10 Secrets to Helping Your Child Do Their Homework Independently
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 24
- 13 min read
Eleni Karacostas is an entrepreneur and a passionate supporter of Positive Parenting. She is the founder of Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that supports parents to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, based on the latest brain research.
Are you one of those parents who worry intensely about their child’s performance at school? I get you. You want your child to learn fast, to overcome obstacles, and to master her work for school as effectively as possible. You want to see her succeed in her academic life and later in her pursuit of a meaningful career.
We all want that.
The question is, why do we want that? Is it because we want our children to have a comfortable and easy life? Is it because we want them to make us proud? Or is it because we just want them to be happy?
At the end of the day, this last one is all that matters, right? So, let’s take that as a given. We want our child to be happy. How do we get from mastering homework and acquiring knowledge and skills to being happy? Let’s dig in, because it might be the opposite of what you thought.
Homework is an unpleasant task
If your child looks forward to completing their work for school with enthusiasm every day, then you are one of the very few, indeed, lucky parents. He is an exception. Homework can be a pleasant task, but for the most part, it is a task that is mandatory, even at times when your child just wants to play, which is his natural priority and tendency, especially in the earlier school years. It takes discipline and effort to master knowledge and skills that the child doesn’t already possess. It can be a source of disappointment and frustration. And often, it also becomes a power struggle between parent and child, as the parent tries to make the child take on the responsibility of homework, often by pressuring, reminding, and correcting work. Sadly, these techniques rarely work if you want to make homework a bit more bearable or even enjoyable for your child.
Mastering homework
If homework is tough on a child, and if we, as parents, cannot force our child to do it, then what can be done? How can a child take on this responsibility for themselves right from the first school years, when the necessity of homework enters a child’s life? The answer is one word. One word that sounds good, that seems pretty straightforward, but whose mechanisms are often quite unknown to most parents: encouragement. If you cannot force someone to do something, then you are left with the seemingly impossible task of trying to make that someone want to do what you want. That is where encouragement comes in. The truth is that we can rarely force someone to do something without inviting trouble. No one wants to be told what to do, not even a newborn baby. It is against our human nature. So, how can we refrain from pressure and control and place all our bets on encouragement when it comes to homework?
10 secrets to helping your child do their homework independently
Imagine welcoming your child from school and watching them as they independently do whatever is necessary to prepare for the next day. You ask them about their day and their homework situation for tomorrow while you prepare a snack to do your part in helping them get started. After a while, you both get on with your day and enjoy each other’s company or proceed to activities, hobbies, sports, or relaxation at home. You watch from afar and think, “How did I get so lucky to have a child who does their homework with ease and performs at school?” That is what I want to see you do a few months after reading this article. No stress, no power struggles, no doubts. Only faith (in your child) and admiration. Sounds good, right? Let’s now see how this appetizing scenario can be brought to life. Start slow, believe in the process, be patient, observe, and do these 10 simple things:
1. Let the child do the work
As early as first grade, when homework first makes its debut in a child’s life, we can help our child take on the responsibility of their work by just letting them do it on their own. Our role as parents is to help our child develop the habit and overcome obstacles. This means that all we need to do is try to schedule a specific time of day in the child’s routine when homework can be done, and also make sure there is a comfortable place in the house where the child can sit and work. Some children can work right after school. Some might want to relax a bit first and then start working. Observe to see when your child is most willing and able to transition to homework, and try to create a daily routine around it. Similarly, watch to see where your child feels more comfortable working. In the early years, it might be the kitchen table or even the floor! Don’t worry, whatever works is good enough. Later, when homework becomes more challenging and demanding, they will probably want a quiet environment in their room in order to study.
2. Be close to your child if they need help
Your next task is to show some curiosity about what they have for the next day, and if needed (usually at younger ages), help your child get started: open the books, find the page, understand the point of an exercise, etc. Then, just move away discreetly, staying close in case the child gets stuck and needs your help. If this happens, see what kind of help they need, offer it in a non-judgmental way, and when you are certain that they understand what is asked of them, move away again. You might need to offer this kind of help during all of first grade or the first few years of your child’s school life. Gradually, the child will get enough practice to know how to find out what the homework for the next day is or how to find the page in the book. If they need you, it will be for something they don’t understand or missed at school. If you know how to help, do so with care. If not, help your child figure out how they can get the help they need, e.g., by asking the teacher the next day or calling a classmate. Asking for help and learning where to find it is a great life lesson! As your child grows, you’ll be less and less able to help with the increasing complexity of homework tasks. In this case, knowing where to get help is even more important. Eventually, as the years go by, your job will be limited to just showing curiosity about your child’s homework situation on a daily basis. Not bad, huh? But this is not all. Let’s move on.
