Written by: Yvette Durazo, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Abrasive behaviors can come from employee to employer, among co-workers, or from employer to employee; only the latter is difficult to control. Some myths and misconceptions follow this variation of abrasive behavior. This guide was created to help; lighten abrasive behavior, the people involved, dispell myths surrounding the concepts, and how to deal with abrasive behavior in the workplace with the top performers.
What Does it Mean to be Abrasive?
Though dictionaries have a straightforward definition for being abrasive, society has tagged many misconceptions to the word. Some ideologies term abrasiveness as being straight to the point. Another hypothesis terms it as anti-social or a defensive mechanism for a troubled past or mental weakness. However, according to the Collins Dictionary, the standard definition of being abrasive is someone unkind and rude.
Common signs of this behavior include lack (or the appearance of lack) of empathy, being highly opinionated, telling something as it is, being oblivious to people’s discomfort around you, being a workaholic, nitpicking, playing only to win, and being money-driven. People also experience target taunting, throwing threats, name-calling, people degradation & humiliation, public criticism, instilling fear in targets, and the possibility of physical attacks.
Until it gets physical, many tend to believe that abrasive behavior can be tolerated and is bound to happen. However, toleration of a negative personality does more harm than good. It can lead to decreased productivity from the target or victim, increased absence of mind and self, feelings of betrayal, increased apathy, and in worse cases, could lead to suicidal attempts (sometimes successful). For these reasons and more, abrasive behavior must be stopped.
Don’t Make It Worse
Here are four reasons managers and company heads hesitate to eliminate abrasive behavior. Not that these reasons are mere misconceptions fed by ignorance and fear of the future.
Management chooses expertise over behavior
One person might have so much to offer to a company that the management overlooks the situation. However, it is essential to note that abrasive personalities affect the victim and the witnesses by distracting them from work, creating a heated environment, and instilling fear. Therefore, the company might value the abrasive person and devalue others.
Misinterpreting the behaviour
Many people see rude behavior as being very serious about work responsibilities. But you can be nice and welcoming and still be very serious. Tearing people down is not a good leadership trait.
Thinking there is no harm done
Sadly, this is the opposite of true. Though the harm is not physical, the victim feels emotional and mental damage. The boss also creates an unhealthy work environment with more tension, distraction, and discomfort. Sometimes, consistent verbal expressions of abrasiveness can later advance into physical disrespect like shoving or pushing.
Believing it’ll resolve itself.
Conflicts don’t resolve themselves. People come together to set things straight against abrasive behavior. Characters must be reinvented, and all parties involved must look within themselves for change. In the same way, the management needs to put some policies in place against abrasive behavior.
Who Can Make a Difference? The Agents of the Behaviour
In every moment of an abrasive demeanor, there are three people involved. Actions taken by these people determine the outcome or the situation. Below is a brief outline of these people, their characteristics, and their predicted actions.
The Boss
Boss, in this context, does not necessarily mean the company's owner or manager. Note that abrasiveness can happen in all top-performing positions. It can rise from the head of a department to a co-worker or from staff to non-staff members. Note that the boss isn't simply rude to everyone. He is driven by anger, stress, anxiety, frustration, or other emotions and then takes these feelings out on the weaker member of the team. Instead of trying to sort things out, he belittles, blames, and refuses to take responsibility, hence raging out hurtful words to the victim.
The Victim
This is the target of abrasive behaviour. Often the weakest in the company, the victim, is known not to be defensive. By not knowing how to defend himself or retaliate, he allows others to vent their anger on him by taking the blame and keeping quiet. This usually hurts his self-esteem, productivity, and mental and emotional well-being. Studies show that some targets grow enough confidence to speak back after a while, but only a small percentage refuse to get beaten down even harder. The larger percentage could either remain in that toxic relationship or end things permanently.
The Witness
This person or group sticks around during any act of abrasiveness. They are usually around during public criticism and tend to keep away from the situation. Some refuse to act out of fear of being the next victim; others do not see the need to. A few percent come to console the victim after the embarrassment and belittling are over, but that does little to no good.
How to Deal with Abrasive Behaviour in the Workplace
To deal with an abrasive person as the victim, you have open up and tell the person how you feel in the most direct way possible. Don’t take things personally. Treat it from a work-related point of view since an abrasive person already sees feelings as a weak character. Encourage them to seek help and avoid confronting them as much as possible. Finally, set your boundaries moving forward. Make it clear what you can accept and what you will not tolerate.
If you are the boss, ask yourself where the emotions are coming from and find an outlet to express yourself rather than letting it out on someone else. Help the weak team member to get stronger because a weakling cannot do much to lift the company higher in the face of challenges. It is also slightly difficult to have a proactive weakling. If the victim has a unique skill set, invest in it; you might see just how capable he is.
Witnesses should not stand on the sidelines and do nothing. Through coaching, support, and advice, it is more effective to defuse the act while in motion. Speak up and stand your ground against the boss. Two or more people are tougher to bring down than one. Further, when you stand together, it helps the management see the need to set things straight.
Summary
Victims, witnesses, and the management should not tolerate abrasive behavior, no matter what goes into play. While some situations and misconceptions can make things worse, it always helps to speak out against the attacker. Whether you are the victim or the witness, don’t be scared to defuse an act of abrasiveness when you sense one. Set your boundaries and let the management know the need for an intervention. You can leave the toxic environment or resign if things get too out of hand.
Yvette Durazo, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Yvette Durazo, MA, ACC is the author of the book Conflict Intelligence Quotient (Conflict IQ™); The Missing Piece to Turbocharge Conscious Leaders’ and Organizations’ Emotional Intelligence. She is the founder and principal consultant at Unitive Consulting, a workplace organizational effectiveness, strategic conflict management, and leadership development firm. Some of her services included, training, mediating conflicts in the workplace, anti-bullying prevention, settlement negotiations, developing dispute system design, and bringing unique strategies to address the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) workplace.
She is passionate about optimizing professionals and teams to engage in constructive problem-solving communication toward instilling respect, civility, and collaboration. She believes that human conflict is one of the most important things organizations must learn to work with and harness to overcome any derailing of employees’ performance and engagement. Her methodologies are like a vitamin that is the breath of life to the immunity of organizations.
Presently, Yvette is an instructor for the Human Resource Management Certification program at the University of California, Santa Clara Extension Silicon Valley. She also is an instructor for the University of California Davis, Conflict Resolution Program and teaches for Portland State University in the Conflict Resolution and Mediation department. She holds a PCC coaching credential from the International Coach Federation, a master’s degree in Conflict Resolution, Negotiation, and Peacebuilding from California State University Dominguez Hills, and an undergraduate degree in International Business from San Diego State University. She is a former Core Adjunct Professor at National University, where she taught courses in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Mediation, and Communication for over six years, and a former Instructor for the Leon Guanajuato Mexico Institution Power of Justice. Yvette is fully bilingual in Spanish and has expertise in cultural diversity and inclusion.
