Why Successful People Struggle with Anxiety – An Interview with Coach Coleman Housefield
Coleman Housefield has spent 20 years coaching and mentoring men and women through the hardest seasons of their lives, but he didn't start this work because he had it all figured out. He began because his own emotions were running his life, and he didn't know how to stop it. Coleman would get dysregulated by his kids, work stress, and things that shouldn't have been a big deal, with no idea how to handle it. Driven by the need for change, he went deep into studying how our nervous systems work, training with the best to build a method that actually works, not just in theory, but in real life with real people who have jobs, families, and little time for fluff. Now, he helps others do what he had to learn the hard way.
Coleman Housefield, Emotional Regulation Coach
What first made you realize emotional regulation was something you needed to learn yourself?
When I felt miserable in my own home because my kid’s emotions were all over the place. I didn’t know it was emotional regulation I needed at the time; I just knew that I didn’t want to feel miserable in my own home anymore, and try as I might, I couldn’t change my kids. That left only one person I could change: me.
Why do so many successful people still struggle with anxiety privately?
Because they think it’s normal to feel anxious and they are successful because they are willing to take risks and try new things. Taking risks and trying new things is supposed to create anxiety. Feeling anxious for a few minutes is normal; feeling anxious for hours or days is not.
What changes when people stop seeing themselves as broken and start seeing regulation as a skill?
They get to work learning the skill and feeling a little bit better every day until one day they go to bed and realize they didn’t feel anxious a single time that day. As long as you think you’re broken, you’ll give up and turn to substances and medication to help you get relief from your emotions.
What does dysregulation usually look like in everyday life?
From the outside, you usually can’t see dysregulation. Successful people get very good at keeping it inside and performing and pretending that they are okay on the outside. If you’re dysregulated, you’ll see it in your closest relationships and in your relationship with yourself. You might catch glimpses of it when someone who’s normally very calm has an outburst at work.
Why is co-regulation so important in parenting?
Because the parent’s nervous system is the first environment the child lives in. From birth through the toddler years, children don't know much about the world outside of their parent’s nervous system; they only know what it’s like to be with you, in your home, in your car, in your presence. You, as the parent, are co-regulating your children whether you like it or not, so you might as well be intentional about it.
What’s one habit that helps people regulate stress more effectively?
Having a mindfulness practice every week. This could be walking outside, a guided meditation, a meditation of silence, or an intentional movement routine. Just being with your thoughts and emotions without judgement is one of the best ways to regulate stress.
How does “Feel It. Think It. Build It.” work in practice?
Feeling and learning from your emotions is the most important life skill you can develop if you want to be connected to the people you live and work with. Authentic connection with other humans requires emotion. Thinking on purpose is the 2nd most important skill because this is how you create something different from what you’ve created in the past. Both of these skills are required in order to build anything meaningful in your life.
What belief about emotions changed your life most?
I’m not responsible for other people’s emotions, and I’m 100% responsible for my emotions. As a recovering people pleaser, I needed the permission to stop trying to make everyone like me and be happy with my work.
What would you say to someone who feels overwhelmed but keeps pushing through it anyway?
Your relationships and your health will suffer if you keep pushing through. I know because it’s what I did for years. Learn the skill of emotional regulation instead, and your health and relationships can be better than you even imagined.
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