Written by Davian Bryan, Self-Confidence Coach Davian Bryan is the author of Vulnerable Soul (published in 2025). Through Storytelling Power, he helps brands strengthen their storytelling with creative communication. As a self-confidence coach at Dare Your Lifestyle, he empowers introverts to embrace their God-given confidence. Is being introverted a bad thing? No. Introversion is a normal personality trait, not a flaw that needs fixing. The important question is whether your choices come from genuine preference or fear. You can love quiet, enjoy solitude, prefer smaller groups, and still work on confidence, communication, and courage when needed. For years, I heard the same things. You are too quiet. You need to socialize more. You need to put yourself out there. After hearing it enough times, I started wondering if everyone else had received instructions on how to be a person and mine somehow got lost. So I tried to change. I worried about how quiet I seemed. I questioned why I enjoyed my own company. At work and socially, I sometimes felt that being noticed meant talking more, smiling more, and always being “on.” But constantly performing a personality that does not feel like yours gets exhausting. Eventually, I stopped asking, “How do I become less introverted?” I started asking, “What actually needs changing?” That question helped me much more. Is being introverted a bad thing according to psychology? No. Psychology generally treats introversion and extraversion as parts of a personality spectrum rather than two rigid boxes. An Oxford Academic overview of introversion and extraversion explains introversion and extraversion as personality dimensions within major personality models. In everyday language, some people naturally lean toward more social stimulation, outward enthusiasm or frequent interaction. Others may prefer quieter environments, smaller groups and more time to think. Neither automatically tells us whether someone is confident, intelligent, friendly or capable. You can be quiet at work and still lead, prefer your own company and still love people, dislike crowded events and still be socially confident. Your personality is part of you. It is not a verdict on you. Why introversion can feel like a problem Sometimes the real issue is not introversion. It is pressure. Outgoing behaviour is often easier to notice. The person who speaks first in the meeting gets heard first. The person working the room may appear more confident than the person thinking carefully before speaking. Over time, quieter people can start wondering if they are doing something wrong. Research published in the Journal of Happiness Studies examined 349 adults and found that many participants viewed extraverted qualities as more socially desirable. The study also found that wanting to be more extraverted was linked with lower feelings of authenticity and well-being among more introverted people. You can read the study on introversion and authenticity. That finding makes sense to me. There is a difference between learning a skill and spending years trying to become someone else. Being quiet is not the same as being afraid This is the distinction I wish I had understood earlier. Ask yourself, "Do I genuinely not want to do this, or do I want to do it but feel afraid?" Those situations can look exactly the same from the outside. You stay home either way. But the reason matters. Preference: You turn down an invitation because you genuinely want a quiet evening. You make tea, get comfortable, and feel good about your choice. Fear: You really want to go, but you start thinking: What if nobody talks to me? What if I sound awkward? What if people judge me? So you cancel and spend the evening wishing you had gone. That is different. The American Psychological Association's discussion of shyness and introversion explains that introversion is not the same as fear-based social withdrawal. You can also be introverted without having social anxiety. The National Institute of Mental Health explains that social anxiety disorder involves strong fear of being watched, judged, or rejected, often enough to interfere with daily life. That is more than simply enjoying quiet. A quick check-in Ask yourself Preference Fear Why am I saying no? I genuinely do not want to go I want to go but fear judgement How do I feel afterward? Peaceful Disappointed or frustrated Does it limit my life? Usually not Sometimes Who is making the choice? Me Fear This is not a diagnosis. It is simply a useful way to notice what may be driving your choices. Stop turning introversion into a superpower The internet sometimes overcorrects. Suddenly, introverts are described as automatically smarter, deeper, more creative, wiser, and better listeners. We do not need that either. You should not have to prove that your personality gives you special powers before you are allowed to accept yourself. Maybe you are an excellent listener. Maybe sometimes your mind wanders halfway through a conversation because you remembered you forgot to buy bread. You are human. Acceptance means learning what is true about you, not swapping one stereotype for a more flattering one. How I learned to embrace being introverted Once I stopped treating my quieter nature like evidence that something was wrong with me, I noticed what I actually liked. I like my own company. I like having space to think. I like not filling every silence. I like smaller conversations that actually go somewhere. Embracing introversion can mean: leaving space between social plans choosing smaller gatherings enjoying alone time without guilt speaking when you genuinely have something to add building relationships where you do not have to perform saying no without writing an apology essay afterward But self-acceptance does not mean letting fear control your life. You can still learn to speak up. You can still attend the event. You can still introduce yourself. You can still build confidence. The goal is not to become louder. The goal is to become more honest about what you prefer, what you fear, and what kind of life you actually want. Your introversion does not need an apology So, is being introverted a bad thing? No. Keep the quiet parts that genuinely belong to you. Challenge the fear that keeps shrinking your life. Learn the skills that help you grow. Stop judging your confidence by how much noise you make. You do not have to become an extrovert to become stronger, more confident, or more visible. You do not need to become louder to become more of yourself. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Davian Bryan Davian Bryan, Self-Confidence Coach Davian Bryan is a freelance creative specializing in brand storytelling and communication strategy, and the author of Vulnerable Soul (2025). After overcoming insecurity and rebuilding his confidence through faith and discipline, he now helps introverts embrace their God-given confidence through Dare Your Lifestyle. He operates Storytelling Power, where he supports brands with strategic content creation and communication systems. His mission: Build clarity. Build confidence. Build something that lasts.

Written by Rosanna Ho, Clinical Hypnotherapist and RTT® Practitioner Rosanna Ho is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, RTT® Practitioner, and cultural identity expert who helps global top performers and Third Culture Individuals (TCIs) find their way “Home.” With nearly a decade of counselling experience, she bridges psychology and subconscious healing to help professionals trade chronic stress for Peaceful Productivity. If you have travelled extensively, lived abroad, or seamlessly navigate multiple cultural environments, you have likely asked yourself this exact question. It is a question I face regularly in my private clinical practice from clients who feel like perpetual outsiders, disconnected from their roots and searching for an elusive sense of belonging. “Is it weird that I feel like a stranger in my own home?” On the outside, they may appear polished, highly adaptable, and cosmopolitan. Internally, though, they often describe themselves as fragmented and, at their most painful, deeply isolated from those around them. At this point in our work together, I introduce them to the concept of the "Third Culture" and gently explore whether they have been living in this liminal space. The term Third Culture Kid (TCK) was first coined in 1952 by American sociologist Ruth Hill Useem while living abroad in India. It describes the unique lifestyle created, learned, and shared by individuals relating aspects of different societies to one another. Third Culture Kids grow up in countries different from the ones on their passports. With the rise in globalization and intercultural fluency, more and more adults are choosing to live abroad and stay abroad for an extended period of time, even if, and sometimes especially if, they never lived in another country as a child. As such, a growing number of people, myself included, are self-identifying as Third Culture Adults (TCA). Together, this global demographic forms Third Culture Individuals (TCIs). Why does feeling at home everywhere leave you belonging nowhere? To the outside world, you may represent the ultimate model of cultural adaptability. You transition between multilingual rooms, international business meetings, and cross-cultural social circles effortlessly. From corporate expats and diplomats to international school alumni, TCIs carry a rare and valuable skill set–global fluency. Yet, there is a subtle price to pay for perpetual adaptation. Moreover, you may not even realize you are missing it because you may have never fully experienced it before you chose, or were made, to adapt to an ever-changing environment. This feeling may be elusive. You may experience it in pockets where you feel fully present, joyous, and at peace. It’s at the tip of your tongue, but until you’ve fully felt it, it may be hard to conceptualize. In essence, you have spent a lifetime trying to fit in. But fitting in is the exact opposite of true belonging. Oftentimes, true belonging and feeling at home are exactly what we are looking for. Are you shape-shifting just to feel safe? “I’m American when I am in the U.S., and I am Chinese when I’m in China.” – Eileen Gu, Olympic Athlete This single statement captures the essence of the Third Culture experience. It makes complete sense and resonates with those of us who have had to navigate, adapt, and become different to, ironically, belong. We’ve learned to exchange pleasantries, navigate political minefields, and even interpret the same sentence with completely different meanings based on the cultural context. This is because growing up or adapting to new cultures, countries, and continents requires that we become more, less, and someone different from who we know ourselves to be. I like to think of Third Culture Individuals like chameleons who can change colour based on the environment they presently find themselves in. This is not limited to different countries, either. Rather, this adaptation to survive can even happen multiple times in one day. Chameleons excel at survival, but they rarely feel truly seen. When your environment shifts constantly, your subconscious mind learns to read the room before you read yourself. You adapt to survive, becoming "blue" at home, "green" in the workplace, and "red" socially. It’s no wonder an identity crisis eventually flares up. This chameleon ability is undoubtedly an executive superpower. TCIs are empathetic, open-minded, and culturally agile. Crucially, this asset carries an invisible burden. When you are constantly shape-shifting to blend into your environment, you sacrifice what you desire most–being genuinely seen and anchored within yourself. We may excel at fitting in, but at the cost of truly being seen. Why do old issues follow you across borders? “I thought leaving my home country was the solution,” a client shared during a moment of clinical awakening. “I now realize the rootlessness was living inside of me.” Many global professionals experience similar epiphanies. Driven by a desire for novelty, they move abroad to build an exciting life among international networks. At first, the thrill of a global lifestyle offers a temporary high. Moreover, the building of a new life with other global nomads and expats gives them something they may never have felt elsewhere–a sense of belonging. Yet, geographical relocation cannot cure subconscious programming. The issues that plagued them before don’t care about customs, security, and visas. These issues cross all borders to meet my clients exactly where they are. This unresolved identity friction inevitably crosses international borders. It manifests as high-functioning anxiety, self-sabotage, or chronic overworking to