3. Refrain from correcting
Unless your child specifically asks you to correct their work, try to avoid doing it altogether. Telling the child what they did wrong is only going to make them feel bad about themselves and stupid. Instead, leave it to the teacher. For the first, the teacher is an authority figure, and the child understands that it is her/his role to evaluate and correct schoolwork. Second, the teacher should know how the child is performing in order to be able to correct them and help them advance their knowledge. But most importantly, children look to us for acceptance and support. Their very self-worth is put on the line when we evaluate or criticize their work. The quality of a child’s work is never a metric of the child’s worth as a human being, and yet, paradoxically, children often make this false assumption. We never want our child to feel bad about themselves in the context of homework. In fact, we never want our child to feel bad about themselves at all! Feeling bad doesn’t motivate someone to do better. We cannot build on weakness, only on strength!
4. Do a final check, or don't
So far, so good. Now, once you have allowed enough time for your child to complete their work, at the end, if it makes you more comfortable to check that homework is completed, go ahead and do so. However, it is not necessary or even, in some cases, desirable. Some children might want to proudly show their parent that they completed their work; some might not bother. Some might be annoyed when the parent insists on checking. The key here is to maintain an attitude of sharing the child’s enthusiasm for having finished, and never as an attempt to control. You don’t want your child to always strive to complete their work because they will be checked in the end. Rather, you want them to do it in order to feel good and accomplished themselves. So, do a final check, or don’t, according to how your child reacts when you do.
5. Praise the effort
One of the best ways to encourage a child to do anything at all is praising good behavior. Acknowledging what the child did well and showing your admiration for it will always make the child want to do more of it. So, make an effort to point out any big or small win around homework. Try not to generalize while praising or to overdo it with comments such as, ‘You are amazing!’ or ‘You are a star!’ Rather, praise the effort: ‘Wow, you really worked hard on this,’ ‘How nice that you enjoy learning!,’ ‘You should be very proud of yourself.’
6. Deal with frustration and disappointment
There will come a time when your child doesn’t manage a task and gets frustrated! Tolerating frustration is a precious ability, not only for childhood, but for life in general. Imagine being able to face any obstacle in life with courage and with faith that you will manage to get to the other side of the tunnel. This is what a child learns when you stand by them with empathy and understanding at the times when they run into a seemingly unsurpassable challenge with homework. In fact, this feeling of frustration is the road from ignorance to knowledge. And it doesn’t feel good, to any of us. But just think of the joy and triumph when you have managed to overcome the pain and finally master a very difficult challenge you thought was impossible to tackle! Repeated experience of tolerating the pain and reaching mastery is what will encourage a child to work on more and more challenging tasks as they grow. That is why it is important for the child to know that it was their own resources, their own thought patterns and abilities, that made them master the task.
So, how do you help your child accumulate repeated experience of doing this? As mentioned earlier, by standing by them and helping them tolerate the negative feelings. Some words of encouragement may also come in handy, for example: ‘Sweetheart, this is hard. What you are trying to do is really difficult. No one was able to master it the first time. Anyone would struggle where you are at.’ Or, ‘You know what? You’ve got this. I am sure that you will find a way to tackle it.’
Reminding them of earlier wins is also useful. For example: ‘Remember that time when you couldn’t do this or that? Then you did it 10 times and suddenly it became easy for you! I am sure you will manage to do the same with this task now. It’s a question of practice!’
Just remember, the phrase ‘you can do better than this’ is never encouragement. It just implies that what the child is doing now is not good enough. So, just stay with your child’s feelings, empathize, and help them believe in themselves because you believe in them.
Staying with your child’s feelings and offering words of encouragement is all you need to do. When children feel heard and understood, they find the courage to face any challenge they are faced with! And the good news is that humans are intrinsically driven to take on bigger and bigger challenges as they accomplish tasks. Children are masters at that!
9. Be in touch with the teacher
So far, so good. Let’s say that your child has developed the habit of homework and that all you do when they come home from school is show an interest in their homework situation for the next day. And maybe, you encourage your child from time to time to overcome obstacles. Now, the ball is in the teacher’s court. The teacher should have a clear idea of how your child is performing at school. Frequent communication with the teacher will ensure that this knowledge reaches you too. In case the teacher identifies a special struggle that your child is having, knowing what that is can help you help your child find ways to overcome it. Have a conversation with your child about the specific challenge and what they think of it, and ask them what they think would help them overcome it. If necessary, talk to the teacher about how he or she can encourage your child in class.
10. Do not compare with siblings or with other students
This point is pretty straightforward to most parents. Yet, many of us fall into this trap and may occasionally compare our child to others in order to motivate her to do the same. Comparing a child to their sibling can only bring discouragement and increase sibling competition. Comments such as, ‘Why can’t you just finish your homework like your sister does?’ are obviously not encouraging to a child. The same goes for comments about classmates or other friends. Anything that makes a child feel bad about herself, such as implying that she is not trying or not disciplined enough, is sheer criticism and will not motivate her to try harder. It will only bring resistance and resentment.
