Validation Is A Superpower
Written by: John Scott, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I once took a 12-week course called Family Connections offered by the Sashbear Foundation to parents and other caregivers helping loved ones cope with mental health issues. Three of the twelve weeks were on the topic of validation.
One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood. So, validation is like a superpower, but what is it?
Validation is the language and behaviour of understanding and acknowledging another person's emotional experience, making them feel heard and understood. The opposite would be invalidation which sometimes happens unconsciously by non-listening, rejection of the other's feelings, or judgment of emotions.
Validation doesn't mean we must agree or condone another's feelings … just that we are genuine in our understanding of how they feel. We seek external validation to feel understood and connected, and self-validation is a healthy practice of recognizing and acknowledging our thoughts and feelings as valid.
Validation: "That must feel so bad." Or "I think I can understand how you would feel." Or a simple behavioural validation like a hand on a shoulder or a hug goes a long way.
Invalidation: "Oh, it's not a big deal. Just work harder." Or "I told you it wouldn't work." Or "Hey, get over it."
Notice which one feels better.
One week we took up homework which was (1) Make a validating statement once a day to a person, (2) Consider what behaviour you tend to validate the most and least. And (3) Count how many times in one day someone validates you.
There was some excellent discussion on the first two questions, and when it came to answering the 3rd question, there was silence until one person said zero and another said once a day. The point made by the third question was to suggest that our world is mainly unvalidating (new word1).
Validation outcomes:
The core element in productive dialogue.
Validation builds trust and rapport.
Validation enhances the self-respect of the recipient.
Decreases anger.
It makes other parties feel optimistic about the relationship.
I was struck in that session by the gap between these excellent potential outcomes and the small degree to which people validate others.
"When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!" Carl Rodgers
You might have heard of Dr. John Gottman, an American psychologist who has studied thousands of couples and claims to be able to predict with 94% certainty which ones will end in divorce.
One early study was with 130 newly married couples being observed by Gottman during a weekend retreat. He noticed partners making seemingly random comments like, "Wow, look at that car" or "I enjoyed the meal."
Gottman called these verbal connections "bids," and if the partner responded engagingly with something like, "yes, that is a nice car," or "I'm so glad you enjoyed your meal," he called these responses "turning towards." On the other hand, if there was no response or the response negative, he termed those "turning away from the bid."
In a six-year follow-up study, Gottman found that those who were now divorced had "turn towards the bids" only 33% of the time: only three of ten bids were met with interest and engagement from the partner. However, after six years, those who were still married had almost nine out of ten "turn towards the bids," thereby richly meeting each other's emotional needs.
* I encourage you to watch this funny video (< 2 minutes), which perfectly "nails" what validation is and isn't! It's Not About the Nail – Bing video.
We are human at home and human at work too.
So how can validation make things better on the job? For starters, not validating is expensive. Although recognition is only one aspect of validation, a Gallop poll in the US reveals that only one in three employees is praised or recognized. Those other two-thirds were twice as likely to quit within the following year. Conversely, we can assume a strong correlation between validation and engagement.
At work, validation can apply to coaching performance, building rich communication with clients and partners, dealing effectively with emotional people, and uplifting relationships one by one to support a tremendous overall culture.
Imagine a team becoming intentional about validation by considering Gottman's data of almost nine of ten bids being positive in a lasting relationship and how that could fuel sustainable high performance in a team at work.
Validation elements:
Being present. Paying attention and active listening to the other person.
Reflecting or acknowledging the emotional experience non-judgmentally.
Show tolerance for the other person.
Act with radical genuineness.
Be vulnerable, which is a form of validation. Like, "me too."
Validation genuinely offered will nail down a better relationship!
John
John Scott, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
John worked in sales and leadership in the financial industry for 30 years. For part of that time, he experienced a great deal of stress and didn't know the way back. As a result, John's health and wellbeing suffered. Becoming burnt out was the stimulus to wake up with a determination to do his life differently.
John began a private journey to understand and overcome the negative stress he was experiencing. He found a formula for sustainable performance he now shares to help people move through common challenges to experience more great and less grind.
John has completed Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR, U. of Massachusetts), Foundations of Applied Mindfulness Meditation (U. of Toronto), and the Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology (CAPP, Flourishing Center, NY).
John's adventures include:
• Climbing Mount Kenya and Mount Kilimanjaro.
• Two dog sledding trips to the Canadian Arctic.
• Two record-breaking swim crossings Lake Ontario (51km)
• The first to swim from Christian Island to Collingwood, in Georgian Bay (32km).
John brings his experience in life, learning, and adventure to help people do life and work well through writing, speaking, and coaching.