prove one's worth, a subconscious coping mechanism that completely derails their potential for Peaceful Productivity. Sometimes, these global citizens think returning home is the answer. However, they get bombarded with another issue that is only now receiving more recognition and awareness: reverse culture shock. This is what happens when you become accustomed to your new cultural environment, making it difficult to return to your home country. They feel alienated by old social norms, long for their international lifestyle, and realize their original home no longer feels like home. Moreover, returning home may bring another sense of homesickness, as you begin to miss your new culture and country just as much, and perhaps even more, than your home country. Finally, what may hurt most in your home country is not having a Third Culture community you can return to where you felt something you always felt you had been missing in your home country: a true sense of belonging. How do you build an internal home that crosses borders? True belonging begins within when you stop seeking validation in the external world. Logical deduction leads many to believe that belonging requires acceptance from an "in crowd." After all, we can only belong with a certain group if those people accept us, right? Consequently, we may adjust our wardrobe, career paths, and behaviours to fit in. However, Third Culture Individuals know best, through enough experience and moving from one place to another, that a solid, foundational sense of belonging cannot be found by relying solely on the external world. True home is not a physical location or a passport category. It is an internal sense of Self. Reclaiming your sense of Self requires exploring your Inner World rather than constantly scanning your outer environment. When you discover who you truly are at your core, you cultivate a grounded belonging that crosses customs, borders, and cultures. Who are you? How can you truly feel at home with yourself if you don’t even know who you are? This may be a big question to answer, especially if you were never given the tools, the opportunity, or the time to contemplate and consider your sense of identity. The key, though, comes down to the term “sense.” In essence, we have our senses of sight, touch, smell, hearing, and feeling. Who we are, though, is also a sense, hence, “sense of self.” When we play and explore, we discover and sense many things, from what we like and do not like, to what we are good at and what we are bad at, and who we are and who we would like to become. These core realizations help us discover our sense of self. The good thing is that many Third Culture Individuals have a wealth of experiences within and between cultures alongside a plethora of exploration between countries. As such, rather than using these experiences and their ability to explore the outside world, I often guide my clients to explore and experience their Inner World. The values alignment exercise: A diagnostic entry point “Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave 'em all over everything you do.” – Elvis Presley To begin exploring your inner landscape, use this foundational exercise to identify where your conscious choices may be misaligned with your core truth. Step 1: Select your core values. Identify a list of core values, e.g., Freedom, Peace, Fulfillment. Narrow your selection down to your top 10. I’ve attached a list below for your reference. Step 2: Define personal resonance. Complete the sentence for each value. “[Value] is important to me because..." Step 3: Rank your hierarchy. Order your values from 1, most critical, to 10. Step 4: Audit your alignment. Reflect on moments when your actions directly aligned with these values. How did your body and mind feel? Step 5: Identify subconscious friction. Reflect on times you suppressed your values to "fit in" or avoid conflict. Notice the emotional or physical toll that friction created. Step 6: Design an aligned lifestyle. Identify micro changes, from personal boundaries to career choices, that bring your daily life back into harmony with your top values. Reclaiming wholeness at the root While conscious reflection tools like the Values Exercise offer powerful clarity, surface-level awareness is only the first step. When identity fragmentation and hypervigilance are deeply rooted in the subconscious ledger, logic alone cannot undo years of habitual shape-shifting. Real transformation occurs when you align your subconscious programming with your conscious identity. Through targeted clinical approaches like Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT®), we access the deep subconscious scripts formed during early transitions, dissolve underlying hypervigilance, and help you step out of survival mode. You do not need to choose between adapting to the world and being true to yourself. You can drop the masks, cultivate deep internal alignment, and finally feel completely at home within your own skin. If you are a global professional ready to find a sense of home and belonging within yourself, then I invite you to contact me for a Transformation Alignment Call. Follow me on Instagram and LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Rosanna Ho Rosanna Ho, Clinical Hypnotherapist and RTT® Practitioner Rosanna is a dedicated guide for global citizens and high-performers navigating the complexities of identity, belonging, and mental load. Combining her background in Clinical Hypnotherapy, Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT®), and Third Culture identity, she helps clients bridge the gap between external success and internal fulfillment. After overcoming two decades of chronic eczema using RTT®, Rosanna now empowers others to resolve their physical and mental manifestations of stress—such as insomnia, burnout, and weight management. Her mission is to help overachievers return to their authentic selves and lead lives of “Peaceful Productivity” rooted in the core tenets of freedom, fulfillment, and peace of mind.

For Jaideep “JD” Mangat, writing a children’s book was not something he had always planned to do. It was a new challenge that grew naturally out of his experiences as a teacher, public servant, and lifelong learner. Conversations from his experience made him realize how often people avoid doing things alone even if they logically know there is value and power in doing so. Mangat spent his entire early education in Boulder Valley School District. Growing up in Lafayette, he volunteered in the community, played basketball, and explored the area’s nature trails and parks. That connection to his community helped shape the way he thinks about showing up for others and contributing to the places he calls home. After graduating from Centaurus High School in 2013, Mangat attended the University of Colorado Boulder, where he earned a bachelor’s degree in Business Management with an emphasis in Operations and Information Management in 2017. He was a Daniels Fund Scholar and Leeds Scholar. He also participated in the Diverse Scholars Program and Leeds Student Council. In 2022, he completed a Master of Arts in Curriculum and Instruction from the University of Colorado, Denver. Since 2019, Mangat has worked as a teacher and public servant. In the classroom, he particularly enjoys helping students understand the world and history around them and how that history has helped shape the present. Teaching has given him an appreciation for the importance of making ideas accessible, relatable, and engaging. This approach would eventually influence his first experience as an author. An idea takes shape The idea for Mangat’s first children’s book began with a simple observation. In conversations with friends and acquaintances, he noticed how often people expressed hesitation about doing things alone. Going to a restaurant by yourself. Seeing a movie without company. Traveling solo. While these activities were sometimes viewed as uncomfortable or isolating, Mangat began to see another possibility: doing things alone could also be an opportunity for independence, confidence, and enjoyment. That idea became the foundation for Tabansi: The Tiger and the Joy of One, published in May 2026. The book follows Tabansi, a spirited tiger whose name means “one who endures,” as he navigates the experience of doing things on his own. Through Tabansi’s story, Mangat hopes to encourage children (and the adults who read with them) to see time spent alone not as something to fear, but as an opportunity to discover new experiences and become more comfortable in their own company. For Mangat, however, writing the book became its own lesson in stepping outside his comfort zone. He had never written a children’s book before, and there was no established process he could simply follow. Instead, he had to figure it out as he went. Learning how to write a book Mangat approached the project much like he approaches other unfamiliar challenges: start by understanding the problem, break it into manageable pieces, and learn along the way. “When I face challenges, I stay focused on making sure I understand the problem and the root causes before jumping to solutions,” he explained. “That way I can better ensure the solutions solve the real problem.” That mindset proved useful when he began turning an idea into an actual book. Rather than trying to solve everything at once, Mangat focused on the individual pieces of the process. What should the story communicate? Who was the audience? How could the message be made meaningful for children? How should the characters and story develop? Each question became another step toward the finished product. He also sought feedback along the way and treated setbacks as opportunities to learn. In many ways, creating the book became an extension of the message behind it: meaningful accomplishments do not necessarily happen all at once. They develop through small, deliberate steps. That philosophy is central to the way Mangat approaches goals more broadly. “I generally believe in quality over quantity,” he said. “It is important to focus on one goal at a time to maintain focus. From there I try to break down a large task or goal into smaller pieces and work a little each day as opposed to trying to do everything at once.” Writing his first book gave him an opportunity to put that philosophy into practice and, as a result, what began as an idea from everyday conversations eventually became a completed book. A broader approach to growth Mangat also believes that overall growth comes from being willing to explore different interests rather than concentrating on just one area. “Like a good financial portfolio, I try to diversify where I invest my time so I can keep expanding my world view and learning,” he said. “Being able to learn different topics at one time was one of the reasons why I liked school so I try to apply the same thinking to my personal growth and career.” That mindset speaks to the variety of experiences that have shaped his path. He started off studying business, then moved to teaching and public service, and now writing. Rather than seeing these interests as disconnected, Mangat views them as different ways of learning and contributing. When asked what qualities matter most for success, he points to three: drive, competence, and curiosity. All three, he believes, can be developed over time through motivation and dedication. His definition of success is similarly personal. “Success is personal and only you can decide if you have achieved it or not,” Mangat said. “If you feel you have met your growth goals, that's an accomplishment, and the next step is to define what's next.” For him, success is not simply measured by finances or professional accomplishments. It also means developing a strong relationship with yourself, building community, and leaving places better than you found them. Making room for what comes next For Mangat, writing Tabansi The Tiger and the Joy of One was less about adding another accomplishment to his resume and more about giving himself permission to pursue an idea that interested him. He entered unfamiliar territory, learned as he went, and discovered a new way to communicate a message he cared about. That willingness to explore is reflected in the different parts of his life. His work in education, public service, community involvement, and now writing may seem like distinct pursuits, but Mangat sees value in each one. They give him different opportunities to learn, connect with people, and better understand the world around him. Outside of work and writing, he spends his time playing basketball, bicycling on trails, watching movies, volunteering, and spending time with family and friends. He continues to look for ways to stay curious and make room for new interests.

