Using Conflict To Enhance Connection In An Intimate Marriage
- Nov 30, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Jan 31, 2024
Written by: Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Imagine coming home and finding wet clothes in the dryer that should have been taken out hours ago. Or, maybe your bed isn’t made? Perhaps it’s a bill lying on the table that should have already been paid and now there’s a late fee…
You see the situation… How does it make you feel? My guess is that you feel unseen, unheard, deprioritized, and/or just plain disrespected. Whatever way this manifests it’s clear in such moments you and your spouse are not on the same page.
Maybe they pull their phone out too much, or they interrupt you when you speak. There are so many basic situations where you feel out of alignment and it can be very frustrating.
These kinds of situations happen to EVERYONE. It’s natural. It’s human nature. It’s part of life with another person. The key, however, to how close you feel depends on what happens next?
When you feel this way, do you pick a fight? Do you shut down? Or, are you perhaps a person who ignores it but ends up taking out your frustration on your child instead, by yelling at them about something minor? Maybe you prefer to distract yourself and pour yourself a glass of wine in an effort to simplify the situation.
These moments seem insignificant, but they can be highly impactful. They can make your blood boil and send tingles right up your spine (not in a good way).
The good news is that these moments are also full of potential. Yes, you read that right. They are full of POTENTIAL. Good, alchemical potential.
Each of these moments is an opportunity which can lead to more connection, better intimacy, and more soulful love.
Are you wondering how this is possible, how it works? How something painful and complicated can become a source of connection and feeling closer? Well, it all comes down to how you respond. That’s what makes the difference in whether a challenging moment sours things for you or it ultimately depends on the soulful love between you.
Here’s how you do it:
Start by recognizing that your spouse’s behavior is impacting you. Acknowledge to yourself that their interest in their phone, or negligence in remembering to pay the bill, or whatever it is, means you no longer feel calm or generous.
This is where people tend to be unconscious and unaware, feeling we are not bjrdtuve in our response when we actually are reactive. We all have massive blindspots which result in the experience that our initial reactive response is the “truth” when it’s actually very subjective. It’s essential to take stop a moment to pause, and notice what’s going on in the moment, not just in terms of your spouses behavior but in terms of how it’s impacting your own emotional landscape.
The moment you realize you are activated, you immediately simultaneously have access to the power to shift and reclaim your agency. You can pivot and decide how you want to respond, rather than involuntarily reacting.
Of course, this only works if you notice and then decide to make the appropriate adjustment. If you don’t notice it, then your internal experience will be determined by whatever event occurred, rather than having your own values and choices create your response. If you don’t take the time to clarify what’s happening for you, you’re most likely to end up having feelings of frustration, helplessness, rage, malcontent, and a sense of being unseen.
If, however, you recognize that you were triggered and interrupt the pattern, you will access sovereignty, agency, freedom, and the affirming experience that you are actively choosing your own responses.
With practice, you will perceive that you have many more choices in how to respond than were at first apparent.
So once you notice you’ve been triggered and you decide to respond with control and caring, what happens next?
Well, you could simply say that you are triggered and you need to take a beat to pause and regain your calm.
Alternatively you might ask a question to understand the other person’s experience and motivation.
You could calmly say it’s important to you and ask what your spouse needs to follow through the next time.
There are lots of different options which can work well for you, but you first have to recognize that you are, indeed, activated. And from there you can discover the most collaborative and successful solutions to the problem at hand. Because as long as you’re reactive and triggered, you’re likely to be blaming or defensive and that undermines how much connection is possible in that moment.
One of the best gifts of having a growth-oriented, intimate marriage is learning how to use these frustrating times with a partner you love as a playground for your own development. It’s a kind of in-the-moment zen practice that creates amazing results.
When you remember you both want one another to thrive, and you can see your own patterns, a commitment to expanding your capacities in the hard times paves the way for compassion, connection, and tender intimacy.
Being consciously aware of your triggers can be difficult because the very nature of being “triggered” means you may not realize it. In the moment it happens, your “primitive brain,” overpowers your “conscious brain” and you end up feeling justified in your outrage and righteous responses. But in allowing your “primitive brain” to take over, you are creating disconnection in your relationship.
Shifting into more open-hearted presence increases the emotional safety in your marriage and fosters emotional intimacy in the most delicious ways.
Can you recognize when you are triggered? Yes. You can. It just takes practice, and patience, and trust that you’ll learn to catch it sooner the next time. As you do that, you’ll simultaneously see such moments in your relationship transition from sources of hurt to times of helpfulness.
Try it for yourself! And if you’d like to learn more about having a growth-oriented relationship read my book Uncompromising Intimacy and check out my coaching programs here
Alexandra Stockwell, MD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Known as “The Intimacy Doctor,” Dr. Alexandra Stockwell is an Intimate Marriage Expert who specializes in coaching couples to build beautiful, long-lasting, passionate relationships.
For over 20 years, Dr. Alexandra has shown men and women how to bring pleasure and purpose into all aspects of life, from the daily grind of running a household to intimate communication and ecstatic experiences in the bedroom.
A wife of twenty-six years and a mother of four, Alexandra firmly believes the key to passion and fulfillment isn’t compromise ‒ it’s being unwilling to compromise. When both partners feel free to be themselves, their relationship becomes juicy, nourishing, and deeply satisfying.
Dr. Alexandra is the bestselling author of “Uncompromising Intimacy” and host of The Intimate Marriage Podcast.
