Written by: Sara Mueller, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Looking to increase employee retention, reduce burnout, and achieve high-performance leadership? Research says emotional intelligence is the most effective way to do so. Just ask our friend, Google, and you’ll see vast research citing the huge benefits emotional intelligence has to you, your organization, and your personal life.
I’ll leave the data to Google, and instead, share with you four straightforward ways to increase your emotional intelligence so you can start reaping the rewards of high-performance leadership in both your professional and personal life.
Emotional intelligence is created through four pillars: self-awareness, self-management, others-awareness, and relationship management. To achieve high emotional intelligence, you have to start at the first pillar (self-awareness) and work your way up. Because you can’t effectively influence others, manage conflict in a productive way, and inspire high-performance teamwork if you can’t relate with others. You can’t relate with and understand others if you can’t understand and manage your own feelings, triggers, and motivations. Finally, you can’t manage yourself and live a productive, intentional life if you don’t first know yourself. So let’s start with knowing yourself, which we tackle in the first pillar of emotional intelligence: self-awareness.
EQ Pillar 1: Self-Awareness: Decipher The Message Your Neutral Feelings Are Sending You
One way to increase your self-awareness is to feel your feelings. This is harder than it sounds as most of us were taught during childhood to hide, numb out, or deny our feelings. Boys were told, “Boys don’t cry,” or “Toughen up” when they expressed sensitive feelings. Girls were told, “Smile and look pretty” or “Don’t be angry. No one wants to work with a bitch.” Many of us grew up in cultures where children were supposed to be seen and not heard.
Or if we had a big emotion that our parents didn’t know how to handle, we may have heard, “You’re sad about not getting inviting to Kayla’s party? Here, have a cookie. This will make you feel better!” (And we wonder why so many of us stress-eat.) Or, “Johnny didn’t invite you to his birthday party. Well, let’s go get a new Lego set from the store. That will make you feel better!” (And we wonder why so many of us participate in “retail therapy.”)
To incentivize you to start feeling your feelings, especially if you were trained not to, understand that your feelings aren’t good or bad. Instead, they are neutral messengers. If you feel anger, that may mean there’s something you want to take a stand against. If you feel joy at work, that may mean you’re operating in your zone of genius and should request more similar projects. If you feel sad, that may mean you cared about what you lost and should consider some gentle self-care as you grieve. If you feel resentful, that may mean a boundary needs to be established. If you feel guilt, that may mean something needs to change. What is the message your feeling has for you?
EQ Pillar 2: Self-Management: Stop Repeating Unproductive Patterns
The second pillar of emotional intelligence, self-management, is tricky for most of us. Most of the things that contribute to effective self-management, we already know we should be doing – yet we don’t do them consistently! These things include exercising regularly, getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night, eating healthy whole foods, learning to relax, spending time on what matters, and practicing self-care.
Many of us deprioritize the things that help us manage ourselves effectively, and find ourselves living on autopilot, responding to other’s needs, and always feeling “so busy.” To get out of our negative habits and behaviors, we first have to understand where they come from.
As human beings we are still being led by a brain that hasn’t evolved much since our earliest ancestors. Our brain doesn’t like change; it wants to repeat patterns and stay on autopilot so it can conserve energy for spotting and dealing with danger. Lions or getting caught in a snow storm without shelter or a hungry tribe of humans that want to steal our food were common in our earliest days. Humans with a brain that grouped experiences into patterns so they could be on the lookout for danger survived, thus evolution favored this patterning brain. To this day, research shows that we are still living 95 percent of our life on autopilot, even though the dangers we face in our modern day are often much less severe.
In order to manage yourself effectively, you need to be aware of your patterns, including your emotional patterns, relational patterns, core beliefs, and daily habits. Once aware, you can deconstruct them and begin choosing more conscious, productive behavior that is in line with your greatest self and aspirations. You’ll be able to consistently contribute to your success and wellness, rather than neglecting what you know you “should” be doing.
EQ Pillar 3: Others Awareness: Listen Without Fixing To Validate Your Team
The third pillar of emotional intelligence, others awareness, is all about empathy. Many of us, however, practice sympathy with others, which is like trying to fix the person in front of us, instead of empathy, which is authentically connecting with someone. Instead of jumping in to fix whatever your colleague or loved one is coming to you with, listen. Just listen.
Listen without waiting for your turn to respond. Listen without interrupting, “Me too!” Listen without preparing your response. Listen. Allow for a five-second pause between when the other person finishes speaking and you respond. Often, with that inviting pause, the person will begin to share what is really going on behind the words they just spoke to you. It is after truly being listened to that we begin to come up with our own answers, which empowers your team and helps them to feel validated.
Validating your team and loved ones is one of the most important things you can do. Beyond the basic human needs of food, water, shelter, and safety, our greatest human desire is to be seen, heard, and understood.
Validating someone does not mean that you agree with them or they are right. It means that you are honoring their feelings and perspective which will be different from your perspective 100 percent of the time. It lets the important person in front of you know that they matter. It reduces burnout and increases resilience when your team members feel understood and cared about as a human, not just a number or a means to an end. It even tames tantrums in our children who have the same basic desire to be seen, heard, and understood as we adults do.
EQ Pillar 4: Relationship Management: Stop Avoiding Conflict And Difficult Conversations
After you have mastered the first three pillars of emotional intelligence, you are finally able to attempt the fourth pillar: relationship management. This is where effective, inspirational leadership happens. This is where healthy marriages and raising thriving children takes place. This is where businesses empower their people to generate their greatest results.
One simple way to increase your relationship management skills is to have the difficult conversations you are avoiding. Various data shows that the majority of business executives actively avoid difficult conversations and necessary conflict, and that several hours of productivity are wasted per week per person by not having these crucial conversations. The same is happening in our families and communities.
Instead, get started today. Have the conversations. Hold your people accountable. Show up vulnerably for those you lead and love. What have you got to lose? A lot! So get to it!
To learn how we can support you and your team in increasing retention and reducing burnout through unforgettable emotional intelligence training, click here.
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Sara Mueller, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Sara Mueller believes we CAN have it all. She helps leaders develop emotional intelligence, resilience, and high performance so they can balance an impactful career AND a meaningful family life. After being burnt out in her career and hitting rock bottom in her marriage, Sara realized that her limiting beliefs and unproductive patterns were blocking joy and success in all areas of her life. So, she underwent an intense journey of self-discovery, learning how to own her authentic power, presence, and purpose. She now teaches the key learnings of her transformation in her Self-Mastery Method coaching and leadership programs. Prior to becoming a Success Mentor, Sara spent nearly two decades developing optimization training programs for Fortune Global 500 executives while also teaching mindfulness and yoga to people from all walks of life. She’s a certified Conscious Parenting Coach and is regularly regarded as “life-changing,” “eye-opening,” and “one of the most engaging facilitators I’ve ever seen” by her beloved clients.
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