Written by: Amelia Harshfield, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Being driven and wanting to accomplish things can be a defining aspect of who you are. Your ambition may have fueled you to push harder, go further in life, and constantly keep your eye on the next prize. It may have led to incredible experiences and achievements thus far. While you may be successful in your career, you may not have been so focused on your romantic life. You may feel like you are missing out on dating and relationships. You may think an enjoyable relationship is not possible in your current situation. You might believe that romance will happen when you hit the next level of success. But it is possible to have both. You just need to learn how to allow them to happen simultaneously.
First, get clear on what you want out of your career and your relationship.
Relationships and careers take energy. Both require effort to maintain and grow. When you know what you are looking for with them, they can turn into something you give and receive from. This can give you more energy to get out of life.
There are lots of things your career may have given you. You might feel empowered and accomplished. You might be proud of how far you’ve come. You may be providing for others what you did not receive yourself. With all the work and sacrifice you’ve put into your career, what do you want out of it? What do you need now from all the hours you’ve put into your path? Do you need a certain financial level? Do you need recognition from your employees, teammates, or business partner? Would it be meaningful for you to realize all your hard work thus far? Do you need space to take a vacation without thinking about work the entire time? Do you need more time to destress? You are a valuable person. Your career should be worthy of you.
Now, let’s look at your love life. Healthy relationships can be a space of joy, expansion, and healing. They can make you feel grounded, secure, and happy. However, people usually want different things in a partner. Some people may seek a companion that can understand their childhood experiences. Others may desire a partner who listens well. Others want one that makes them laugh throughout the day.
If you focus on quality traits rather than physical attributes, financial status, and a partner’s potential you will likely find more substance in your relationship. When conflict arises having the right personality traits will help ensure an argument (and future fights) will not erode your relationship. Focus on quality traits that make relationships last.
The Gottman Institute studies relationships and what makes them work (and what does not). You can find more about the research here. They found that happy relationships boil down to simple yet profound skills. An example of one of these skills is being acknowledged by your partner. That means feeling heard and considered within your relationship most of the time. Another is staying curious about one another. Asking open-ended questions allows for a deeper connection. This keeps a sense of wonder in the relationship. There is always something else to learn about one another, no matter how long you may have known each other. Identifying attributes that make relationships last can be a great filter for picking your next partner. It can help you avoid dating dead ends.
Secondly, define your needs in a relationship.
You are important and it is your job to make sure your needs are looked after in your career and relationship. Much like you’ve gotten to a level of success with your career or business, you can also reach your dreams of being in a fulfilling relationship. It just takes practice and knowing how to have the right relationship.
Understanding your current needs can be confusing. This is particularly challenging when you are triggered, anxious, hopeless, stuck, and new to identifying them in relationships. Consider the following questions to bring some clarity. What do you want to give in a relationship? What do you want back that would make it worthwhile? How often do you want to see one another? How do you want conflicts to occur? Do you want someone who sees your needs as important? What does that look link in a partner? How often do you want to communicate? What are you willing to give up to find a happy relationship?
The more you know what you need out of a relationship, the easier it will be to find the right partner. Clarity gives you a sense of power with dating. You are saying that you deserve certain attributes in a person. You are not taking anyone based on how they look, talk, or act. You know your importance. That means less time spent on wrong partners and fretting over possible connections. Dating becomes simpler as you become clearer about the kind of person you want.
Thirdly, know how to ask for your needs directly and respectfully.
Even if you know your needs, asking for them can come with challenges. You may be afraid to ask for your needs. You might not believe your needs are worthy of being met. You might ask in ways that reduce the chance of your partner hearing them. You may only ask for your needs when you are at your wit's end or have too many glasses of wine. All of these can muddle your message and confuse your partner. The good news is that learning how to ask for your needs from a partner just takes practice.
The most direct and respectful way of asking for your needs is often done in parts. Ideally, you need to see if they are in a mental space to listen to you. You can check by asking them something like “do you have time to talk right now?”. That gives them a chance to listen or not. If not, you can ask another time. If they say yes, use a specific example of what you are wanting. The more particular you are, the easier it will be for them to understand. An example is “I’ve been super tired when I come home recently.” Then you ask for what you want differently. It could sound something like “Is it possible for you to do the dishes at night? It would really help me out” If they are not able to meet that, then you can find another way to get help. People are not always going to be able to meet your needs. But if you learn how to ask people, give them a specific request, and ask if they can meet it, it will allow your needs to be more likely to be heard.
Now, you can ask in the most direct and respectful way but that does not mean the other person will respond the way you want them to. You cannot control the other person's reactions. If they say no, now you know their answer. If your partner says yes, remember that they are probably learning new skills. That means you may need to remind them up to 30 times for the lesson to click for them. That does not imply anything about you or the relationship. It just means something about where they are at.
If you want to develop your relationship skills, you can download the Becoming Resilient workbook. This improves your emotional intelligence in relationships as you learn to meet your needs better. The first of the four sections is at no cost to you and can be found here. Having a fulfilling relationship and career can be accomplished. It usually takes you understanding what you are looking for, knowing what your needs are, and being able to ask for them directly and respectfully.
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Amelia Harshfield, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Amelia Harshfield is fascinated and motivated by what impact makers can achieve as they become more resilient. With a solid education and a master’s degree in economics, she has been creating passive income in Real Estate investing for over 5 years. Her key foundational work is The Overcoming Anxiety Method™, a powerful 4-step formula for playing a bigger game without being crushed by fear. This process is paramount to finding an authentic version of freedom and wealth. Mentoring and educating high-level operators is her passion, her work has been featured in magazines, podcasts, conferences, and she has been a trainer on Sir Richard Branson's Necker Island.
