Why Do Working Mums Seem Fine When They’re Running on Empty? – An Interview with Lauren Roberts
Lauren Roberts is the founder of Calm Working Mum, a coaching brand helping working mothers move out of burnout and reconnect with who they are beyond motherhood, work, and caregiving. Drawing on her master’s degree in coaching, neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and breathwork training, Lauren takes an approach to change that puts the nervous system first, built from her own experience of burnout as a mother of three balancing shift work, study, and caregiving all at once.
In this interview, Lauren unpacks why so many working mums appear to be coping while quietly running on empty, why nervous system regulation has to come before mindset work, and what it really takes to reconnect with your identity beyond the roles you carry.
Lauren Roberts, Transformational Burnout & Wellbeing Coach
What led you to create Calm Working Mum, and which part of your own experience shaped it most?
Calm Working Mum started, unglamorously, on my third maternity leave, when I needed somewhere to say the quiet part out loud without "Lauren" being attached to it. So I started a faceless Instagram account, just a place to voice what I was feeling without it following me around. It grew to a few thousand followers faster than I expected, and that's where it hit me: I wasn't alone in this. So many women were nodding along in the comments, recognising themselves in words they hadn't had before either. I wanted to build the support I'd needed and never had, for people like me.
The part that shaped it most was the year I nearly disappeared under it all. I had two kids at the time, I was working 50 hours a week, and my job involved waking night shifts, staying awake through the night keeping another human alive. So there was no sleep to be had until I got home in the morning, and even then, it was only two or three hours before the next day started. Straight off the back of that, I was a mum and a daughter to a disabled mother who needed me too. I thought I was simply failing at being a mum, a partner, an employee. I didn't know yet that this had a name: matrescence. Before I understood that, I just kept saying yes to everyone, with no idea who I was outside of those roles. I felt completely swallowed whole, with nothing left to give.
Why can a working mum appear to be coping while already experiencing significant burnout?
Because coping and functioning aren't the same thing, and most working mums have gotten really, really good at functioning. We show up, we get the kids out the door, we hit deadlines, we smile at the school gate. That competence ends up being its own disguise. Nobody questions whether she's okay, not even her, because everything's still getting done.
Underneath it, though, burnout in working mums usually isn't some dramatic collapse. It's quieter than that. It's your nervous system stuck on high alert, snapping at things that don't deserve it, just getting through the day instead of actually being in it. Because there's no obvious breaking point, it gets missed by everyone, including the woman it's happening to. She's not coping. She's running on empty and has gotten very good at hiding it, usually because stopping never felt like an option.
"She's not coping. She's running on empty, and she's gotten very good at hiding it."
Why do you believe nervous system regulation needs to come before deeper mindset or behaviour change?
You can't think your way out of a nervous system that's dysregulated. When you're in survival mode, running on cortisol and adrenaline, the part of your brain that handles reflection and perspective just isn't fully online. Trying to do deep identity or mindset work on top of that is like trying to build on ground that hasn't settled yet.
This is something my breathwork and NLP training taught me directly: regulation has to come first. Before we can really explore who a woman wants to be beyond her roles, or shift what she believes about rest and worth, her body needs to feel safe enough to even go there. Once the nervous system settles, even a little, the mindset actually sticks. Skipping that step is why so many approaches to helping yourself feel good for five minutes and then don't change anything.
"You cannot think your way out of a nervous system that's dysregulated."
What does the conversation around working motherhood still misunderstand about invisible labour and burnout?
I think we still measure burnout by what's visible, how much someone's obviously doing, rather than the background stuff nobody sees: remembering everything, anticipating everyone's needs, managing the whole household's mood, all while still performing "fine" at work. That invisible labour is exhausting precisely because it's invisible. Nobody's clapping for it, nobody's taking it off your plate, and half the time, nobody even acknowledges it exists.
