Sandra Ehlers is a Self-Integration & Kundalini Awakening Guide, Trauma Informed Yoga Meditation Teacher, Event Facilitator, Reiki Master, and Writer. Her work is dedicated to inner union – not only through expanded awareness, but as a lived, embodied experience of wholeness in the world. The focus is on transforming and integrating all levels of consciousness; physical, emotional,
How our own psychology can work for us to rebuild safety and trust. Our attitude to life begins with our internal sense of safety and trust. If we grew up a sense that the world isn't safe, it can leave us feeling unsteady and unsupported in our challenges. Even if distrust wasn't part of our original worldview, but a belief system imposed on us by others, it can carry over to the relationship with ourselves.
Unsurprisingly, distrusting oneself can have debilitating consequences. We may hold ourselves back from having our needs and desires met, or from speaking our truth even if we're being hurt. We may avoid making life choices aligned with what we desire just to stay within the confines of what feels safe enough.
I can think of few things as confining, uncertain and unsupported as having to daily question: Is there anything trustworthy to hold onto in this universe?
My deep dives into trust and distrust have afforded me understanding of how trust works, and in particular, how we can have our own psychology work for us rather than against us as we navigate the uncertainties of life.
The process I have used to overcome deep distrust and unsafety can be related to projective identification; our mental ability to project out aspects of ourselves so that we can have a relationship with them.
When using this natural tendency intentionally to find self-support and nourishment, we could perhaps call it "Intentional projective identification".
Intentional projective identification: The earth holding you
Let’s look at an example of how this process works. Eve was brought up in a chaotic home. Her only source of peace was to be in a nearby forest. A place where she could be herself, play, rest and rejuvenate, connect with the living beings of the wild, and with earth as a living being.
Eve did not have her needs for safety and connection met at home. But though her refuge in nature, she found an alternative source of connection that offered some degree of every quality she felt missing. It was easy and natural for Eve to let the earth embrace her in unconditional presence.
Without realizing it, Eve was projecting out the lacking qualities in her life into a presence that could hold them for her. As adults, we can do the same, but consciously. As we come to recognize where we feel constriction and lack, we can create a safe holding space to hold those qualities we feel unable to embody within ourselves.
This is not to replace therapy and healing relationships with people; rather to complement it with additional sources of self-support.
Rebuilding trust in relationships is a very vulnerable process, requiring us to also rebuild trust within ourselves. We come to meet the parts of us that feel undefined and that lack boundaries, so that we can learn about our needs and values, and reinvent ourselves with deeper self-alignment.
While relationships require a steady sense of self and clear boundaries to be healthy, having alternative ways to connect to safety and nurturing can help establish a sense of inner stability and trust first, before (or in parallel with) the added challenge of learning boundaries with another.
Using positive projective identification as a tool
There are two keys to use this kind of projection in a healthy, conscious way. First, we must be careful about what we choose to allow to hold us. We can theoretically find a safe embrace with any place, being, or concept. To allow a feeling of physical relational presence, without risking the negative side effects of human displacement, nature is generally a safe option.
Safe objects or places can also serve as temporary holding spaces for the nurturing qualities we crave. And often, our pets already serve this purpose for us!
Whatever works is good, keeping in mind that we are using this as a temporary tool to support our ability to trust and hold ourselves.
Secondly, we need to be able to truly experience the qualities we need through our object of conscious projection. How you best connect to the experience of having your needs fulfilled – whether through nature, animals, objects or a higher truth – will be deeply personal.
It is important to allow yourself room to explore and learn more about your actual needs. The more attention you give to caring for yourself, the more personally supportive your practices will become, and the more you learn to safety around receiving, and allowing your needs to be met.
Transferring trust from external to internal
With practice, you'll feel it easier to tap into what you need in the moment. Perhaps you no longer have to visit your safe space to do it – just imagining it helps you tap into safety. This is the time to begin to recognize the place or object as a vehicle – one that you are becoming ready to let go of.
Instead of using the vehicle, you are learning to feel and recognize that you are that safety for yourself. What perhaps seemed unimaginable at the beginning of this journey; self-trust, is becoming your embodied reality.
This process can be used for any inner experience you desire to embody. And it can be supported by any physical anchor that helps you tap into your desired feeling. Your imagination is your limit!
Just remember, the next step is to integrate your reinvented self into your personal relationships. Consistent relating with people who are able to hold you in your process of rebuilding trust, is key to heal fearful memories over time.
With time, your added confidence around your needs and boundaries, and knowing that you can always return to your safe space for extra integration, will support you to safely invite another in.
Sandra Ehlers, Self-integration and Awakening Guide
Sandra Ehlers is a Self-Integration & Kundalini Awakening Guide, Trauma Informed Yoga Meditation Teacher, Event Facilitator, Reiki Master, and Writer. Her work is dedicated to inner union – not only through expanded awareness, but as a lived, embodied experience of wholeness in the world. The focus is on transforming and integrating all levels of consciousness; physical, emotional, mental, energetic and spiritual – creating a foundation for deepened present-moment awareness, equanimity, aliveness, and ultimately, bliss. Alongside workshops, classes and retreats, Sandra offers 1:1 support to self-alignment through the Completion Process and other modalities.
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