The most useful way to understand Ned Curic's work is not to run through every stop in his career. It is to look at the problems that occupy product and technology leaders when ideas have to work at global scale. Curic is responsible for Product Development & Technology and is a member of the Stellantis Leadership Team. His work sits across areas that increasingly depend on one another. Software, hardware, artificial intelligence, engineering and product development cannot operate as separate systems when the final result must function as one product. Here, the focus is on five issues shaping that work: systems architecture, industrialising innovation, AI-enabled engineering, accountability, and global product development. On systems architecture What does systems architecture mean in practical terms? For Curic, architecture can be understood as the collection of early decisions that determine how different parts of a product will work together. That includes where boundaries sit between systems, how those systems communicate, and which interfaces allow them to connect. These choices can be difficult and expensive to change later. Architecture is therefore less about producing a diagram and more about establishing a structure that can support years of development. Why has architecture become more important? Modern products bring together systems developed by different teams, often on different schedules and with different technical requirements. The challenge is making those pieces function together reliably. A strong component cannot compensate for weak integration across the larger system. Architecture provides the foundation for managing that complexity before problems become harder to correct. On industrialising innovation What does "industrialising innovation" involve? There is a major difference between proving that an idea works and proving that it can become a reliable product. A prototype may demonstrate technical potential. Production introduces another set of questions. The technology must be tested, validated, manufactured and supported. Quality has to remain consistent as volume increases. For Curic, this is where much of the difficult engineering work begins. Innovation has to survive the move from controlled conditions into real-world use. Is that mainly an engineering challenge? It crosses both engineering and organisational boundaries. Technical teams need to understand what changes when a solution moves to scale. Organisations also need clear responsibility for the final outcome. If work is divided into isolated stages without end-to-end ownership, problems can move between teams instead of being solved. On AI-enabled engineering How is AI changing engineering itself? One of AI's important applications is inside the development process. AI-enabled tools can support areas such as simulation, code analysis, data review and pattern detection. This can allow engineers to test more possibilities and identify issues earlier. The important distinction is between accelerating engineering work and replacing engineering judgement. Faster tools can increase the number of options a team can examine, but engineers still have to understand constraints, evaluate trade-offs and make decisions. What new risks come with that speed? Accountability becomes particularly important. A recommendation produced by an AI system does not remove responsibility for the resulting engineering decision. Teams still need processes for validating outputs and people who understand why a decision was made. Speed has value when it strengthens the development process. Speed without clear ownership can simply allow mistakes to travel faster. On end-to-end accountability Why is end-to-end accountability important in large organisations? Scale creates specialisation. That is necessary, but it can also create gaps between teams. A problem can cross several technical areas without belonging completely to any single one. Each group may have completed its individual responsibility while the overall product still has an unresolved issue. End-to-end accountability addresses that gap. It means evaluating success at the product level rather than only at the level of individual functions. For the customer, organisational boundaries are largely irrelevant. The product either works as expected or it does not. On global product development What changes when products are developed for global markets? Global development introduces another layer of systems complexity. Regulations, suppliers, infrastructure and customer expectations can differ across regions. A product platform therefore needs enough consistency to operate efficiently at scale while allowing necessary changes for individual markets. The engineering challenge is deciding what should remain common and where flexibility should exist. Too much variation creates unnecessary complexity. Too little can make a product unsuitable for local requirements. Platform architecture becomes a way to manage that tension rather than repeatedly starting from zero. Connecting the pieces Systems architecture, AI-enabled engineering, industrialisation and accountability may sound like separate topics. In practice, they are closely connected. Architecture determines how components interact. New tools can accelerate development. Industrialisation determines whether an idea can operate reliably at scale. Accountability makes sure someone remains responsible for the complete result. That combination provides a more useful picture of Curic's current work than another chronological career summary. Curic studied Informatics and Computer Science and received a Master of Business Administration from Pepperdine University's George L. Graziadio School of Business and Management in 2012. His current responsibility for Product Development & Technology as a member of the Stellantis Leadership Team places the emphasis where his external positioning is strongest: not simply on generating new technology, but on integrating complex technologies into products that can be engineered, validated, and delivered at global scale.

Written by Shelly O'Connell, Flirting Coach for Women Shelly O’Connell is redefining flirting by challenging outdated assumptions with fun, insightful perspectives. She is a Flirting Coach for Women and the author of the book, Finding Your Flirt. There is a moment many women know but rarely talk about. It happens when you catch yourself in the mirror and realize you don't quite recognize the woman looking back at you. Somewhere between careers, relationships, responsibilities, expectations, and simply getting through life, the playful, vibrant part of you seems to have gone quiet. You may still be successful. You may still be accomplished. You may still show up for everyone around you. But perhaps you miss her. The woman who laughed more freely. The woman who felt attractive without needing someone else to confirm it. The woman who could walk into a room and feel curious about what might happen next. Finding Your Flirt was born from the belief that she isn't gone. She's waiting to be rediscovered. Flirting is about more than dating When most people hear the word flirting, they immediately think about dating, attraction, or trying to get someone's attention. But flirting can be so much more. At its heart, flirting is about energy. It's about being present enough to notice what and who sparks your interest. It's about allowing curiosity, playfulness, warmth, and confidence to move through you. Flirting can happen in a conversation with a stranger, across a dinner table, while traveling, at work, or simply when you're enjoying your own life. Perhaps most importantly, flirting can be an invitation to reconnect with yourself. That's what makes Finding Your Flirt different from another book about finding a partner. It isn't about teaching women how to perform for someone else. It's about helping women remember who they are when they stop performing altogether. The woman you were before you started playing small Many women have spent years learning how to be acceptable. You may recognize some of the following made-up rules regarding women and their behavior: Be nice. Don't be too forward. Don't take up too much space. Don't appear too interested. Don't make the first move. Don't be too sexual. Don't be too confident. Don't risk rejection. These rules may look different from woman to woman, but the result can be remarkably similar: we learn to monitor ourselves rather than experience ourselves. Over time, that self-monitoring can disconnect us from our natural confidence and spontaneity. We begin asking: Am I attractive enough? Am I too much? What will they think? Did I say the right thing? Do they like me? But what if we asked a different question? Do I like how I feel when I'm around this person? That is where the shift begins. Instead of making someone else's attention the measure of your worth, you become an active participant in your own experience. You stop auditioning. You start choosing. Finding Your Flirt is a permission slip One of the most powerful ideas behind Finding Your Flirt is that women don't necessarily need another set of rules. They need permission. Permission to be playful. Permission to express interest. Permission to enjoy attention without making it mean something. Permission to flirt without promising anything. Permission to feel desirable without needing to be desired by a particular person. Permission to change their minds. Permission to take up space. Permission to have fun again. Flirting isn't superficial when it comes from a place of authenticity. It can be an expression of curiosity, confidence, connection, and aliveness. When a woman gives herself permission to explore that energy, something begins to change. She becomes more present. More expressive. More connected to her body. More willing to take a risk. More comfortable being seen. And that confidence doesn't stay confined to dating. It begins to influence everything. From self-doubt to self-assurance Confidence isn't something you either have or don't have. It's something you cultivate. Every time you make eye contact instead of looking away, you practice confidence. Every time you express what you want instead of waiting for someone to guess, you practice confidence. Every time you let yourself be playful without worrying about how you're being perceived, you practice confidence. And every time you survive the possibility of rejection without making it mean something negative about your worth, you become more resilient. This is why flirting can be transformative. It's not because a clever line suddenly makes you irresistible. It's because practicing authentic expression teaches you that you can trust yourself. That is a very different kind of confidence. You don't have to be dating to find your flirt Perhaps the biggest misconception about flirting is that you need to be looking for a romantic partner to benefit from it. You don't. You can be single. You can be partnered. You can be divorced. You can be happily dating. Or you can have absolutely no interest in dating at all. Your flirt is still yours. Because your flirt isn't simply the woman who attracts someone else. Your flirt is the part of you that is awake to life. She notices beauty. She follows curiosity. She laughs. She plays. She takes chances. She expresses herself. She allows herself to feel. She remembers that life isn't only about productivity and responsibility. There is room for pleasure, connection, spontaneity, and joy. That is why rediscovering your flirt can become a much bigger journey than learning how to flirt with someone else. It can become a way of flirting with life itself. A modern approach to feminine energy For many women, the idea of feminine energy has become tangled in expectations about how a woman is supposed to behave. Be softer. Be more passive. Let him pursue you. Don't initiate. Don't be too direct. But feminine energy doesn't have to mean becoming smaller, quieter, or less powerful. It can mean becoming more connected to yourself. It can mean allowing yourself to receive while also knowing what you want. It can mean embracing sensuality without performing sexuality. It can mean being powerful without needing to prove your power. It can mean allowing your personality, warmth, humor, intelligence, and desire to be visible. Your femininity doesn't need to be a costume. It can be an authentic expression of you. The spark you've been missing may be your own Sometimes women believe the missing spark in their lives is a person. They think they need to meet the right partner to feel excited again. But what if the spark isn't something someone else gives you? What if it's something you rediscover within yourself? When you reconnect with your own energy, dating begins to change. You may become less interested in chasing validation and more interested in genuine connection. You may stop asking whether someone finds you desirable and start noticing whether you feel alive around them. You may become more willing to initiate a conversation, make eye contact, laugh with a stranger, or simply allow yourself to enjoy being noticed. Suddenly, dating isn't a test you have to pass. It's an experience you get to participate in. Finding your flirt means finding yourself The journey isn't really about becoming more attractive. It's about becoming more you. It's about remembering the parts of yourself that became buried beneath expectations and responsibilities. It's about rediscovering your confidence, your playfulness, your curiosity, your sensuality, your voice, your ability to choose, your ability to connect, and your ability to enjoy your own life without waiting for someone else to make it exciting. Finding Your Flirt offers women a fresh perspective on what flirting can be: not a performance, not a manipulation, and not a strategy for getting someone to choose you. It is an invitation to choose yourself. Your flirt is waiting You don't need to become a different woman to become magnetic. You don't need the perfect body, the perfect outfit, the perfect dating profile, or the perfect opening line. You may simply need to reconnect with the woman who has been there all along. The one who wants to laugh. The one who wants to play. The one who wants to feel desirable. The one who wants to experience life instead of constantly managing it. The one who is ready to be seen not because she needs approval, but because she no longer wants to hide. That is the woman waiting inside Finding Your Flirt. Perhaps she's been waiting for you, too. "Your flirt is waiting. Go find her." If you're ready to rediscover your confidence, reignite your spark, and experience flirting as a joyful expression of who you already are, grab your copy of Finding Your Flirt and begin your journey today. Available here. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Shelly O'Connell Shelly O'Connell, Flirting Coach for Women Shelly O’Connell is a dynamic innovator offering a fresh perspective on what flirting truly is at its heart: an authentic expression of confidence, connection, and joy. As a Flirting Coach for Women and the author of Finding Your Flirt, she blends insight, humor, and real-world experience to help women feel at ease expressing interest. Her work empowers women to enjoy dating again, create genuine connections, and attract high-quality partners without playing games. Through her writing and coaching, Shelly invites women to release limiting patriarchal rules and rediscover flirting as a natural, learnable, and enjoyable skill.

