Why We Might Miss People Who Weren't Good for Us
Written by Rita Baki, Human Performance & EQ Consultant
Rita Baki is a certified coach and emotional intelligence specialist who works at the intersection of neuroscience, somatic psychology, and emotional resilience. She supports executives and emerging leaders through evidence-based coaching and tailored programs that strengthen leadership, well-being, and human performance.
Sometimes, words of longing lodge in your throat. You hesitate, questioning whether you even have the right to miss the one person who everyone around you insists you shouldn’t. Yet, you do miss them. It’s as simple, and as heavy, as that.
There is no logic in emotions
The question arises, "Why?"
It’s one short word, but it carries so much need. It’s as if this question stands in the way of acceptance. If we can just have this one answer, then maybe all those feelings of sadness, guilt and shame can finally vanish and melt into non-existence. But when have our emotions ever disappeared?
Your pain is real. The burn in your chest comes with the need to send that text. As an emotional intelligence coach, I’ve had people reach out to rid themselves of this uncomfortable feeling.
But true liberation comes from being able to hold these emotions, name them and let them pass like waves in the ocean. Today’s newsletter is dedicated to those who are missing someone they know wasn’t right for them.
We’re missing more than just the person
1. We miss the rush
You may have heard of dopamine, the brain chemical often called the “feel-good chemical.” What it really does is activate the brain’s reward system. It creates the feeling of wanting. Relationships can set this system off strongly, especially when they are unpredictable, and the brain learns to chase the next high.
When the relationship ends suddenly, so does the dopamine high. The brain keeps looking for it, and that can feel a lot like restlessness, obsessive thoughts and the urge to check their profile or reach out.
What I tell my clients: Give it time. The reward system may miss this specific relationship. However, just like everything in the brain, we can learn to rewire what it reaches for.
2. We miss who we were with them
The famous psychologist Carl Jung captured the essence of relationships: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Different relationships bring out inner experiences we may not have had access to. As we experience loss, we are ultimately feeling the potential loss of these inner experiences, the parts of us that came alive around them.
What I tell my clients: What did you feel with this person? How did you feel different? Once you name the dynamic, you can look for ways to bring the feeling into your life without them, through other people, activities or even time alone.
3. We miss who we wanted them to be
Sometimes, we miss the version of the person they could’ve become. We remember the good moments more strongly (this is called rosy retrospection), and we focus on their potential instead of how they actually treated us. Slowly, we start missing a fantasy.
What I tell my clients: Keep two lists. On one list, write what was real. On the other, write what you hoped for. When the longing gets loud, read both.
4. We miss what we lost in the past
How we respond to heartache is impacted by our earlier experiences, and attachment theory explains this well. As children, the bonds we form with our caregivers affect how we create connections, cope with distress and handle loss as adults.
What I tell my clients: Noticing your pattern is empowering. You can see your distress coming, understand your urges and plan what can comfort you during this time.
To love and hope
You probably don’t plan on going back. Perhaps this is the most painful of it all. It is knowing you won’t return, and still not being able to rid yourself of this heartache.
Missing someone? That’s just you being a human. It’s you having the capacity to have loved and hoped. Honor that feeling, and still protect yourself. You can do both. Eventually, the wave will pass.
Read more from Rita Baki
Rita Baki, Human Performance & EQ Consultant
Rita Baki is a certified coach and emotional intelligence specialist who works at the intersection of neuroscience, somatic psychology, and emotional resilience. She collaborates with individuals, couples, and medical professionals to address the psychological dimensions that influence recovery and quality of life. Rita recognizes that every path to healing is unique, and her own inner journey ignited her passion to help others find their own path. Her work is anchored in a simple yet powerful philosophy: Meaningful, sustainable change begins with inner alignment.
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