Why Is It So Hard To Leave A Narcissist?
- May 17, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 4, 2024
Written by: Veronica Weedon, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You know you’re miserable. Your life is nothing like you imagined it would be. Every day is about surviving, not living. You're permanently exhausted and confused. No matter how hard you try to make things better, they just seem to get worse. You spend your days walking on eggshells, in desperation for any kind of stability. You struggle to focus. The drama never ends. You feel weak and fragile. Over time you have become more and more distant from your family, friends and colleagues. Shame creeps in. The loneliness is overwhelming.
So why don’t you leave?
It’s a simple question, but the answer is far more complex. When you find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship, one of the following things is happening (and very often both).
You are not understanding what is really happening, or you’re not acknowledging it.
You know what’s really going on, and yet you can’t stop loving them. And so you stay.
Let’s dive into the number one first — You are either not understanding what is really happening, or you’re not acknowledging it.
For example, if your partner is always working late, only wants to go on holiday with “friends” (and not you), and is rarely or never intimate with you, then that does NOT mean they’ve got too much work at the moment, they’re tired, and they need some time with “just the guys” or “just the girls”. No, it means there is someone else.
I know that is a very harsh example, but unfortunately, it’s also the most common one. Yet so many of us don’t see it for what it is. We believe the excuses. This is where the saying “love is blind” comes from. The problem is, that blindness is one-sided. And unfortunately, that side is yours. And believe me I get it, I’ve been there.
See the signs
If you really look at your relationship, you will see the signs are, and always were there (because they always are)! Now normally your feelings would be all the evidence you need, but because of the narcissistic abuse cycle always circling back round to the love bombing stage, your emotions become the most confusing thing of all. So, being able to recognise the red flags becomes that much more important. Click here if you need some guidance on what those red flags are.
Understand the narcissist's tactics
The good news here is that once you understand the narcissist's tactics, they can become predictable. And predictability is empowering. Now let’s look at number two — You know what’s really going on, and yet you can’t stop loving them. And so you stay.
Trauma bond
This is called the trauma bond. And it is very real. It is also not visible, making it much harder to understand. Wikipedia defines trauma bonds as emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. Sound familiar? If you’re thinking about the narcissistic abuse cycle, then you’re spot on! If you are unfamiliar with the toxic abuse cycle, you can learn more about it here.
Constant state of fight or flight
By keeping you in a constant state of fight or flight, your brain is essentially hijacked, leading you to believe that you love what hurts you. You become dependent on the narcissist's validation in the same way addicts become dependent on their substance of choice. So it’s no wonder that ‘coming clean’ proves to be so difficult.
What’s more though, is that in the same way addictions often stem from past traumas, so does your attraction to unhealthy relationships. We form beliefs as children, behavioural patterns ensue, and these very often are carried into adulthood without us even being aware of them.
People are hardwired to go to the familiar. We inherently dislike change, and as such are attracted to what we know. As a child, you need your parents to love you. Your very survival depends on it. And so what happens when you don’t naturally have love and care, is that you take on one of 4 different roles:
1. The sick
Most of you probably know someone like this, or did when you were little. That person who always has something wrong with them.
2. The overachiever
The captain of the sports team, or the debate team. The one who graduated with honours. The one who went up that career ladder faster than anyone else.
3. The carer
The one that’s always looking after everyone else. The one who makes sure there’s food on the table, the home is clean, bends over backwards to make sure everyone else’ needs are met, and that just about everyone in need has a shoulder to cry on.
4. The rebel
The one who goes against the grain, breaks the rules, acts out, and does things opposite to everyone else, out of principle.
Now I’m betting that you recognise yourself in number two or three — the overachiever or carer — or potentially a little bit of each. If this is the case, it’s no surprise that your relationships have left you wanting and wondering.
When you are an adult, however, you don’t need your parents’ love, yet you continue to play the only role you’ve ever known.
Awareness is the first step
Awareness is the first step towards transformation. And breaking the trauma bond requires looking for answers within yourself as opposed to outside of yourself. It’s about healing old wounds so that you can heal your current wounds. It is possible to break free. It boils down to a single choice — who will you choose? Them or YOU? I hope it’s the latter.
Veronica Weedon, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Veronica Weedon is the Founder of Revival Health GmbH, an integrative health coaching practice that helps individuals heal holistically after toxic relationships. As a survivor of many toxic relationships herself, with devastating consequences on a mental, emotional, and physical level, Veronica Weedon is no stranger to adversity. After years of her own healing journey, she now helps clients uncover the root cause of their own destructive patterns, reform their beliefs, and transform their relationships and life through a program that addresses health on a mental, emotional, and physical level. Her mission is simple: to create a ripple effect of people so connected to their innate wisdom that their newfound freedom and empowerment not only allows them to create the relationships and life they want, but also becomes the inspiration for others to do the same.