Written by Cristina Max, Founder of 110 Yoga & Creator of the 110 Method Cristina Max is the founder of 110 Yoga and creator of the 110 Method, a movement re-education approach challenging the outdated belief that stretching is the answer to tightness and pain. She teaches people to restore the relationship between their ribs and pelvis to address the root cause of movement dysfunction, not simply chase the symptoms. If you've been stretching for years but your tightness keeps coming back, your body may not need more stretching–it may need more stability. After years of stretching my own body, I began to question why the tension always returned and discovered a very different way of understanding tightness, movement, and what the body actually needs to feel free. Cristina Max is the founder of 110 Yoga, an alignment-based yoga studio and movement methodology that bridges traditional yoga with modern movement principles. After years of injuries and heavy reliance on stretching, Cristina began researching why tightness and pain kept returning. Her work now focuses on helping people understand the relationship between the ribcage and pelvis, alignment, stability, breathing mechanics, and mobility. Have you been stretching for years but still feel tight? If you've been stretching for years but your tightness keeps coming back, your body may not need more stretching. It may need more stability. For years, I thought tightness was something I needed to fix. I was a stretch addict. I stretched my hamstrings, hips, shoulders, and anything else that felt restricted. I believed that if something felt tight, the answer was obvious–make it longer. It seemed logical. If something feels tight, stretch it. But after years of stretching, I started noticing something I couldn't ignore. The tightness kept coming back. I could temporarily create more range of motion, but I wasn't actually changing why my body kept creating the tension in the first place. That realization forced me to question something I had accepted for years. What if tightness isn't the problem? More importantly, what if stretching is sometimes just a Band-Aid for what the body is actually asking for? In my work at 110 Yoga, I now approach movement from a different perspective. Instead of immediately stretching what feels tight, we investigate why the body is creating that tension in the first place. What causes chronic tightness? Tightness is often treated as simply a lack of flexibility. But the body is much more complicated than that. Many factors can influence a sensation of tightness, including how a joint is positioned, how the body creates stability, how we breathe, how we move, and how different areas of the body compensate for one another. Rather than viewing tightness as something that simply needs to be stretched, I started viewing it as information that needed research. What is the body trying to tell you? Is a joint lacking stability? Is one area compensating for another? Is your ribcage positioned in a way that makes it difficult for your pelvis and diaphragm to work efficiently? Are you asking a muscle to create stability because another part of your system isn't contributing enough? These questions can completely change the way we approach movement. Why does stretching sometimes only provide temporary relief? Stretching can absolutely change how a body feels in the moment. You may feel more open. You may temporarily have more range of motion. You may experience relief. But if the underlying reason your body is creating tension hasn't changed, the sensation may return. This is where I believe we often miss an important piece of the puzzle. If a muscle is working hard to create stability, simply telling that muscle to relax doesn't necessarily solve the problem. The body may be using tension for a reason. Instead of asking only, how can I make this muscle less tight? We can also ask, why does my body feel like it needs this tension? That question takes us somewhere much more useful. The body creates strategies One of the biggest shifts in my understanding came from recognizing that the body is incredibly intelligent. It doesn't randomly create tension. It creates strategies. If your body doesn't feel stable somewhere, it will often find another way to create stability. That can look like gripping. It can feel like tight hamstrings. It can show up as chronically tight hip flexors, shoulders that never seem to relax, or a low back that constantly feels like it is doing too much work. When we repeatedly stretch that area without addressing why it is working so hard, we may be asking the body to give up one of the strategies it is using to feel secure. The answer isn't always more range. Sometimes the answer is giving the body a better reason to let go. What does the body actually need instead? This is where my approach to yoga began to change. Rather than chasing more flexibility, I became much more interested in creating the conditions that allow the body to move with more freedom. For many people, that means looking at four key areas: Stability: Before asking the body for more mobility, we need to consider whether it feels stable enough to access the movement it already has. Stability gives the body something to organize around. When the joints are better supported, movement can become more controlled and efficient. Alignment: How the body is positioned matters. The relationship between the ribcage, pelvis, spine, and joints can influence how muscles are asked to work. This is why I pay so much attention to stacking and organization rather than simply trying to create more range. Breathing: Breathing isn't separate from movement. The ribcage and pelvis are constantly interacting with the diaphragm and the rest of the body. Learning how to breathe while maintaining organization can change how a person experiences a position. Instead of simply asking someone to “take a deeper breath,” I want them to understand how breathing can influence stability and movement. Ribcage-to-pelvis relationship mobility: without control, it isn't necessarily useful mobility. I want people to access movement and own it. That means learning how to control positions, maintain stability, and move through range without immediately relying on compensation. This is why my work at 110 Yoga emphasizes the ribcage-to-pelvis relationship, alignment, stability, breathing mechanics, and intelligent transitions rather than simply chasing deeper poses. How yoga can become a movement laboratory Yoga is where I get to put all of these concepts into action. The ideas aren't meant to live on a whiteboard. They're meant to be experienced. A student can understand the idea of stacking their ribs over their pelvis, but the real learning happens when they feel what changes when they actually do it. They can hear about diaphragmatic breathing, but the deeper understanding comes when they experience how breathing changes their ability to stabilize. They can be told not to grip their hamstrings, but the real question is, what do we need to change so the hamstrings no longer feel like they have to grip? That is what makes movement so powerful. The body gives us real-time feedback. Yoga becomes the laboratory where we can test the theory. Slow down. Change the position. Change the breath. Change the relationship between the joints. Then move. Notice what happens. What should you do when your body feels tight? The next time you feel tight, try resisting the urge to stretch it immediately. Instead, get curious. Ask yourself: What is this tightness doing for me? What is my body trying to stabilize? What happens when I change my position? What happens when I change my breath? What happens when I slow the movement down? The sensation is the starting point, not necessarily the diagnosis. That shift in perspective can change the entire way we approach movement. Stretching isn't the enemy I want to be clear. I'm not saying stretching is inherently bad. There are absolutely situations where stretching can be useful. The problem is when stretching becomes the automatic answer to every sensation of tightness. If we continually stretch the same area and the tightness keeps returning, that's an invitation to investigate. Maybe the body needs mobility. Maybe it needs strength. Maybe it needs better coordination. Maybe another part of the body needs to contribute more. Maybe breathing mechanics are influencing the position. Maybe the body simply doesn't feel stable enough to release the tension. Don't just ask how to stretch it. Ask why it's tight in the first place. That is a much more interesting question. The goal isn't to become more flexible For years, I thought the goal was to become more flexible. Now I see it differently. The goal is to become more capable. Capable of creating stability. Capable of controlling movement. Capable of breathing while moving. Capable of accessing mobility without constantly forcing it. Capable of taking what you learn on the mat and carrying it into everyday life. I stopped treating my body like a problem to solve. I started treating it like a system to understand. That changed not only how I move, but how I teach movement to others. Because sometimes the most useful thing we can do for the body isn't to force it to let go. It's to give it enough information, support, and stability that it no longer feels like it has to hold on. The goal isn't simply to become more flexible. The goal is to become more capable. When the body feels capable, freedom follows. Learn more about alignment-based yoga If you're interested in exploring this approach to movement, learn more about the 110 Method and alignment-based yoga at 110 Yoga. Follow me on Instagram and visit my website for more info! Read more from Cristina Max Cristina Max, Founder of 110 Yoga & Creator of the 110 Method Cristina Max is the founder of 110 Yoga and creator of the 110 Method, an alignment-based approach to movement re-education. After years of teaching and personally experiencing the cycle of stretching, injuries, and recurring tightness, Cristina began questioning the conventional approach to tightness and pain. Her work focuses on restoring the relationship between the ribs and the pelvis, building stability, and improving breathing mechanics rather than stretching tight areas. Through the 110 method, she helps people understand the root causes of tightness and pain rather than chasing symptoms. She wants to help change how people understand their bodies so they can perform better and feel their best.

Written by Niki Stannard, NLP Life Coach and Personal Trainer I write about healing, trauma recovery, fitness, nutrition, mental wellbeing, and personal growth. Combining professional expertise with lived experience, my goal is to share practical tools, evidence-based insights, and honest conversations that help people move forward and realise they are not alone. When people think about childhood sexual trauma, they often focus on the event itself. They think about what happened, when it happened and whether the abuse eventually stopped. What many people do not understand is that, for survivors, the trauma does not necessarily end when the abuse ends. In many ways, the real work begins afterwards. A child may survive the experience but then grow into an adult who is still trying to understand its impact. They may carry emotions, beliefs and survival responses that developed before they were old enough to name what was happening to them. Childhood sexual trauma can affect the way we see ourselves, experience relationships, trust other people and respond to the world around us. It can influence our confidence, boundaries, attachment, identity and ability to feel safe, even when there is no longer an immediate threat. As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, I spent years believing there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I did not understand why I struggled in certain situations, why I found it difficult to trust, why I felt constantly on guard, why I feared abandonment but sometimes pushed people away, or why I could be surrounded by people who loved me and still feel completely alone. I judged myself for reactions I did not understand. I saw them as evidence that I was difficult, damaged or somehow incapable of having healthy relationships. It was not until I began therapy and trauma work that I realised these were not character flaws. They were survival responses. They were responses developed by a child who had learned that the world was not always safe and that the people who should protect us sometimes do not. Understanding this did not erase the impact, but it changed the way I viewed myself. Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” I began asking, “What happened to me, and what did I have to learn to survive it?” That question became the beginning of self-compassion. The hidden impact of childhood sexual trauma Trauma affects far more than our memories. It can change the way our brains and bodies learn to navigate life. When something overwhelming happens during childhood, we may develop ways of coping that help us survive at the time but create difficulties later. Some children become quiet and withdrawn. Others become highly independent, determined never to need anybody. Some learn to please the people around them, believing that being agreeable will keep them safe. Others become angry, rebellious or emotionally detached. There is no single way a survivor looks or behaves. Some people remember everything. Others remember very little. Some appear visibly affected, while others become exceptionally good at functioning, achieving and hiding what they carry. Survival does not always look like falling apart. Sometimes it looks like perfectionism, people pleasing, overworking, constantly staying busy, avoiding intimacy, struggling to say no, or taking responsibility for everybody else. These behaviours can easily be praised or misunderstood. A survivor may be described as strong, mature or fiercely independent without anybody recognising that these qualities were partly developed through necessity. The same responses that once helped us survive can eventually prevent us from feeling fully alive. The weight of shame Many survivors grow up carrying an overwhelming sense of shame, not because they did anything wrong, but because children often internalise responsibility for experiences they cannot understand. A child may believe they caused what happened, should have stopped it or somehow allowed it. They may feel ashamed of their body, their reactions or the fact that they did not tell anybody. But children do not hold the responsibility for abuse. The responsibility always belongs to the person who caused the harm. Survivors may remain silent for years because they are frightened they will not be believed. They may fear being blamed, judged or treated differently. Sometimes they stay silent because speaking about the experience would also mean confronting how other adults failed to notice, protect or respond. Shame then becomes a silent companion. It can influence confidence, self-worth, relationships, career choices, boundaries and identity. It can create the belief that love must be earned, that our needs are burdensome or that people would leave if they knew the truth about us. Shame grows in secrecy. Healing often begins when it is met with safety, belief and compassion. Being able to say, “This happened to me, but it was not my fault,” can be one of the most difficult and powerful parts of recovery. Trust after betrayal Many survivors struggle with trust, not because they do not want to trust, but because trust was broken by someone who should have been safe, or because the people who should have protected them failed to do so. When betrayal happens during childhood, the nervous system may learn that closeness and danger can exist in the same place. As adults, this can look like constantly expecting people to leave, betray or hurt us. We may analyse changes in someone’s tone, notice the smallest shift in their energy or assume that silence means rejection. A delayed reply can feel like abandonment. A disagreement can feel like the end of a relationship. Uncertainty can feel like danger. This can create hypervigilance, where the mind and body continuously scan the environment for signs that something is wrong, even when no immediate danger exists. Hypervigilance can be exhausting for the survivor and confusing for the people around them. From the outside, a reaction may appear disproportionate to the current situation. Inside the survivor’s body, however, the response can feel completely real. The nervous system is not only reacting to what is happening now. It may also be responding to everything the current situation represents. Understanding this does not mean survivors should never take accountability for how their reactions affect other people. Healing includes learning to recognise triggers, communicate needs and develop healthier ways to respond. But compassion creates a far stronger foundation for change than shame ever will. Why survivors sometimes push people away One of the most misunderstood aspects of trauma is self-protection. Many survivors desperately crave connection while simultaneously fearing it. We want to be loved, understood and chosen. But the closer somebody gets, the more vulnerable we become. Vulnerability can feel terrifying when our earliest experiences taught us that closeness was not always safe. This can create a painful push-and-pull dynamic. A survivor may long for intimacy and connection one moment and withdraw completely the next. They may need reassurance while struggling to believe it. They may want support while finding it difficult to accept help. They might test whether someone will stay or pull away before the other person has an opportunity to leave. This is not necessarily manipulation. It is often fear, fear wearing armour. For survivors, pushing somebody away can feel safer than risking another betrayal. Ending something first can feel less painful than waiting to be abandoned. Remaining emotionally guarded can feel more manageable than allowing somebody to see the parts of us we still struggle to accept. The difficulty is that these protective behaviours can eventually create the very loneliness we are trying to avoid. Healing requires us to recognise when the danger belongs to the present and when it belongs to the past. That takes time, self-awareness and often professional support. It also takes safe relationships, relationships where boundaries are respected, communication is clear and mistakes can be discussed without every rupture becoming an ending. Trauma and the body Trauma does not only live in our memories. It can also be felt in the body. Survivors may experience anxiety, panic attacks, chronic exhaustion, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, tension, burnout or periods of emotional overwhelm. Others may feel numb or disconnected from their bodies altogether. For years, I believed I was simply “too sensitive.” I could not understand why certain situations affected me so deeply or why my body sometimes reacted before my mind had worked out what was happening. What I later learned was that my nervous system had spent years preparing for threats that no longer existed. A smell, sound, touch, place or change in someone’s behaviour can trigger a response without the survivor immediately understanding why. The body can react as though the past is happening again, even when the conscious mind knows that the present moment is different. This is why telling someone to “calm down” or “get over it” rarely helps. The reaction is not necessarily a decision they are making. It may be an automatic response from a nervous system trying to keep them safe. Living in a heightened state of alertness is exhausting. Eventually, the body asks for rest. Sometimes that exhaustion appears when life finally becomes safer. When the adrenaline reduces and the body no longer has to remain constantly prepared, a survivor may feel as though they have crashed. This is why healing often involves more than talking about what happened. It can also involve learning to recognise bodily responses, regulate the nervous system, reconnect with the body and experience safety in the present. There is no single approach that works for everyone. Healing should always respect the survivor’s individual needs, choices and pace. The impact on intimacy and relationships Childhood sexual trauma can also affect a survivor’s relationship with intimacy. Touch may feel comforting in one moment and overwhelming in another. Certain experiences may trigger fear, numbness, panic or a need to disconnect. Some survivors avoid intimacy, while others may seek it in ways they later struggle to understand. Neither response makes somebody broken. These can be attempts to regain control, feel connected, seek validation or cope with experiences that were never properly processed. Consent, patience and communication are essential. Never assume that because a survivor was comfortable with something previously, they will always be comfortable with it. Consent is ongoing, and everybody has the right to change their mind. A supportive partner does not pressure, guilt or demand an explanation. They communicate, listen and respect the answer they are given. Support does not mean treating the survivor as fragile. It means creating a relationship where their autonomy is respected and where both people can communicate honestly about their needs. What survivors need most Contrary to popular belief, survivors do not need fixing. They do not need rescuing, and they certainly do not need other people telling them how they should feel. What many survivors need most is safety: safety to speak, safety to feel, safety to be believed, safety to change their mind, safety to set boundaries and safety to heal at their own pace. Healing is rarely linear. There are good days and difficult days, moments of growth and moments of grief. There can be periods when the past feels distant, followed by moments when a trigger makes it feel painfully close again. That does not mean the survivor has failed or returned to the beginning. Healing in layers is still healing. Recovery is not about never being triggered again. It is about developing greater awareness, support and choice in how we respond when those moments happen. Patience matters more than most people realise. How to support someone who has experienced sexual trauma 1. Believe them If someone chooses to disclose their experience, understand how much courage that may have taken. Many survivors spend years carrying their story alone. They may have rehearsed the conversation repeatedly, questioned whether their experience was “bad enough” or worried that speaking about it will change how you see them. You do not need the perfect words. You simply need to listen. Some of the most powerful things you can say are, “Thank you for telling me,” “I believe you,” “What happened was not your fault,” and “I’m here.” Avoid interrogating them or asking why they did not tell somebody sooner. There are countless reasons survivors remain silent, and none of them make the abuse their responsibility. Let them decide how much they want to share. Disclosure is not an invitation to ask for every detail. 2. Do not try to fix it When we care about somebody, our instinct is often to solve the problem. Trauma is not something that can be fixed with advice, positivity or a carefully chosen sentence. Most survivors are not looking for somebody to erase what happened. They are looking for understanding, belief and emotional safety. Instead of assuming what they need, ask, “Would you like me to listen, or would you like help thinking about what to do next?” This gives control back to the survivor. Sometimes, sitting beside somebody in their pain is more powerful than anything you could say. You do not need to drag them towards the positive side of the experience. You do not need to remind them that everything happens for a reason. Some things should never have happened. Acknowledging that truth can be deeply validating. 3. Respect their boundaries Trauma often involves a profound loss of control. Respecting boundaries can help rebuild a sense of safety and autonomy. If someone says they need space, honour it. If they do not want to talk, do not push. If they do not want to be touched, respect that immediately. If they change their mind, allow that too. Boundaries are not necessarily rejection. They are often an act of self-protection and an important part of recovery. Never make the survivor responsible for managing your reaction to their boundary. They should not have to comfort you because they said no or explain their trauma to justify a need. Respecting a boundary consistently shows them that their voice matters. 4. Learn about trauma One of the greatest gifts you can give a survivor is educating yourself. Learn about common trauma responses, triggers, dissociation, hypervigilance and nervous system regulation. Understand that trauma can affect everybody differently and avoid treating one person’s experience as universal. Education can help you respond with compassion instead of taking every reaction personally. However, knowledge should never be used to analyse, diagnose or speak over the survivor. You can learn about trauma while still allowing them to remain the expert on their own experience. You are there to understand, not to become their therapist. Encouraging professional support can be helpful, but it should be done gently and without making the survivor feel that they are too difficult for you to care about. 5. Be consistent Trauma can make relationships feel unpredictable. Consistency helps build trust. Do what you say you are going to do. Communicate clearly. If plans change, explain rather than disappearing. Show up when you can, and be honest when you cannot. Small acts of reliability often mean far more than grand gestures. Trust is rarely rebuilt through one enormous promise. It grows through repeated experiences of safety. Consistency does not mean becoming available every hour of every day. Supporters are allowed to have boundaries too. Healthy support is built through honest communication, not self-sacrifice. The aim is not perfection; it is reliability, clarity and care. Remember the person beyond the trauma Survivors are more than what happened to them. They are not permanently fragile. They are not only a collection of symptoms, triggers and painful memories. We still want to laugh, love, work, travel, create, achieve and experience joy. We want relationships in which our history is understood but does not become our entire identity. Supporting a survivor means making space for their pain without reducing them to it. It means recognising their strength without expecting them to be strong all the time. It means allowing them to be complicated, human and still healing. Healing is possible For a long time, I believed my trauma would define the rest of my life. I believed I would always feel broken, always feel damaged and always feel different. The truth is, trauma changes you. But healing changes you too. Healing is not about pretending the past did not happen. It is not about forcing forgiveness, forgetting what was done or becoming the person you might have been without the trauma. It is about building a life where the past no longer controls every decision. It is learning to recognise when fear is speaking. It is setting boundaries without apologising for having them. It is choosing relationships that feel safe rather than simply familiar. It is taking accountability for our responses without accepting blame for what happened to us. It is learning that safety exists, that trust can exist, that love can exist and that joy can exist. Perhaps most importantly, it is understanding that what happened to you was never your fault. There may still be triggers. There may still be moments of grief for the childhood, safety or innocence that was taken from you. Healing cannot rewrite the past, but it can change the amount of power the past holds over the present. The wounds may not disappear overnight, but with the right support, understanding and compassion, they can heal. You are not what happened to you. You are the person who survived it, the person learning to live beyond it and the person who deserves a future that feels safe. You do not have to build that future alone. Follow me on Instagram for more info! Read more from Niki Stannard Niki Stannard, NLP Life Coach and Personal Trainer I’m Niki Stannard, a wellness coach, Personal Trainer, NLP Practitioner, author, and retreat host. My work sits at the intersection of healing, fitness, mindset, and personal transformation, drawing on both professional expertise and my own journey through trauma, burnout, and rebuilding self-worth. Through my writing and coaching, I aim to challenge stigma, inspire hope, and help people create lasting change from the inside out.

