Ambiguous Loss Moves Under The Radar
- Nov 3, 2024
- 5 min read
Sheryl Maharaj is well-recognised globally as a Relationship Consultant, specialising in multifaceted workplace dynamics and interpersonal relationships, with a unique focus on breaking patterns for transformative change. Sheryl integrates her love for ancient traditions and science-based methodology in human development for meaningful results.
Ambiguous loss can feel as deep and vast as the ocean. It’s endured in silence by millions daily, out of the spotlight and without awareness of its symptoms.
What is it?
It is a type of grief.
It’s described as a loss in “physical absence with psychological presence” such as an ending of relationship, workplace changes, parenting styles, family dynamics, divorce, estrangement or ghosting.
It can be a loss of loved ones, friendships or colleagues that have been torn away from you. It may feel undeserving and unbearable to cope with the circumstances.
Ambiguous loss can also be experienced as “psychological absence with physical presence” in relationships such as the workaholic, our parenting styles, loss of identity, mental illness and disorders, depression, dementia, addictions, trauma and injuries.
This type of grief is endured if imposed on us by others or we experience it through natural occurrences, conditioning, circumstances and experiences outside of our control.
If exposed to circumstances with no closure, confusion or with no potential resolution to an outcome, this type of grief will continue to impact us especially if the root cause is not recognised and addressed for what it is.
The circumstances may not always have a direct physical cause, nevertheless the pain is real. It’s largely a matter of the heart.
As we shed light and bring awareness on situational grief and loss and its impact the necessary support and skills in place will allow us to move through interpersonal dynamics and workplace environments with the necessary knowledge and understanding.
Minimising an experience
It is challenging to accept ambiguity. Especially if it’s onsite has perforce an action that is out of your control. Making sense of it is difficult. Living through situations that are unclear or have multiple meanings presenting at once, isn’t an easy feat.
To watch loved ones, endure pain or loss and feeling helpless in the circumstance intensifies this type of grief. It may feel undeserving and even cruel. We lose sight of the nature of our human experience. As we bury in shame, fear or lack the depth of understanding the ripple effect continues and reaches new heights.
An ability to think about situations in a new or different way may start to ease the grief. On the other hand, this type of grief may never ease up and will leave its mark. An onset may be sudden and with no linear path. It asks for change, reflection and for creating new stories.
We are not expected to minimise ambiguous loss with sentiments such as “get over it” or “forget about it” or “move on”, “it will get easier”, “keep going”, “it’s a crisis, that will pass with time”.
It is necessary to be able to express our challenges and make room for it without minimising, judgement, rejection, hiding or being ostracized for the inevitable human experience.
Expressing challenging experiences makes a world of difference rather than bypassing difficult conversations. Secondly, learning different skills to build resilience as we move through pain and finding ways to effectively communicate will shed light on its impact and lead to opportunities with a buffet of choices. The degree to which we can cope with ambiguous loss depends on our awareness and openness to communicate.
Change management initiatives and channels of communication in the workplace have potential for positive impact on individuals in various ways.
I invite you to recognise your sheer strength and resilience as you move through transitions, changes, uncertainty, growth and devasting periods of life. Kudos to you.
A piece of the puzzle
Death isn’t a prerequisite to grief.
Ambiguous loss is nuanced. It is a piece of the puzzle in our daily life that needs our awareness and to acknowledge, understand and address in its context.
In our coping mechanisms we tend to view these life challenges, transitions and loss as failure rather than part and parcel of our lifecycle. We sit in shame, cast judgement on it and remove the space to hold compassion and understanding towards ourselves and others.
Lack of awareness on root cause and symptoms narrow our focus on solutions which otherwise bring a holistic perspective. Instead setting in place outdated policies, legislation and processes that deepen the issues and cause unnecessary grief, loss and compounding trauma.
Humanising an experience is critical. It allows us to understand why and how to best deal with ambiguous loss in its context. Change asks us to take off our mask and look directly at the facts rather than choose to cast detrimental consequences and perpetuate the path of widespread impact.
The mask of ambiguous loss
Loss and grief are interwoven into our human existence. It’s not only experienced at the end of our life cycle.
Prevention, education, openness and awareness become key drivers to lessen its impact. From this place we move through fear and shame into a place of broader understanding with a flexible mindset.
Ambiguous loss hides within symptoms masked as underperformance in the workplace, inability to achieve our potential, overachieving, quality of relationships, conflict, poor decision-making, blocked cognition, moral injury, relationship endings, parenting stress, disease, addictions, feeling stuck, lack lustre, hopelessness, addictions, physical pain, poor sleep quality, unhealthy anger, depression, reduced life satisfaction, irritability, anxiety, confusion, digestive issues, headaches, loss of appetite or overeating and the list goes on. These are universal themes.
Keeping it out of gaze, at arm’s length, pretending it is not happening, hushing in secret, hiding and supressing, silencing, or numbing our grief and loss will triple in mayhem directly, indirectly and collectively. This type of grief walks with individuals day in and day out. We are doing ourselves a tremendous disservice by shutting it down without any attempt to have the courageous conversation.
Ambiguous loss has a direct impact in the workplace environment, within family dynamics, friendships and collectively. It exists and moves under the radar in our everyday lives.
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Read more from Sheryl Maharaj
Sheryl Maharaj, Relationship Consultant And Founder, Nourish
Sheryl Maharaj is well-recognised globally as a Relationship Consultant And Founder, Nourish. Her services aim to bring awareness to the forefront for individuals, team and organisations with pragmatic tools for moving through conflict, breaking patterns, creating connection, mastering effective communication and decision-making and maintaining sustainable change. She has a background in human development, conflict resolution, polyvagal/nervous system integration and transformative change.