Other areas of concern
That’s it! Ten simple things, and you have set up your child for success! But let’s also look at some burning issues that parents are frequently concerned about.
1. Private tutors
Private tutors can be very effective in passing knowledge to a child, but they should in no way replace the role of school. A child who knows that their private tutor will explain things to them in their private lesson at home is less likely to pay attention in class. But most importantly, the biggest problem with private lessons is that they are often discouraging to a child. The child might learn the material, but how do they feel? How would you feel as a child if you knew that other classmates are performing well at school without the help of a private tutor? You might conclude that, obviously, you are not capable enough to do the work and succeed on your own, right? Or, if you do perform, you might attribute the success to the help you are getting at home from your tutor instead of attributing it to your own capabilities. This, unfortunately, contradicts the whole idea of an internal incentive that a child needs in order to be able to take on and succeed at an unpleasant task such as homework.
Of course, as in most things in life, there are exceptions. A private tutor might be godsent when a child needs to cover gaps that they may have from a possible extended absence from school, or to cover gaps in some especially challenging material, usually in the higher grades. But even then, it would be best to provide a private tutor only for a limited amount of time and not as a constant, ongoing support.
Remember, self-discipline and the joy that comes from managing more and more complex tasks, enjoying the process of learning and acquiring mastery, is what will help your child work independently for their entire school life, and possibly aim high when the time comes for them to choose a course in their studies and career path.
2. A note on learning disabilities
Learning disabilities are quite common and come in a range of forms. A learning disability is not always easy to identify. Watch to see whether your child is struggling with a specific thing that they are working on and whether this struggle persists. If this is the case, it is advisable to dig deeper and investigate, because a child with learning disabilities might need extra support or a different kind of approach to master a certain skill or task. Consult a developmentalist, a child psychiatrist, or another type of professional who can help you identify the problem and map out a plan for your child. Having a learning disability doesn’t mean that your child has less of a chance to learn and grow and eventually find their desired path in life!
Related: Recognizing learning disabilities
From homework to happiness in life
Remember where we started? We made an assumption. All parents want our children to be happy, right?
It is now a few months into your effort to put all the above into practice. You have helped your child develop the habit of homework. You have helped them overcome obstacles or know where to find help. You have helped them with the difficult feelings of frustration when they struggle, and you have spoken with words of encouragement to help them find the strength to continue. Your child works independently and feels proud of their performance at school. She truly cares about being prepared for the next day and doesn’t leave work unfinished without a serious reason. The teacher speaks with words of praise about your child. How amazing!
Is your work done now?
What if your child doesn’t always bring A’s? What if one of your children performs better than the other? What if they do well in some subjects and not in others?
Well.
Should they?
The answer is no. We don’t do all the above in order to have straight-A students. What we are interested in, and all we can hope for, in fact, is to help each child reach their potential when it comes to grades. No two siblings will often be performing exactly the same. And that’s okay.
Remember, it’s not grades that you are striving for here. If a child is given the responsibility of their work and is encouraged to do their best at it, then they will have developed the qualities that we are after and want children to acquire through the years: self-discipline, problem-solving, asking for help, organizational skills, delayed gratification, frustration tolerance, self-esteem, belief in their own abilities, mastery, and a love of learning. These are the qualities that will be most useful to them, not only in the pursuit of a meaningful career, but for life in general!
And there is another reason. If a child decides to aim for a top-tier university, will you be there to study and take the exams in place of your child? No, right? The goal, as well as the hard work, has to be the child’s. And a child needs to have a strong internal incentive in order to achieve that.
Let alone the fact that any university doesn’t guarantee your child’s happiness. Research shows that the choice of university is not correlated with happiness levels later in life.
It is more likely that a child who has been able to identify their interests, who has discovered their talents and inclinations growing up, and who knows what areas of study or activity make them happy, will follow their passions with dedication and certainty, and will find their way to a meaningful career and a happy, fulfilled life.
Good luck!
Read more from Eleni Karacostas
Eleni Karacostas, Entrepreneur, Parenting Coach, and Educator
Eleni Karacostas is an Entrepreneur, a Certified Peaceful Parenting Coach, and a mother of two. Her experience with parenting made her realize that best practices for raising children based on the latest brain research, were very little known to most parents around the globe. Having experienced the tremendous difference that these practices made in her family, she set out to contribute, together with other like-minded professionals, in passing the message across to as many families as possible. She founded Parenting. Today, an online parent coaching platform that makes it easy for parents to get all the information and tools they need to raise self-confident, emotionally intelligent children, tailored to their individual, unique family.