Written by Malak ElShazly, Somatic Coach Malak ElShazly is a United Kingdom (UK)-certified somatic coach specializing in nervous system regulation and trauma-informed practice. She works through 1:1 sessions, group classes, and educational tools to help individuals build safety in the body, process emotions, and restore a sense of agency. Have you ever achieved something you’ve worked incredibly hard for, only to feel like you didn’t deserve it? Or found yourself pulling away from someone who genuinely loved you, even though connection was exactly what you wanted? Most people assume these moments reflect a lack of confidence or self esteem. But what if they were actually signs of something much deeper? Shame is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience, yet it’s also one of the hardest to recognize. It quietly teaches us that we are not enough. Over time, this belief becomes so deeply integrated that we stop recognizing it as a learned pattern and start believing it’s simply who we are. Through studying the nervous system and working with clients, I’ve come to understand that shame doesn’t only shape our thoughts. It shapes our bodies. Until we begin addressing it there, we often continue repeating the same patterns, even when we know better. How shame quietly shows up in everyday life Most people don’t walk around thinking, “I carry shame.” Instead, shame disguises itself as personality traits, habits, and coping mechanisms that often appear completely unrelated. It may look like perfectionism because making mistakes feels unbearable. It may look like people pleasing because disappointing others feels like losing love. It may look like procrastination because failing would confirm your deepest fears about yourself. It may also look like constantly comparing yourself to others or feeling like everyone else has something you don’t. It may involve apologizing excessively, even when you’ve done nothing wrong, or struggling to receive compliments because they don’t match the story you’ve been telling yourself for years. Sometimes, it even looks like becoming highly successful while never feeling successful enough. Many people spend years trying to fix these behaviors without realizing they all stem from the same underlying belief, “I am not enough.” Why shame causes self-sabotage One of the most confusing consequences of shame is that it often makes people sabotage the very things they long for most, including a healthy relationship, a promotion, success, love, visibility, and joy. This is not because they don’t want these things, but because their nervous system has learned that these experiences are unsafe. For someone carrying deep shame, success may trigger anxiety instead of excitement. Receiving genuine love may feel uncomfortable instead of comforting. Being praised may create tension rather than pride, setting boundaries may feel selfish, and being seen may feel dangerous. Their body may respond with tightness in the chest, a knot in the stomach, shallow breathing, an urge to pull away, or a feeling that something bad is about to happen. Without realizing it, they begin creating distance from the very things they desire. They procrastinate before opportunities, push away loving partners, overwork to prove their worth, or convince themselves they aren’t ready. During conflict, they may immediately believe the relationship is over or that they have failed completely, causing them to shut down, become defensive, or withdraw emotionally. From the outside, this looks like self-sabotage. From the inside, it is often a nervous system trying to return to what feels familiar. To the nervous system, familiar often feels safer than healthy. People don’t sabotage the best things in their lives because they don’t want them. They sabotage them because their bodies learned long ago that they weren’t safe to have. Why awareness alone isn’t enough Understanding shame can be incredibly freeing, but awareness alone rarely creates lasting change. You can know you deserve love while your body braces for rejection. You can know you’re qualified while your body feels like a fraud. You can know your partner cares about you while your nervous system interprets one disagreement as proof that the relationship is falling apart. This is why so many people become frustrated. They’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and gained an understanding of their childhood. They can explain their patterns perfectly, yet they continue reacting in the same ways. That’s because the body responds before the mind has time to reason. The nervous system is designed to keep us safe, not necessarily happy. If it has learned that love, success, vulnerability, or visibility once led to pain, it will continue protecting us from those experiences until it learns they are no longer dangerous. Healing, therefore, isn’t simply about changing your thoughts. It’s about creating enough repeated experiences of safety that your body no longer needs to protect you from the life you actually want. How to begin healing shame Healing shame isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about questioning the story you’ve been carrying for years. Start noticing the beliefs that automatically arise when something good happens in your life. Do you immediately dismiss your success? Do compliments make you uncomfortable? Do you assume people will eventually reject you if they truly know you? These automatic reactions often reveal shame more clearly than your thoughts do. Practice speaking to yourself with the same compassion you naturally offer someone you love. Pay attention to what happens in your body when you receive praise, make a mistake, or allow yourself to be fully seen. Notice whether your chest tightens, your breathing changes, or you feel an urge to hide. These physical reactions are valuable information. They aren’t evidence that something is wrong with you. They’re evidence that your nervous system is trying to protect you. Working with a therapist or trauma informed practitioner can help uncover these deeply rooted patterns. Somatic practices such as grounding, mindful breathing, body awareness, and nervous system regulation can also help create new experiences of safety. Healing also happens through relationships. Every experience of being accepted without needing to earn it begins teaching the nervous system something new, that love doesn’t always disappear, that mistakes don’t define your worth, and that you can be fully seen without being rejected. Like every form of nervous system rewiring, this process happens through consistency rather than perfection. What changes can you expect? As shame begins to loosen its grip, you may notice yourself responding to life differently. You may speak to yourself with more kindness, become less afraid of making mistakes, and begin setting boundaries without feeling overwhelming guilt. Compliments may become easier to receive, and success may feel exciting instead of threatening. Conflict may no longer convince you that you’ve failed, and relationships may become more authentic because you stop believing you have to constantly prove your worth. Most importantly, your sense of value becomes less dependent on achievement, approval, or external validation. You begin experiencing life from a place of authenticity rather than protection. Conclusion Shame has a quiet way of convincing us that we need to earn the right to be loved, accepted, successful, or enough. But shame is not your identity, your personality, or who you were born to be. It is a learned survival pattern that developed in response to experiences that once shaped your understanding of yourself and the world around you. Like many learned patterns, it can change. Healing doesn’t happen because you finally become worthy. Healing happens because you gradually realize you always were. The version of you beneath the shame was never broken. It simply learned to believe otherwise. Follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Malak ElShazly Malak ElShazly, Somatic Coach Malak ElShazly is a UK-certified, trauma-informed somatic coach specializing in nervous system regulation and embodied emotional processing. She offers 1:1 freelance coaching, works across digital platforms, and teaches group classes in studio settings. Her work supports individuals in building safety in the body, completing emotional cycles, and strengthening a sense of agency. Malak also creates practical somatic tools and products designed to support long-term emotional regulation and resilience. Her approach integrates evidence-informed somatic practices with accessible, body-based education.

Written by Danijella Dragas, CEO The Bear Stearns Investment Banking firm employed Miss Dragas for over 18 years. She worked in their offices in London, São Paulo, Beijing, New York, and Irvine. Her specialty was asset management, capital markets/investment banking during her final four years at Bear Stearns. Miss Dragas was one of the original team members who introduced Bear Stearns mortgages to the banking industry in the residential wholesale market. The conversation surrounding affordable housing has never been more important. Across the United States, rising construction costs, elevated mortgage rates, limited housing inventory, and population growth have made homeownership increasingly difficult for millions of families. While affordability is often viewed as a challenge for buyers, it also presents one of the greatest opportunities for builders and developers willing to adapt to changing market demands. Affordable housing is no longer simply a social responsibility, it is a sound business strategy. Developers who understand the evolving needs of today's buyers will be better positioned to meet market demand, build sustainable communities, and create long-term profitability. The growing demand for affordable housing Home prices have appreciated significantly over the past decade, while household incomes have struggled to keep pace. At the same time, higher interest rates have increased monthly mortgage payments, forcing many potential buyers to delay purchasing a home. Yet demand has not disappeared. Millions of renters still aspire to become homeowners. Young professionals are entering the housing market later in life, while many families are searching for homes that balance affordability with quality, convenience, and access to employment. Retirees are also looking to downsize into smaller, lower-maintenance properties that fit their changing lifestyles. This broad spectrum of buyers represents a substantial opportunity for builders who can deliver homes at attainable price points. Why builders and developers should prioritize affordable housing Developers often focus on luxury or high-end communities because of their larger profit margins. However, the affordable housing segment offers several long-term advantages. A larger buyer pool: Affordable homes appeal to first-time buyers, working families, healthcare professionals, teachers, public servants, and retirees. This significantly expands the potential customer base and creates more consistent demand across various market conditions. Stronger market stability: Luxury housing tends to be more sensitive to economic fluctuations. Affordable housing, on the other hand, addresses a fundamental need that exists regardless of the economic cycle. Communities built around attainable price points often experience stronger occupancy rates, healthier resale activity, and greater long-term stability. Opportunities through innovation: Builders can maintain profitability by embracing smarter construction methods, such as efficient floor plans, energy-efficient building materials, modular and prefabricated construction, higher-density developments where appropriate, mixed-use communities, and sustainable infrastructure. Innovation allows developers to reduce costs without sacrificing quality. Building stronger communities: Affordable housing contributes to healthier local economies by allowing essential workers to live closer to their jobs, reducing commuting times, and supporting neighborhood growth. When communities become more diverse and accessible, local businesses, schools, healthcare providers, and public services all benefit. Preparing buyers for homeownership Building affordable homes is only one side of the equation. Many prospective buyers are financially capable of owning a home but are simply unprepared for the mortgage process. Education is one of the most valuable investments the housing industry can provide. Review your credit: Your credit score plays a major role in determining loan approval, interest rates, down payment options, and monthly mortgage payments. Buyers should obtain copies of their credit reports, dispute any errors, and work toward reducing outstanding debt before applying for financing. Paying bills on time and maintaining low credit utilization can significantly improve credit scores over time. Organize financial documentation: Mortgage lenders require documentation that demonstrates financial stability. Common documents include government-issued identification, recent pay stubs, W-2s or tax returns, bank statements, employment verification, investment account statements, records of additional income, and documentation for self-employed borrowers. Preparing these documents in advance helps streamline the approval process and reduces unnecessary delays. Establish a realistic budget: Homeownership involves more than a monthly mortgage payment. Buyers should also budget for property taxes, homeowners insurance, homeowners association (HOA) fees, if applicable, maintenance and repairs, utilities, and emergency savings. Understanding the total cost of ownership helps buyers make sustainable financial decisions. Save for upfront costs: Although many loan programs offer low down payment options, buyers should also prepare for closing costs, home inspections, appraisal fees, moving expenses, and initial home repairs or furnishings. Building savings before purchasing reduces financial stress after closing. Obtain mortgage pre-approval: A mortgage pre-approval provides buyers with a realistic purchasing budget while demonstrating to sellers that their financing has already been reviewed by a lender. Pre-approved buyers often have a competitive advantage in today's market. Avoid major financial changes: Once buyers begin the mortgage process, financial stability becomes extremely important. They should avoid opening new credit cards, purchasing vehicles, taking on additional debt, changing employment without consulting the lender, or missing loan or credit payments. Consistency helps ensure a smooth loan approval process. How developers can support future homeowners Forward-thinking developers recognize that education creates stronger buyers. Successful builders are increasingly partnering with mortgage professionals, financial advisors, and housing counselors to offer first-time homebuyer seminars, credit improvement workshops, down payment assistance education, financial literacy programs, and mortgage readiness consultations. Helping buyers prepare financially not only improves closing success rates but also builds trust and long-term customer relationships. Affordable housing is an investment in the future Affordable housing is not about building smaller dreams, it is about creating greater opportunities. As demographic trends shift and affordability becomes a defining issue in the housing market, builders and developers have an opportunity to reshape communities while achieving sustainable business growth. Likewise, buyers who take the time to improve their credit, organize their financial documents, and prepare for homeownership will place themselves in a stronger position to achieve lasting financial security. The future of housing depends on collaboration among developers, lenders, policymakers, and homebuyers. By combining innovative construction with financial education and thoughtful planning, the industry can help make homeownership attainable for more families while creating resilient communities that thrive for generations. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Danijella Dragas Danijella Dragas, CEO Born and raised in England, Miss Dragas earned a Bachelor of Science (BS) in Economics, International Trade, and Banking from the University of London. She spent more than 18 years at Bear Stearns, working across London, São Paulo, Beijing, New York, and Irvine, with a focus on asset management, capital markets, and investment banking. With 36 years of experience in residential and commercial lending, she specializes in construction finance, asset repositioning, financial technology (fintech), blockchain, multi-sector business finance, hospitality, clean energy, trade programs, and pre-initial public offering (pre-IPO) ventures.

