An Interview with Emotional Wellness Coach — Tamara Mendelson
- Jun 29, 2021
- 8 min read
Tamara Mendelson is an Internationally recognized writer, a sought-after wellness coach, and an educator with many years of experience teaching Business English – online and in the classroom. Tamara teaches and coaches using humor, compassion, and empathy, which is her students' and clients' favorite superpower. When asked about why she started coaching, Tamara laughs, “I have been coaching all my life, being a good friend, an involved parent, and an empathetic teacher. I just didn’t call it coaching until 10 years ago.” Tamara received a Master’s Degree from Bar Ilan University in creative writing and English literature and has a certificate in Positive Psychology from UPENN. Tamara writes a weekly blog called “This Way Forward” and runs a Facebook Page with the same name where she does exactly that – helps people move forward.
She is also a member of the CREA Awards of 2021.
Hello Tamara Mendelson! Please introduce yourself to our readers?
Sure, thank you. I grew up in Portland, Oregon, one of four children, the daughter of a pediatrician and a pediatric nurse practitioner. I graduated from the University of Oregon with a B.S. in Political Science and communications. I lived in Los Angeles and San Francisco for about ten years working in retail, politics, and marketing. I was happily divorced in 2010 and I now live in Israel with my partner of 10 years in a country house which is surrounded by a beautiful garden he has cultivated for me. We each have two fabulous millennials. We also have a 25-pound cat that we rescued as a tiny kitten. The cat is not fat; just big-boned. I spend a few months every year in the United States. I am a wellness coach.
What did you do before becoming a wellness coach?
Well, I think I’ve always been a coach. People have always felt safe with me and told me their stories and I’ve always been helpful, supportive, and non-judgmental. I’ve also overcome many serious challenges in my own life that have uniquely prepared me for helping others. But before coaching professionally, I was a poet, writer, editor, and educator. I have a master’s in Creative Writing and English Literature. I taught college for seven years.
Did you enjoy being a college professor?
Definitely. My favorite part of teaching was helping my students learn and grow and become more confident with a little support from me. Although English was the subject, the object was always modeling life skills in a diverse society. One of my proudest moments as an educator was handing out diplomas to my first students four years later upon their graduation.
You said you are a writer. Have you written anything that we might know?
Maybe. A few years ago I published a very well-received book called “Divorce Poetry.” It is a collection of poetry and some prose, organized using the five states of divorce that I’ve defined in my practice: Breakdown, Break Up, Broken, Break Through and Break Free. It is a roadmap to the process. I’ve had many clients who have used the book to helped them through their emotions during their divorces. I also published a companion workbook based on the five stages of divorce with exercises. A do-it-yourself program. My clients have found it helpful. Both “Divorce Poetry” and its workbook are on Amazon.
Wow! How did you become a wellness coach?
Well, officially I started ten years ago as the divorce guru for my community and then, through word-of-mouth, branched out. My ex and I had the same circle of friends and lived in a smallish town. Our main concern was for the children and their well-being so that carried on and was an example to others. Then I became certified by UPenn in Positive Psychology, which is useful for those who want to do the work to help people live emotionally healthier lives by identifying and using their strengths.
What is your main message to those getting divorced?
Even through the pain, everyone must remember that some relationships fail. Even though there is some stigma around divorce, it doesn’t make you a failure. That message is key to people going through a separation and divorce. It is an often painful learning experience. And with children involved it is always more complicated. I try to make sure that people do not make bad choices.
So you specialize in helping people who are getting divorced?
Yes, those getting divorced are approximately 25% of my clientele. Although I still coach people through divorce, my practice continues to evolve as each person has a different set of challenges that need to be explored. The world is a complicated and demanding place, and everyone can use a little help now and then, single, married or otherwise.
How do you coach your clients?
I meet them – where they are emotionally – and I help them get to where they want to be. We work through their pain, especially by recognizing unhealthy patterns. I help clients develop a personalized toolbox to look at their trauma in a different way and hopefully move forward to more balanced joyful lives. I don’t believe you need to wake up in pain every day and knowing that pain is not a final destination is a relief for most people. Modern life is always getting more complicated and everyone needs a little help to cope.
Is there a common thread running through your therapeutic process?
Yes. I teach resilience and that savoring life can be a choice. Having a different kind of life can be a choice. Living without shame should be a choice. Certain experiences we bury are very toxic. Revealing them to someone who is objective and non-judgmental in a safe environment brings relief and release from the grip of those things we have bottled up for too long. Letting go of fear and pain promotes post-traumatic emotional growth.
What are the typical issues you try to resolve for your clients?
