Written by: JL Keez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The darkness of night greets again. The two am pull toward an entity lurking in the day time shadows emerges once more to taunt. Pacing the yard, calling out for release from this tormentor, the all too familiar depth of despair grips. The mind searches for ways to stop this invasion. None is found.
Sitting against the wall of the shed, head in hands, tears falling, the ‘Why’ echoes from within. Eventually, sleep takes over. As the sun appears, the nightly visitor leaves, normality returns. But the mind, the body knows that this unwelcome emotion simply takes rest for now; suicidal depression is its name.
Where the pull of suicide exists in one's life the question screaming to be answered can remain a mystery. Has the body grown too tired to nurture, and has the soul suffered an unresolved trauma? My life was lived in the grip of this entity for many long years. Without understanding, I sourced solutions suggested by well meaning family and friends. The traditional methods of medication and rest gave little comfort. Searching for an ‘out’ found me standing on the doorstep of a psychologist whose life had once been inhabited by this emotion. At last, the clues, the answers, and the solutions showed themselves.
Exploring my story, life events, and most importantly relationship connections would provide the path of healing required for this nightly invader to find its demise.
A life of childhood control via the family culture where hitting and yelling instilled deep fear was examined. The resulting thought patterns adopted explained the behaviours I exhibited. The emotional load gave meaning to a downfall into an eating disorder followed by the development of associated mental illnesses. The discovery of sexual abuse hidden by those who knew lined my life deteriorating from the strong athlete I was to the frail withdrawn shell I had become.
Identifying an exhaustive list of contributing life events, my mental status found understanding, at last.
The task at hand – to eliminate their hold, set suicidal depression packing and free my soul to live. I was to learn this was no easy task to undertake. With the suggestion of communing with suicidal depression when ‘it’ appears was met with, “You must be kidding!” Yet here I was, two am in the morning doing exactly that! Emotionally spent, wishing to end a life of pain in any way possible, I fought to pull toward the kitchen where overdosing was the attraction. Slowly I asked the questions requiring answers. In the quiet, responses came. The answers shared provided the information needed to take to my psychologist. Together we wrote a story of deep sorrow born from the words of blame assigned me as the abuse was inflicted. The responsibility handed to me had become a strain held within my brain and felt within my body. The heaviness of ‘fault’ of ‘the abuser will be killed’ of ‘no one will like you’ had determined the script running my life from those damning moments forward. Without acknowledgement or resolution when a child, the truths taught became my guide for life. The eating disorder reflected the desire for acceptance. Each of the presenting mental illnesses reflected a different aspect of the childhood upbringing and abuse and how I was interpreting it. My life was the result of messages given as to how life apparently works. Twisting my mind into confusion the development of suicidal depression was inevitable.
Designing a new script of truth where responsibility was returned to their owners, where ‘how life really works’ replaced the false ideals my childhood had taught me was written. Gradually I freed myself. Gradually suicidal depression had played its role in my healing. Gradually the nightly episodes visited less often. In time, realising ‘it’ no longer had purpose, suicidal depression left. I guess it found the bin it now belonged to!
Finding the purpose, enduring the pain, asking the questions, discovering the clues to form solutions was the path I followed with the guidance of the one whose life had once been invaded by this same entity. This was the support necessary for me to heal this part of my life where mental illness was the outcome of a life lived in fear. For this is where fear takes you – to the depths of suffering where the only way out is through.
Sitting here today I give genuine thanks to suicidal depression for showing me the way, and for returning me to me.
Not all who suffer are as fortunate to find their healing. To those who do not, I understand the choice to leave. There is no judgement, only the purest of love and understanding.
The lesson society needs to hear is one of prevention. For me, prevention must be in the form of education where the lines of the curriculum speak of unconditional love and acceptance. Where the lines of curriculum clearly outline, and demonstrate, the impact of trauma. Where the lines of the curriculum provide step-by-step processes for relating through kindness. Where the lines of the curriculum are influenced by those who have suffered, for this is the wisdom we are able to provide.
The removal of the deadly practices criticism, blame, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing from relationship connections to me is a must. The inclusion of the caring practices of unconditional support, encouragement, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting and negotiating to me is a must. This is the teaching of Dr. William Glasser, founder of Reality Therapy. This was the therapy undertaken with the guidance of my psychologist. May I encourage readers to research this approach?
The next step – is for society to hear these words, listen with intent and adopt the guidelines suggested.
May unconditional love line our relationships and kindness be the platform adopted in all connections made. May the framework for such be constructed using the caring practices outlined above.
I dedicate this article to tWitch a beautiful soul who did not find his way through. I understand his decision. It was once mine. In gratitude I thank the doctrines of Reality Therapy for lifting me out.
JL Keez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
J.L Keez survived a nine-year struggle with anorexia nervosa. She endured years of mental illness, including suicidal depression, OCD and depersonalisation. Today, she is the Director of JL Keez Anorexia Unlocked, a passionate speaker, author and Thought Leader in her field. In her role as a Reality Therapy Coach and influential teacher she empowers others to heal their lives through delivering the understanding required to do so.
