7 Strategies for Comfort, Encouragement, and Guidance in Embracing the New Parent Gap Challenges
Jane Honikman, M.S. became an activist for parental mental health after placing her first-born baby for adoption. She is the founder of Postpartum Support International, an author and recognized as a leader of the social support movement promoting the emotional wellbeing of parents and their families.
Many years ago, I was pregnant, single, and alone. I gave birth in a foreign country and never saw my baby. I had no emotional support. Several years later, I was happily married, and we got pregnant. I gave birth with a supportive husband but away from extended family and friends. We had no emotional support. These contrasting yet similar experiences motivate me to offer comfort, encouragement, and guidance to new families. However, there are major gaps in helping new families in our communities.
We know that communities are human systems where we live, work, learn, pray, and play. We gather together based on our cultural values and with a common purpose. When a newborn arrives, there is an interruption to the parents’ existing community. How do expectant and new families find or create new networks?
After the birth of our second child, my friends and I co-founded Postpartum Education for Parents (PEP). It was conceived from our own needs as struggling young parents, away from our families, and inundated with professional advice. What we lacked was a supportive environment where we could share our highs and lows and not be judged or criticized when we admitted to feeling overwhelmed, scared, or inadequate.
It was about making friends, learning about community resources, and gaining confidence as new parents. For over forty years, I have been passionate about improving the outcomes for babies and their parents through proven and practical strategies.
1. Identify your gap in the transition to parenthood
The first step is to acknowledge your own feelings about becoming a parent. I felt isolated, inadequate, and insecure. What about you? I had a secret that I could not share. Do you have any unresolved personal traumas? I needed friends but had none close by. Are you surrounded by individuals who will not judge you?
2. Identify your sleep gap
Ask yourself and your partner, “Are we sleeping when given the opportunity?” First, pregnancy disrupts your regular sleep cycles, then the onset of labor and birth upsets your inner clock. The newborn’s arrival challenges normal routines. Who will support your new family as you explore and establish new sleep schedules?
3. Identify your food gap
Are you eating? Adequate nutritional intake requires an appetite as well as the pragmatic aspect of having food available. There is a direct link in the brain between eating well, sleeping, and dealing with stress. The baby is being fed, but what about the new parents? Do you have family and friends shopping for food and providing meals for you?
4. Identify your parent and infant dance gap
The next challenge is learning to decipher the infant’s needs. It begins as a dance between parents and baby. During these changes, the focus may shift away from parental self-care. Can you respect these changes and allow your entire body, from the brain down, to heal emotionally and physically? This applies to adoptive parents too.
5. Identify your peer support network gap
Is there free emotional support in your community? New families deserve to be surrounded by supportive peers, family, and friends. It is with a social support network that we feel a sense of belonging and security. New parents increase their self-worth by not being isolated and struggling alone. The baby will feel this as well. Are there new parent discussion groups to ease this gap?
6. Identify when to ask for professional help gap
There are therapists, doctors, and educators who want to validate and reassure new families. The difficulty is finding experts in your community. It is also painful to admit the need for professional help. During pregnancy, the mother and unborn baby receive routine care. But what about the expectant father? Who is asking the couple the critical question, “How are you feeling?” This is especially important for those who have personal and/or family histories of secrets, traumas, and illness.
7. Identify the missing resource gap
It is critical that our social networks for new families be consciously created. Our psychological well-being benefits from having a network of supportive relationships. Even if a new family has relatives living nearby when a baby arrives, it is vital to make friends with others experiencing the same life event. Who in your community can build such a network?
The transition from being single, to becoming a couple, and then a family requires change. Some families will face more difficulties than others. New families need and deserve comfort, encouragement, and guidance through supportive communities to bond with their peers and reach out to trained professionals. We know that social interactions are essential for optimum physical and mental health. The baby and the parents will build lasting friendships, strong personal relationships, and social ties in a community that offers this opportunity.
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Read more from Jane Honikman
Jane Honikman, Parental Mental Health Consultant
Jane Honikman began her career in 1977 while struggling as a young parent by co-founding Postpartum Education for Parents (PEP). Her vision led to her foundng Postpartum Support International (PSI). She consults, trains and mentors individuals on how to promote family emotional wellbeing in their own communities based on her own experiences from conception through grandparenthood. Jane's pragmatic approach offers comfort, encouragement, guidance and support through her Parental Action Institute (PAI).