First, of course, nothing is ever typical. But some clients have lost jobs, changed occupations, and started new professions with me. I have dealt with family struggles, care of aging parents with children still at home, relationship issues, questioned or clarified their sexuality. Others have called off engagements, moved across the country or the world, and had healthier divorces. Some have grieved loved ones or persevered through health crises, got well, and carried on.
Are results measurable?
Often, yes. When people feel strong and centered enough, they move on. My clients become better parents and kinder people to themselves. Individuals and companies that want to do the work to help people live more emotionally stable lives. We don’t have to live in a cycle of trauma and drama. The world is a challenging, difficult place, and everyone can use a little help now and then to be more grounded and comfortable and find their place in this world. I create a safe space for people to understand and overcome their difficulties.
Have you found that people have been more distressed since the pandemic?
I believe we are more stressed as a global society. Sheltering in place upset our social order on a global scale. Many lost their jobs and the people they loved. We all need to learn how to be with people again. Social Media as it turns out can be more isolating than connective. Being able to engage in simple discourse without anger and rage may need to be modeled behavior that can be taught. And in many places, COVID 19 isn’t over yet.
Do you also work with younger adults?
Yes. For many younger folks without much life experience, the imbalance of suddenly not having friends and school life was devastating. Feeling like this crisis would never end caused a lot of depression and anxiety. The relationships we rely on for our emotional well-being were not accessible in a physical way and it was and continues to be a global challenge. A text message does not replace a hug.
Do you only see your clients in person?
No, my clients are spread out over ten time zones, so we use Zoom. Even before the pandemic, I began tele-coaching. It is more practical emotionally for my clients, as well, because they are in their own environments and don’t need to spend hours commuting and in waiting rooms to find constructive help. I’ve virtually accompanied people on walks, bike rides and mediated a fight in a car. I was even the support person on a flight across the US.
Amazing. Can you tell me a breakthrough story?
Sure. I had a client who was molested as a child by a teacher. This horrifying experience led to lifelong PTSD, which brought a lot of anxiety and self-doubt. He didn’t receive the support he needed from adults around him. We spent a year processing how his childhood abuse was still influencing his life, both as a husband and as a parent of two little girls. He was eventually able to let go of the anger and speak about his pain. Now he enjoys a fulfilling life. Today he is thriving, mostly by being kinder to himself. We occasionally have mental health check-ups. And, as a bonus, he was able to seek and find justice vis-à-vis the molester and the institution that employed him.
Do you ever turn down clients?
Well, I don’t exactly turn them down, but we can agree not to work together. When working with any kind of coach or counselor you have to open up and get to the heart of the pain. There must be basic honesty and trust. It takes some guts to get out of your comfort zone and to tell the stories of your life and examine the decisions you’ve made and to get to a more centered and peaceful place you have to wade through some pain and unpleasantness. Some people just aren’t ready; staying stuck in their pain is all they know.
What are the three things you want your clients to gain from working with you?
First, the only thing we can control is ourselves. We certainly cannot change the things that have happened and sometimes we cannot change the things that will happen, but we can always try to control how we react to them and be responsible for our own actions. Stand up for what we feel strongly about. Today, with social media, there is a tendency to lash out or hit back without thinking through the consequences. We can’t control what other people do, but we can control how we respond. And we can also be the model for calm clear thinking for our children and our society, the model of considered and rational and generous, and truthful behavior.
Second is kindness. Being kind does not need to cost anything. Being kind is not a weakness. But being kind can make a huge impact on the people around you. Open a door for someone. Help a stranger. Be slow to cast judgment. Resist gossip. Engage others in positive ways, in stores or online, or in-house. Treat everyone like you would wish to be treated. We are not “us” versus “them,” but all together.
Third, we all have pain. Life can be painful. It doesn’t help to compare pain. But we all have it. It is never too late to find the cause of your pain, to eliminate or ease it some. We can change our behaviors, leave toxic relationships, work on ourselves, become better parents, partners and friends, and citizens. And we can live life in healthier and more fulfilling ways.
Do you have a social media presence?
Yes, I have a Facebook group too called “This Way Forward,” which is what I do in my practice to help people move forward. I have a website, tamaramendelson.com, and am on LinkedIn and Instagram.
Finally, Tamara, what is your big goal?
I strive to appreciate the world that is mine. We as people need to be thankful for what we have and not always need more. More does not necessarily make us happier. I would like to be a part of a sustainable planet movement with each decision I make. Aside from the happiness of my children and partner, family, and friends, I want to help my clients live happier more fulfilled lives. Thank you so much for this opportunity.
