Your Children Need You To Be ‘Selfish’
- Brainz Magazine
- Dec 11, 2024
- 5 min read
Written by Juan Miolan, Integrative Mental Health Coach
Juan Miolan is on a mission to spark optimal mental, physical, and emotional health within parents. He believes that when parents feel vibrant, their kids and family benefit. He is an integrative health coach and is the creator of the RISE Method. Juan also co-hosts a live interactive show every Sunday morning on Instagram.
Have you ever felt like being a parent is all you are? You’re constantly being bombarded by tasks; making breakfast, lunch, cooking dinners, bathing, homework, after-school activities, etc. That’s not to mention the demands of your work schedule.
It’s important to realize that there’s a person behind the parent. Serving yourself is crucial to how you effectively serve your children. I know that sounds a bit counterintuitive, but keep reading, and you’ll see how it’s not a luxury but a must.
You were an individual before you became a parent to your children
Understanding that you are a person outside of being a parent requires you to honor your body, mind, and spirit. Being able to have high energy is paramount to being the best parent- and partner- you can be. Below are three major areas that will help you do just that.
Your body
It can be challenging to find the time as a parent to exercise or move in. One question I like to ask my clients and patients is:
“What is your expectation of the amount of time you need to work out for it to be effective?”
I ask this question because whatever label we put on, our minds must act in accordance with that label. Many times, we can put a bind on ourselves, thinking that we have to work out for 1-2 hrs a day, 5 days a week. This is simply not true.
You likely have a full schedule, and your stress levels are pretty high (you are parenting young children, after all). Doing intense exercise at a high frequency will likely be more detrimental than helpful if not taking your sleep and rest extremely seriously. It’s important to be honest and acknowledge where you’re at today. Honesty is the first step in progress. If you are not doing any workouts during the week, start with one day a week for a few weeks and build off of that. When you move, they see it.
Your nutrition will be the thing that will transform your body the fastest. It’s all about habit creation and making a definitive decision about how you want to show up and nourish the vessel that is your body. This will look different for everyone due to their own unique biology. However, there are certain things that we understand aren’t beneficial. I’m going to keep it simple and state two:
Alcohol
Too much sugar
It’s not always about adding more things to do. Many times, it's cutting out what is blocking your body’s God-given intelligence from doing what it’s designed to do. When you’re eating better for your body and brain, they see it.
Your mind
When you begin to question your way of thinking, you will inevitably begin to un-layer old belief systems. When you un-layer those old belief systems, you’ll begin to decide for yourself which beliefs serve you and your family and which ones don’t. You get to decide. It is that simple (notice I did not say easy).
However, the rewards are immense. Imagine you not being triggered as much when you speak to your kids or partner; your tone completely changes. The way you speak, the tone in which you speak, and the present state all send signals telling your children, “This is normal. This is love.” Also, imagine how much better you’ll be able to perform in your job with a mind that is more clear and at peace. You communicate more effectively. So, how do you begin to get there? Well, I’m glad you asked.
Meditation can be great for this. Why is meditation important? Because it teaches you to be familiar with yourself by observing the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been playing in the background for years. As you become better at holding space for your internal noise, you will be better able to hold space for your children’s charged emotions. This will send the message to them that there is a safe place for them to express and then process their feelings. When you show up with kindness and poise, they see that. A plus is that you will also carry this over into all other relationships you have; a poised listener is a poised leader.
Your spirit
When you think about spirit, think about connection. Connection to a purpose, nature, community, or friendship. What lights you up or pisses you off? Is there a problem in your community that you would like to be part of the solution for? What is your philosophy about life, family, money, values, etc? How are you embodying that philosophy?
Here’s the thing, you cannot look your children in the eyes and tell them to be the best they can and chase their dreams when you have extinguished yours. You can either be the example of what to do or the example of what not to do, either way, they are watching.
You’ve always had the tools – Go be the model
Children are incredible imitators. Their brains are made to connect, part of that connection is learning through the mirror neurons in their brain. This helps them imitate perceived important behaviors. I say perceived because when they see how you speak, overcome adversity with grace, read, write, eat, or move your body it is seen as important. However, the opposite is also true. If we are constantly yelling, triggered, eating foods that aren’t nourishing our body, and having unhealthy relationships, this sends a signal of “ this is normalcy.”
The most important thing you have to be for your family is the model.
Where should you start? That is a question only you can answer through intention and reflection. Is it with your body? Maybe it’s getting connected to something that lights you up. Do you want to work on resolving old wounds affecting the bond with your kids?
You don’t have to address all of these at once, you overachiever. Go with the area that feels like it needs the most attention right now. Every day is another opportunity to be that model.
Remember this: consistency > intensity.
Read more from Juan Miolan
Juan Miolan, Integrative Mental Health Coach
Juan Miolan noticed that four key areas kept coming up that prevented his high-achieving clients from accessing their best selves. He created the RISE Method to specifically address those key areas and guide his clients in producing incredible and sustainable results. Juan is a board-accredited Integrative Health Coach who focuses on implementing the RISE Method to optimize the health and well-being of parents. His philosophy is: You are the soil.
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