Written by: Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Time and again I find myself in love conversations with spouses I interact with. I always begin by asking, “How did you meet your husband/wife?” A simple question loaded with happy memories. This is the time I see even the gloomiest person failing to resist a smile. It is a beautiful moment down memory lane. This is what lead me to make it a habit to ask myself the same question from time to time, just so I can experience the emotional transformation that comes with it.
More often than not, the marriage begins with happiness and celebrations coupled with affection and kindness. However, the big question is, does marriage smoothly ride on that path of affection and kindness? Is it true that from the day you married, you have only experienced affection and kindness? Nothing of the opposite? Well, if you are on planet earth, the truth is that, no matter how much you and your spouse love each other, you have experienced unpleasant moments. Sometimes those moments are as deep as leading to separation or at least the thought of it.
You ask yourself, what exactly went wrong and what can be the damage control? And even if you are in control, how best can you make it better?
Let’s look at 3 ways to best hold your marriage without breaking yourself.
Keep Choosing Your Marriage
I like to look at marriage from a driving perspective. Where your marriage is the vehicle whereas you and your spouse, as one entity, are the driver. You cannot be a passenger in the driver’s seat unless that vehicle is going nowhere. Every driver at least understands that his/her vehicle needs to be checked before and during the journey if you will have it take you the whole journey.
Your marriage is a simple combination of you and your spouse. Yes, that is what it is. When you are choosing your marriage, you are simply choosing that combination. You are responsible for choosing what goes in and out of your marriage. How much air or space is allowed in your marriage is a crucial determinant of how well you will be able to drive your marriage effectively. Imagine driving your vehicle on a long journey, at high speed, and with all the windows fully open. That, my friend, is definitely less effective, the opposite is true too.
Make decisions for the betterment of your marriage, not what others think or say because it’s not about them but your marriage. choose your marriage over your feeling because feelings come and go. When your marriage goes, it does not come back in the same form, size, and shape.
Choosing your marriage requires you to have an unshakeable positive belief and attitude towards it. Believe that your marriage is worth fighting for and that it can be made better with your effort. It starts from there; belief gives you the energy required to be in your marriage.
Keep Choosing Your Spouse
Marriage presents itself in different forms, shapes, and sizes. One moment can present feelings of you not being able to live without your spouse. Looking at your spouse with so much to appreciate, love, and cherish. Counting all the stars and in all that, you can only see him or her, you cannot help but exclaim to yourself, ‘What a wonderful choice I made, heaven must surely be happy for me.’ The roses are falling on you, you can’t help but count the petals.
However, roses are not without thorns, sometimes you can be tempted to wonder what attracted you, and even when you remind yourself what it was, it still doesn’t make sense. Your spouse is a codriver of your marriage, turning the steering wheel without their acknowledgment, approval or understanding can be deadly. There is a temptation to do things as you please and deem them fit but remember, it is not a marriage if you are alone. You and your spouse are what makes a marriage, remember not to overlook that.
Choosing your spouse is deciding to commit, committing to choosing your spouse over and over, which is what helps you to stand and endure in times of trouble and in times of temptation to quit. The decision to care for someone holds the key to what privileges and what kind of harm can be allowed in your marriage.
Keep Choosing Yourself
You are a valuable person who makes good decisions and one of those decisions you made is your marriage and your spouse. Remember that you took the time and care to make that choice of marriage. Do not think of yourself any less of a good judge because you are just as good as any other good spouse and you need to believe and know that.
Making your marriage and your spouse a priority is making yourself a priority. When your marriage is not working as per your desire, all you need is to employ that good judge and decision-maker in you so that you can work around it. When you give to your spouse and your marriage, you give the same portion to yourself too. Your marriage life affects all other aspects of your life. There is a way in which everything in our lives is connected. Just like the engine of the vehicle alone cannot take you to your destination without the wheels and the body and everything that makes a vehicle. If your marriage is messed up, it won’t end there. Your career, friends, family, and health will be affected too.
Make it a point to understand that you are an important element of your marriage just as much as your spouse is. There is no marriage without you, your marriage needs you. Therefore, your mental, mindset, and your whole being needed to be right for your marriage to work. You are the driver, not the passenger and so as every driver, you look out for yourself and your vehicle.
Get help when you need to, because sometimes you can't have it all figured out. You need that ear to hear you, another eye to see and understand you and another mindset to show you the other side of the coin. Being understood and being rebuked are essential elements in your marriage.
Be Love Smart Be MarriageSmart!!!
Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ethel Hagonka Daka is a marriage coach, Writer, and founder of Vinthel marriage solutions. Ethel is driven by her passion, mission and vision to see better marriages and fulfilled spouses.
She is dedicated to helping couples be drivers of their own marriages other than them being passengers.
Through coaching and writing, Ethel helps spouses and couples to master their marriages so as to experience fulfilment even as they journey in the art of love and commitment towards one another.
She is a stronger believer that marriage is beautiful, can be made better and enjoyable provided that spouses apply the necessary ingredients.