Written by Manuel Aragon, Tax Consultant & Advisory Planner Manuel Aragon is a Colorado entrepreneur with a deep background in business, tax preparation, advisory, and planning. He has served as a Chief Financial Officer (CFO), Operations Manager, Finance Director, and Consultant. For a long time, I lived two completely separate lives, trapped in a silent war within my own mind. When I was drowning in the dark, I was ashamed to admit that I ever wanted better for myself. I thought my environment was my destiny and that dreaming big was a dangerous illusion. Later, when I fought my way into the light. Earning degrees, receiving features, and sitting in rooms with millionaires and moguls–a different kind of fear took over. I was utterly terrified that the people around me would discover my past. I worried that if they saw the mugshot behind the suit, or realized I was branded a felon at 14, they would instantly throw me out of the room. So, I kept my history locked away in a hidden box, smiling for photos, speaking polished corporate language, and constantly praying that no one would ask too many questions about where I truly came from. I refuse to live like that ever again. I refuse to sit in the tiny, neat box that society, the legal system, or insecure people try to put me in. I will follow the light in my mind and leave every single piece of me on this earth with absolute, unshakeable integrity. The simple, raw truth is that most of these words come with tears in my eyes. I write this with a heavy heart and a weeping soul because of the immense burden I carry every single day. I carry the pain of the lost years behind bars, the sharp grief of a 19-year relationship ending in divorce, the guilt of bad choices made while drowning in trauma, and the haunting memory of friends, brothers, and loved ones who didn't survive the streets. But I have learned that this burden isn't a weakness, it is what makes me different. It gives me an unquenchable fire, a grit, and a depth that fake success can never imitate. This isn't for applause. I don't write, speak, or build for internet clout or empty handshakes. I do this for a cause. Today, I stand before the world as a whole man. I am no longer fracturing myself to make other people comfortable. I am the 14-year-old kid who was so damaged that he picked up a gun and fired six shots. I am the man who collapsed under the weight of separation and suffered from my family's addictions, driving under the influence (DUI), and rock bottom. But I am also the loving father breaking generational curses, the scholar standing on graduation stages, an international bestselling author, speaker, and entrepreneur sharing boardrooms with high-level leaders, and the man built to inspire millions. The brutal pain of my shadow self gave me my empathy, my street-smarts, and my unyielding resilience. The achievements of my light gave me my platform, my network, and my economic resources. But this moment right now, this total integration, is where real purpose lives. My vision moving forward is crystal clear: I am here to help, to build, and to scale my businesses to heights that shock the people who counted me out. I am here to lead by example, not by talking about theories, but by putting in the work every single day. Above all, I am here to be authentically myself in every room I walk into. I won't ever be perfect, and I have stopped trying to perform for human perfection. I just want to be who God made me to be, flaws, scars, victories, and all. I have reached a point in my journey where I realize that the right people will love me for my real story, and the rest don't even matter. None of this happened simply because I worked hard or pulled myself up by my bootstraps. The ultimate, undeniable truth is that I had to drop to my knees and ask God who He wanted me to be. When you are sitting in a concrete cell or trapped in a self-destructive cycle of addiction and grief, your ego tells you that you can fix everything yourself. Pride convinces you that you are in control, even while your life is burning to the ground around you. It takes hitting absolute zero, true rock bottom, to finally break that pride and force you into surrender. I had to stop running my own broken, reckless plan. I had to drop my head, surrender my ego, and ask God to take the wheel. I had to place my faith in the fact that He had a master plan for my life that was far bigger than my criminal record, far deeper than my mistakes, and far stronger than the labels the court system gave me. Stepping into God’s vision for your life requires a level of gratitude that most people never experience. I am deeply thankful for the wins, the honors, the degrees, and the platforms, of course. But today, standing in the truth of who I am, I am equally grateful for the struggle. God didn't cause my bad choices or light the fires of my trauma, but He used every single piece of my broken past as raw materials to build the muscle, wisdom, and authority I need to lead today. Without the dark years, I wouldn't have the empathy to heal broken souls. Without the fall from grace, I wouldn't have a message that can uplift a hurting world. The pressure didn't destroy me, it created the crucible that forged my spirit. Gratitude turns our worst chapters into a blueprint for service. To truly lead people, you cannot hand them a polished, fake, bulletproof version of yourself. The world is sick of plastic leaders and fake perfection. People are hurting, struggling, drowning in secret shame, and desperately searching for real hope. They don't need an untouchable hero who never fell into the mud, they need a battle-tested guide who fell straight into the abyss, faced his demons, found the way out through grace, and came back to show them the path. I step into every boardroom, every stage, every business meeting, and my home as a full, complete man. I bring the street-smart kid who survived against all odds. I bring the father who loves his son with everything he has. I bring the builder creating legacy and wealth. I bring the faithful servant who humbly gives all glory of his story back to God. I am giving the world all of me, the scars, the crowns, the losses, the tears, and the victories. Because when you hold nothing back, refuse to hide behind a mask, and fully align with your higher calling, your life ceases to be just a personal story. It becomes a beacon that lights up the dark for everyone else to find a way forward. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Manuel Aragon Manuel Aragon, Tax Consultant & Advisory Planner Manuel Aragon has elite expertise in tax preparation, accounting, finance, cash planning, and tax strategy. Manuel has delivered modern, innovative financial solutions, driving growth and efficiency for multiple companies in Colorado. His leadership and approach have solidified a reputation for excellence, onboarding, and overall client satisfaction. Continues to serve in multiple roles across the Front Range as a Tax Preparer, Chief Financial Officer (CFO), Operations Manager, Finance Director, and Consultant.

