normal human emotion, it’s hardwired into our genetic code and has proven to be an incredibly useful emotion for humans over the last 10,000 years. Ranging from fighting off predators, securing precious resources, and even shaping social norms, anger has been with us for a long time and it shows no sign of disappearing any time soon. But when anger gets out of control it can be a very destructive force. Uncontrolled anger, sometimes known as rage, creates havoc in personal relationships and can break the bonds between people, families and friends.
Anger is classified as a secondary emotion, which means it’s often set off by more primary emotions such as frustration, embarrassment and shame. When hostility and aggression become the normal, habitual response to everyday frustrations and challenges in life, it can become a significant problem.
One of the primary challenges with anger issues is the delay in people getting help. Even though many people are aware they “have a temper” or describe themselves as “hot-headed”, they often think they should be able to control and manage their anger by themselves. This reluctance and delay in getting help can mean the breakdown of their relationships before they have a chance to get the help they need.
Videbeck (2014) showed how there are five specific phases to anger:
Phase 1: Trigger - the individual sees, hears or feels something in their environment which challenges them. They respond with anger, and this initiates the aggression cycle. This ‘trigger’ may be conscious, or it could occur at a below conscious level.
Phase 2: Escalation - the individual becomes visibly irritable and hostile. This could be looking tense, flushed or muttering under their breath. Agitation surges and leads to increased aggression - often expressed verbally and/or physically.
Phase 3: Crisis - the individual’s behaviour intensifies and they pose a risk of safety to self and others. Verbal aggression takes the form of insults, threats, arguments or confrontation. Physical aggression can occur through violence towards inanimate objects or people in their immediate environment. At this stage, anger levels may limit or overwhelm their ability to think or speak rationally.
Phase 4: Recovery - the individual begins to regain control of their emotions and behaviour. The recovery process might include periods of crying, sleeping, withdrawal or expressions of remorse. This may create further feelings of guilt and shame as a result of losing control of their emotions and hurting loved ones.
Phase 5: Post-crisis - the individual has fully regained control of their emotions and they have returned to their normal level of functioning.
What is anger management?
Anger management is a psycho-therapeutic programme for anger prevention and control. It consists of proactive steps to improve an individual's ability to manage stressors and enhance communication skills. It has been described as ‘deploying anger successfully’.
When anger management doesn’t work
Many anger management programmes offer tools and techniques to try and prevent the escalation phase. For example, if you have been triggered by someone in your environment, upon recognising this you then use a breathing technique, a mindfulness approach or an evasion strategy such as leaving the room. The problem with relying on these types of techniques is that they do not do anything to resolve the root cause of the problem, and they are often implemented too late to make any difference.
The common approach of trying to de-escalate is a flawed model as the individual has already been triggered. It means everyday challenges continue to be a huge source of stress and they are forever firefighting trying to keep calm. Even the best of us have off-days and down-days; when this happens we’re less resourceful and our concentration can slip. Anger then rears its ugly head and causes damage to ourselves and our loved ones. This leads to the individual beating themselves up for ‘failing’, even though they have been putting in a great deal of effort and have been largely successful.
Another challenge with many anger management programmes is the group setting. Although there are many advantages and benefits to a group anger management class, it often only leads to surface level improvements. Human emotions are complex, and modern-day lives are even more so - a standard one-size-fits-all group class is, therefore, unlikely to provide the personalisation needed to make deep, long-lasting change. A one-size-fits-all approach to resolving anger issues can leave people feeling deflated and unsuccessful.
When anger management does work
The roots of uncontrolled anger live in our past. It may be because of the family or social role models we grew up with, the events and traumas we have experienced, or the physical environment we live in. All of these affect us at a below conscious level and lead to changes in our subconscious programming.
When an anger management programme helps someone to learn how their mind works, helps them to process emotions from the past, and instals new and productive habits for the future, anger can begin to melt away and resolve. This is known as a top-down approach; making changes in the thinking patterns and emotional processing of the individual, which then changes feelings in the body.
Training the nervous system to become calmer and more relaxed is a key part of any successful anger management programme. It takes time and patience to undo the effects of the past, but implementing healthy, productive habits will rewire the brain over time and create a more relaxed and peaceful nervous system. If your body has been used to being highly revved up and stressed for a long time, it becomes the default, normal setting for your nervous system. By taking a ‘bottom-up’ approach, scientifically proven techniques such as meditation can train the brain to recalibrate and reduce that background noise, creating the space for a calmer, quieter mind.
The final piece to any successful anger management programme is communication skills. We learn about a wide range of topics and subjects during our education, but communication skills are not one of them. Learning best practices in communication and practising these skills enables greater emotional flexibility, more variety in our responses, and greater confidence to express issues and challenges when they’re small, rather than allowing them to build up until they reach boiling point.
Anger is a normal part of human behaviour, but uncontrolled anger and rage have significant negative effects on our most important personal relationships, and delaying getting help can mean relationships go beyond the point of repair.
Anger management, when delivered in a way that changes thinking patterns, arousal levels and communication skills can successfully resolve anger issues and improve our most important relationships for long-term inner peace.
Danny Greeves, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Danny is a multi-award winning professional therapist, coach, hypnotist, author, and speaker. His mission is to change the landscape of trauma therapy and help people reduce and resolve painful or traumatic memories. Danny was featured in USA TODAY as being in the top 9 coaches globally to help you level up your life in 2022. He has published and authored multiple books including ‘Accelerated Trauma Resolution’, the step-by-step guide to overcome trauma; as well as the 5-star reviewed ‘Six Steps to Self Confidence'. Danny works with private clients on a 1-2-1 basis in addition to corporate clients including the likes of Google. He has appeared on a range of podcasts and radio shows sharing wisdom to help in the search for inner peace and confidence.
