Alone Vs. Lonely – The Difference Could Mean Finding The One Or Not
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 1, 2024
- 6 min read
Allana Pratt is an intimacy expert, relationship coach, author of 6 books, and the host of the edgy podcast “Intimate Conversations”.
Imagine you were hiking and got hungry. Yet you had no idea you had on a backpack full of food, cool water, and even a really friggen delicious chewy vegan chocolate chip cookie.
As you got hungrier and hungrier, you became more and more desperate to get food.
You would even take food from another if no one was watching.
You would pretend you were someone you weren’t just to get food.
You would get angry at god & the goddess that they had forsaken you.
You would resent other people who happily munched on their cookies.
After days and days of frantic desperate seeking for food, you began to question if you were even good enough for food.
Eventually, as your body is weakened, you may feel hopeless and resigned that you may never find food.
Things would get very dark inside. You would eventually give up. Some might even starve to death.
Dating and hiking are not that dissimilar.
Hiking, not knowing you have a backpack filled with food, is like dating without knowing all you seek is actually inside your heart.
As an intimacy expert, I show my cherished clients that they have a backpack filled with food and it’s with them at all times; they’re just miswired to look outside in all the wrong places. They’re seeking safety, worth, and attention from others, getting farther and farther away from the source of their aliveness, and unnecessarily living in hopelessness and aloneness.
Rewiring yourself can be easier said than done. It requires you to get off the hamster wheel and slow down. It requires you to learn to feel your feelings and sit in the fire. It requires you to stop blaming everyone (including yourself) and begin to engage on the journey of self-discovery, what I call becoming the one, aka having an intimate relationship with yourself first.
When you do, you literally go from avoidant or anxious to having a secure attachment to yourself. You discover that all the love, approval, attention, agreement, compassion, care, and kindness is found inside rather than outside.
Beware! This is a real letdown for the ego that wants to control you by keeping you out of alignment with your true self and always questioning your worth, and continuing to desperately seek ‘the one’ so that you can finally be happy.
Simultaneously, it’s a really exquisite, soulful wake-up call for the heart to find its way home.
And ironically that is exactly what vibrationally attracts your ideal partner! Ah ha! Bingo! We just reverse-engineered meeting your goals and teaching you what it requires to keep your beloved once you meet them.
I guide my clients to see that the reason they can’t find the one (or think they found the one only to be ghosted, cheated on, used, abused, or taken advantage of) is that they are seeking someone to complete them, not compliment them.
They are seeking from hunger, not living from a satisfied tummy, glowing in enoughness. They are dating to feel wanted and needed, rather than becoming the one to find the one, rather than being whole and finding a whole mate I like to call this kind of healthy whole relationship a ‘heartmate’ where two ‘fed’ hearts come together to deliciously ignite heart-centered aliveness in one another.
We’re lonely because we haven’t fed ourselves love, care, kindness, compassion, or appreciation and f’ing celebrated all our parts, not just the parts that look good on social media, but the parts that we want no one to see, the parts that have us curled into a fetal position terrified to be hurt again. We need to love and accept those parts just as much as our impressive accomplishing and achieving parts.
We’re really actually hungry for our own self-love, self-care, and self-celebration.
When we spend time literally talking compassionately to the little you inside of our hearts instead of starving them, judging them, criticizing them (and blaming everyone on the outside for our lives) we find a place of inner stillness, calm serenity, embodied forgiveness, allowance of all and judgment of nothing. We could call that being whole or conscious.
How do you ‘feed’ yourself? Instead of swiping and swiping from empty, go for walks in nature and meditate. Practice dance movement, healthy boundaries, and courageous communication asking questions that really matter. Pick up journaling with profound life-giving questions. Become part of a conscious community of growth-oriented people. Practice tenacity, dignity, and humility. Learn to sit in the fire and lean into your emotions so as to integrate them into wisdom.
This type of soul-feeding may result in being alone but far from lonely.
These behaviors, practices, and choices result in feeling confident for no reason, appearing like that “it” person, oozing sex appeal, and alluring high-quality partners because you’ve come to peace with the fact that life is uncertain, and you’re ok with that.
You have your own back no matter what.
Sure, you prefer not to get ditched or hurt again, yet you’re bigger than any circumstance. You are inwardly nourished in the face of any hike’s terrain or unexpected weather. You’re whole and complete and choosing a partner versus needing one to finally be enough is super sexy. Magnetic, in fact yet not to everyone (that would be exhausting anyway).
You become sacredly alluring to your ideal partner.
That’s how I’ve designed my coaching programs it’s a fertile ground for people who know that real relationships require real work. They love who they’ve become in the intimacy training discovering how the very worst has brought out the very best in them. They love practicing meaningful, deep, intimate, vulnerable conversations with other members without the pressure of Is this the one?
They know couples who grow together, stay together. And while they may be alone in their home, they are home in their heart, with source, with conscious community, and with their bold dreams of epic love becoming a reality. They rarely get lonely anymore, and if they do, they have a host of practices, tools, meditations, live calls, and conscious people to reach out to and connect with. It’s safe. It’s transparent. It’s a playground for spiritual grownups.
We were all born with energetic backpacks of healthy nourishment for our souls. We were all born with the capacity to shift from lonely to simply alone. When we’re home inside partnering with ourselves, we can become home with a partner. We were all born with the ability to rewire ourselves to stop seeking the one and instead do what works: become the one to find the one, which, of course, is what’s required to awaken the one you’re with.
I’m blessed beyond measure to have birthed a beautiful community where people become their own ‘heartmate’ first and then find their ideal partner. And when ‘heartmates’ meet, it’s not a completion. It’s the beginning of a new reality where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. They give from the overflow to uplift humanity. And wouldn’t you agree that now more than ever the world needs heart-based nourishment? Choose a new path to lasting love, leaving loneliness behind forever, find nourishing peace in your alone time, and keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing the path is the destination until you look into the eyes of your ideal match, I'm grateful you took the road less traveled.
As committed as you are, what’s still repelling deep connection, fulfilling sex, and heart-centered intimacy? Your Blindspots. Unintegrated heartbreak. Let’s move you from confused to clarity, insecure to confident, disheartened to hopeful single to finding The One. We’ve got you.
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Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those ready to heal heartbreak, live unapologetically and attract a soul-shaking relationship. This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast Intimate Conversations: Season 12- Become the One, where listeners learn how to ‘Become the One’ to 'Find the One’ which ‘Awakens the One.'