Written by Kimberly Krasowski, Psychotherapist Kimberly Krasowski, LMHC, CAGS, CAATP, is a psychotherapist supporting clients navigating anxiety, depression, trauma and abuse recovery, and grief. She helps clients reconnect with themselves and create lasting emotional healing. Walk down the sympathy card aisle, and you'll find a card for almost anything: the death of a father, a mother, a spouse, a beloved dog. Soft watercolors, gentle language, permission to grieve–all pre-printed and ready to mail. But there's no card for the mother whose adult son stopped speaking to her three years ago. None for the woman who miscarried at nine weeks and never told her coworkers why she missed a week of work. None for the man whose best friend simply drifted away after a falling out neither of them can quite name. None for the daughter watching her father disappear, piece by piece, into dementia, grieving someone who is still alive. These losses are real. They are often devastating. Because they don't fit the shape society has agreed to recognize, the people carrying them are often left to grieve alone, in silence, without so much as a card to say, “I see that this hurts.” There's a name for this. Grief researchers call it disenfranchised grief, loss that isn't openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. It's not that the grief is smaller. It's that the world hasn't permitted it to exist. What counts as an unrecognized loss Once you start naming them, you realize how many kinds of grief live in this blind spot: Estrangement from a parent, sibling, or child, a loss that's ongoing, with no funeral and no closure Miscarriage and infertility, grief for a future that never had a chance to become real to anyone but you Ambiguous loss, losing someone to addiction, dementia, or severe mental illness while they're still physically present The end of a friendship, a relationship with no cultural script for how to mourn it Losing an identity, a career, a marriage, a body, a version of yourself that isn't coming back “Disallowed” relationships, grieving an ex-partner, an estranged parent, or someone whose relationship to you complicates the story of your loss Pet loss, often dismissed as “just a dog” by people who have never loved one None of these come with bereavement leave. None of them get a receiving line at a funeral home. That absence of ritual doesn't make the grief lighter, it often makes it heavier, because there's nowhere to put it. Why the silence makes it worse Grief that gets witnessed moves differently than grief that gets hidden. When a loss is publicly recognized, people check in on you. They bring food. They give you room to fall apart without explanation. That collective acknowledgment does real psychological work, it tells your nervous system this is significant, and you are not alone in it. Disenfranchised grief strips that away. You're left to carry the full weight of the loss while also managing everyone else's confusion about why you're still upset, or performing normalcy so no one asks a question you don't want to answer. Over time, that combination, real grief plus social invisibility, can complicate the healing process, leaving people stuck, isolated, or quietly convinced that something is wrong with them for grieving this hard over something no one else seems to think matters. It doesn't help that grief is so often reduced to a tidy progression of stages. Real grief rarely moves in a straight line, and unrecognized grief especially tends to circle back, unannounced, at anniversaries, holidays, or ordinary Tuesdays. What actually helps If you're carrying a grief no one else has named for you, a few things can make a real difference: Name it yourself: You don't need anyone else's permission to call it grief. Simply saying, even privately, “I am grieving this” can loosen the isolation of carrying something unspoken. Build your own ritual: Funerals exist because ritual helps us process loss. You can create your own: light a candle on a hard anniversary, write a letter you'll never send, mark the day in some small, intentional way. The ritual doesn't need an audience to matter. Choose your witness carefully: Not everyone will understand this loss, and that's alright. Find the one or two people who can sit with it without minimizing it, a friend, a support group, or a therapist, and let them be the ones who know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Let go of the comparison: Grief isn't a competition, and it isn't sized by how much cultural permission it's been given. A friendship breakup can hurt as much as a death. An estrangement can ache more than a funeral, precisely because it never ends. If someone you love is grieving something invisible You don't need to understand the loss to honor it. Skip “at least” and “it could be worse.” Statements can be made with the best intentions, but if they don't validate and acknowledge the grief, they will not land well and can harm the other person. Instead, try: “I don't fully understand this loss, but I can see it's hurting you, and I'm here.” “Do you want to talk about it, or just not be alone right now?” Simply remembering the date, months later, and checking in. That small act of acknowledgment can do what no card ever could. Grief doesn't need anyone's permission Grief doesn't need a certificate, a funeral, or anyone else's approval to be real. If you're grieving something the world hasn't made room for, that doesn't mean you're grieving wrong, it means you're grieving something the world hasn't caught up to yet. If you're navigating a loss that doesn't fit the shape everyone else recognizes, you don't have to sort through it alone. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help you process grief that's gotten stuck. Reach out, let's talk about what you're carrying. Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Kimberly Krasowski Kimberly Krasowski, Psychotherapist Kimberly Krasowski, LMHC, CAGS, CAATP is a trauma-informed psychotherapist who helps individuals navigate anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, and the lasting impact of abuse. She believes healing happens when people feel safe enough to explore their experiences and reconnect with themselves. Her work is grounded in both clinical expertise and authentic human connection. Kimberly is the founder of Beacon EMDR and Mental Health Services, where she helps clients create meaningful, lasting change. Related articles: Grief And Infertility Ambiguous Loss Moves Under The Radar Why Being A Perfectionist Makes Grief Even Tougher A Book, A Fox, A Boy And Love In A Frightening, Dystopian World

Written by Aran Bray, Founder of Be Outstanding, Speaker & Human Performance Coach Aran Bray is the creator of The Take One Moment Method (TOM), a practical approach to human behaviour that focuses on the moment before action. His work helps people recognise patterns, interrupt automatic responses, and develop real self-direction. For quite a few years, things kept growing out of my back. They weren't particularly attractive. They would grow beneath the skin, occasionally reaching something approaching the size of a golf ball, at which point I'd go to the doctor and have them cut out. At least, that's what ‘actually’ happened. My sons were told something rather different. They were man crystals. Apparently, the world occasionally needed my help The man crystals began one summer when my boys were young. I had my shirt off, and one of them noticed the rather obvious lump protruding from my back. I could have explained what it was. It was essentially a pocket beneath the skin that had filled with bodily fluid and would eventually need removing. Perfectly explainable. Not particularly exciting. Instead, for reasons I still don't entirely understand, my mind disappeared into a film I'd seen years earlier called Starman. I told them the truth. Well, a version of it. Every now and then, I explained, something happens somewhere in the world and a little extra help is required. When that happens, it's not uncommon for one of these crystals to start growing inside me. Eventually, it gets big enough, I go to the doctor, they cut it out, and the crystal is taken away to wherever in the world it's needed. They sew me back up. The world is helped. We carry on. Nothing particularly remarkable. Just a man crystal. My sons seemed perfectly satisfied with this explanation. I probably should have thought this through The problem with telling fanciful stories to small children is that adults tend to forget them. Children don't. I'd already discovered this at bedtime. I desperately wanted to read to my boys when they were young, but reading aloud wasn't easy for me. It hadn't been since school. Even as an adult, the thought that I might be asked to read something aloud could trigger an extraordinary physical reaction. I'd worry about stumbling over a word before I'd even reached it. I'd become hot. My palms would sweat. The anxiety would arrive before the sentence did. It's strange what childhood fears can do when they're allowed to grow up with you. So, as my boys began wanting increasingly complicated bedtime stories, I found another way. Sometimes I'd read. Sometimes I'd make the whole thing up. We'd choose a subject and disappear somewhere together. I'd create characters and ridiculous situations. Sometimes I'd ask them what should happen next, and we'd build the story between us. It became one of my favourite parts of being their dad. The only problem was that three nights later, they'd ask for the next chapter. I hadn't planned a next chapter. I could barely remember the first one. I'd start confidently enough until one of them would interrupt. "No, Dad. That's not what happened." Then they'd patiently explain my own story back to me. The man crystals suffered the same fate. I'd accidentally created canon. Children inherit strange things I've always been incredibly proud to be a dad. Like most parents, I wanted my children to have more than I had. More opportunities. More freedom. More fun. An easier relationship with the world. But there was something else I wanted for them too. I didn't want my fear to become their inheritance. I knew what it was like to feel incapable before I'd even tried something. I knew what embarrassment felt like. I knew the peculiar power of believing there were things other people could comfortably do that somehow weren't available to you. Reading aloud was only one example. Those fears were mine. I didn't want to hand them down as family heirlooms. Of course, children inherit all sorts of things from us anyway. My sons have certainly collected a few of my less desirable habits with remarkable efficiency. But I became increasingly conscious that children don't only listen to what we tell them. They watch where we stop. Where does your world end? I think we sometimes imagine that we teach children their limitations by explicitly telling them what they can't do. I'm not sure it's usually that obvious. Perhaps they simply notice the edges of our world. We don't go there. We don't do that. People like us aren't very good at those things. That's too risky. I'd never have the confidence. I'm not clever enough. Best be realistic. Nobody necessarily sits a child down and teaches them these rules. They just accumulate. Eventually the edge of our map can quietly become the edge of theirs. I didn't have any grand parenting philosophy for preventing that. I certainly wasn't sitting at bedtime thinking about human expansion. I was just Dad. A dad who sometimes struggled to read the book, so made up the story instead. A dad with ridiculous lumps growing out of his back who decided that explaining sebaceous fluid to two small boys wasn't nearly as useful as telling them that ordinary men occasionally grew crystals that helped save the world. But looking back, perhaps there was something underneath all that nonsense. Ordinary people can do extraordinary things The man crystals returned several times during their childhood. A lump would appear. One of the boys would notice. "Another man crystal, Dad?" Apparently so. Eventually, they'd see the stitches and bruising after it had been removed and know that somewhere, somehow, Dad's latest contribution to humanity was presumably doing its work. As they got older, of course, they knew perfectly well what was happening. But the story stayed. Even now, if another lump appears, I can expect some version of the same question. "All right, Dad. What part of the world are you fixing this time?" We laugh. It's a tiny thing that belongs to the three of us. But I've found myself wondering recently whether those ridiculous little stories did something else too. Because hidden inside them was an idea I desperately wanted my sons to grow up with. Ordinary doesn't mean insignificant. You don't need permission to explore. The world is bigger than the bit you've already seen. Perhaps you are capable of contributing more to it than you currently know. Nine metres is quite a long way down Years later, I found myself canyoning with my sons. If you've never been canyoning, part of the experience involves standing on rocks considerably higher than seems sensible and jumping into pools of water considerably smaller than you'd ideally like them to be. At one point, my eldest reached a jump of around nine metres. My youngest, still younger and smaller at the time, was taking on jumps of around five. Five metres is a long way down when you're a kid. Nine metres is a long way down when you're anyone. I was considering the situation with what I regarded as an entirely appropriate amount of adult caution. They jumped. Just went. No enormous ceremony. No lengthy negotiation with themselves. Off the rocks and into the water. I remember watching them. I don't believe for a second that bedtime stories or man crystals made my sons jump from those rocks. Children become themselves. They have their own personalities, experiences, fears, courage, mistakes, and choices. Nor would I want to take credit for the men my sons are becoming. But I do sometimes look at them and smile. They're two of the most fearless people I know. Not fearless because nothing frightens them. Fearless because the existence of uncertainty doesn't seem to automatically mean stop. Maybe some of the seeds took. Not everything we inherit belongs to us I've thought a lot about inheritance as I've grown older. Not money or houses or possessions. The invisible kind. Beliefs. Fears. Stories. Possibilities. The things handed to us by parents who had them handed to them by parents before that. Much of it is wonderful. Some of it isn't. Perhaps part of growing up is recognising that we don't have to pass everything on simply because it reached us. Some things deserve to continue. Some things can stop with us. Some things can be changed before we hand them over. I couldn't go backwards and remove the fear that a little boy once developed around reading aloud. But perhaps I could make sure that fear didn't decide what bedtime looked like for his children. So I made up stories. Badly. I forgot half of them. My sons corrected me. We laughed. Somewhere amongst all that silliness, perhaps we created a little more room for possibility. I never did give my sons any man crystals They're young men now. They're still growing, still discovering themselves, and, like all of us, they'll make mistakes and collect a few scars along the way. I have no idea where their lives will eventually take them. That's theirs to discover. But I do know this. I never wanted to give my sons a perfect version of their dad. I couldn't have done that even if I'd tried. I wanted them to see goodness. To understand contribution. To remain curious. To know that being an ordinary person never excluded them from doing extraordinary things. Most of all, I wanted the boundaries of my world to have absolutely nothing to do with the size of theirs. I never did manage to give my sons any man crystals. But perhaps I gave them something better. The belief that, should the world ever need a little help, they might have something worth contributing. If another lump appears on my back tomorrow? Well, apparently, somewhere in the world, there's still work to do. If you'd like to explore more of my writing on human behaviour, possibility, and expansion, visit here. Follow me on LinkedIn for more info! Read more from Aran Bray Aran Bray, Founder of Be Outstanding, Speaker & Human Performance Coach Aran Bray is the creator of The Take One Moment Method (TOM), a practical approach to human behaviour that focuses on the moment before action. His work centres on why people don’t act on what they already know, and how automatic patterns are formed through repetition, conditioning, and emotional response. By helping individuals recognise and interrupt these patterns in real time, he enables lasting behavioural change and genuine self-direction. Aran works with individuals, leaders, and organisations to develop the ability to act clearly when it matters most.