We also still treat burnout like it's a personal failing, something to fix with better time management or a bit more time to care for yourself, rather than what it actually is: the completely predictable result of an unreasonable load. Working mums aren't burning out because they're bad at coping. They're burning out because they're carrying more than one person should, most of it unpaid and uncounted, and calling it "just what mums do" lets everyone else off the hook for it.
How can we talk about personal responsibility for wellbeing without ignoring the pressures that contribute to burnout?
Honestly, I think both things are true at once, and that's the bit we lose when this conversation gets polarised. Yes, a working mum has some say over parts of her life: how she sets boundaries, what she says yes to, whether she protects little pockets of rest for herself. That's real and it's worth reclaiming. But naming that shouldn't tip over into blaming her for a situation she didn't create: unequal domestic loads, workplaces that won't flex, no village left to share the parenting with.
What I try to do is help women take back what's actually theirs to influence, without pretending the bigger pressures aren't real or telling them to just accept the unacceptable. Personal responsibility isn't about carrying it all and carrying it better. It's picking out the handful of things you can actually control, using those well, and being honest that the rest isn't yours to fix alone.
What early signs suggest a working mum is moving from everyday stress into survival mode?
The shift from stress into survival mode is usually really subtle, which is exactly why it gets missed. Signs I look out for: snapping over things that don't warrant it, feeling numb or checked out rather than actually feeling anything, needing more and more caffeine or sheer willpower just to get through a normal day, not enjoying things that used to be enjoyable.
Sleep is usually the first thing to go. Either you can't switch off despite being exhausted, or you wake up with your mind already racing. There's a flatness to it too, not sadness exactly, more just pushing through. When a woman starts talking about her days as something to survive rather than live, that's usually the clearest sign she's already well into survival mode, not just stressed. The sooner that gets named, the easier it is to actually do something about it.
How can identity work help a woman reconnect with who she is beyond being a mother, employee or caregiver?
For me, that work started somewhere I didn't expect: healing my inner child. I always felt guilty taking time for myself, like if I wasn't giving absolutely everything to my children and my partner, I was failing them. So much of that came from Little Lauren never getting the validation she needed, and I had to learn to give her that safety myself, as the woman I am now.
That's usually where I start with the women I work with too. Reconnecting with who you are outside of being a mother, employee, and caregiver rarely starts with a big dramatic decision. It starts with going back and giving your younger self what she didn't get. From there, it's about finding the parts of you that existed before the roles did and making room for them again, not instead of being a mother or a partner, but alongside those roles.
"You're not trying to go back to who you were. You're letting all of her exist at once."
What changed for you when you stopped seeing rest as something that had to be earned?
A friend once said to me, "You're doing too much. I'm worried about you," and I laughed it off. Actually laughed. Looking back now, that's almost funny in the worst way, because I was so deep in burnout at that point I couldn't even recognise the concern for what it was. I was snapping at my children and my partner over nothing, I wasn't sleeping properly, and there was always, always something to do. I'd do most of it myself too, because then at least it was "done properly." Looking back, that honestly makes me sad. Not guilty, just sad for her, for the version of me who thought she had to hold it all to be worth anything.
Everything shifted when I stopped treating rest as a reward I had to qualify for by finishing every task first, because the list never actually finishes. Believing rest had to be earned meant I was permanently one undone thing away from being allowed to stop, which in practice meant I never really stopped at all. Reframing rest as a baseline need rather than a prize changed how I moved through my days and how I show up for my clients now, because I'm not asking them to unlearn anything I haven't unlearned myself first.
What would you want a working mum who feels she is only surviving her life to understand today?
Honestly, she doesn't have to have it all together. The house doesn't need to be pristine. A bit of mess isn't going to undo anyone, and the list of things to do will still be there tomorrow, because it always is. Whatever she can take on today is enough, and some days that might just be getting through it, and that's allowed too.
I'd also want her to know that support doesn't have to cost the earth or take a whole weekend away to count. I've found that a few minutes of a proper reset does more for me than an expensive spa day ever has. Small, simple things, done consistently, tend to hold you up far better than the next big trend ever will.
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