Understanding Narcissism, Giving, and the Balance of Healthy Relationships
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting in Libertyville, Illinois. She is also the owner of and writer for epijennetics.com, a website that explores the mental shifts that lead to healthy expression of self and healthy connection to others.
If you've spent any time online over the past decade, you've likely noticed a growing wave of content warning about narcissists. Ten years ago, I hadn’t even heard the term. Now, I come across daily posts, memes, and videos offering advice on how to spot and avoid narcissistic people.
Narcissists often show a striking inability to empathize or relate to others’ experiences. When confronted, whether through a complaint, criticism, or request for change, they tend to respond with intense defensiveness or blame. The person initiating the conversation is often left stunned, expecting empathy or compassion, but instead encountering denial, gaslighting, or rage. Unfortunately, this is typical when dealing with someone high in narcissistic traits.
What lies beneath narcissism?
Experts suggest that beneath the narcissist’s inflated self-image is a fragile core unable to process shame. Many narcissists can’t reconcile failure or imperfection because they’ve been conditioned, often from childhood, to believe that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. This drives a constant need to perform flawlessly, even in relationships.
As a result, any suggestion of wrongdoing triggers intense discomfort, which they quickly deflect by attacking, twisting facts, or shifting blame. Their core motivation is to avoid shame at all costs, leaving little room for vulnerability, empathy, or honest self-reflection.
What’s the opposite of narcissism?
Having had close relationships with narcissists, I’ve spent years trying to understand them. As someone who believes people can heal in the right environment, it was hard for me to accept that you can’t “fix” a narcissist, especially not without their own deep commitment to change. If someone’s driving force is to avoid shame, then meaningful connection, validation, and empathy are simply not possible.
One painful but important realization I came to is that being the “non-narcissist” doesn’t make you immune to dysfunction. Many of us who repeatedly find ourselves in relationships with narcissists have our own pattern of dishonesty, not about facts, but about our needs. Specifically, we try not to be needy.
Often raised in environments where caregiving was valued and emotional needs were minimized, we learned that helping others earned us love, safety, and approval. In this dynamic, our identity became tied to being the strong, supportive one. But this often came at the cost of learning how to be vulnerable or how to ask for help.
The giving-taking spectrum
It’s likely that if you identify as a caregiver, your relationships are with people who sit at the opposite end of the spectrum-takers. These individuals are emotionally demanding, unsupportive, and often rely on you to meet their emotional needs while offering little in return.
Articles about narcissists might help you identify toxic traits in others, but have they helped you examine what draws you to these dynamics in the first place? Many of us saw ourselves as the “good one” in the relationship, and the narcissist as the “bad one.” But that mindset can be limiting. While narcissistic behavior is undoubtedly damaging, the chronic self-sacrifice of the “giver” can also lead to deep emotional harm to ourselves.
If we view relationships through the lens of a giving-taking spectrum, both extremes are problematic. On one end, narcissists manipulate and demand to get their needs met. On the other hand, chronic givers suppress their own needs to gain approval through caretaking. Both are disconnected from their vulnerability, and both end up feeling unfulfilled, just in different ways.
Moving toward the middle
Growth comes from stepping away from the extremes and moving toward balance.
If you lean toward the “taker” side:
Practice identifying and expressing vulnerable feelings like sadness, fear, or failure.
Work on asking for your needs without manipulation or control.
Learn to accept others’ boundaries without reacting defensively.
If you’re a chronic giver:
Get honest about your emotional needs and practice expressing them.
Ask for support from people you trust, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Say “no” when your giving is driven by obligation or fear of rejection.
Set boundaries early and consistently, and be willing to enforce them.
Learning to risk disconnection in order to protect your emotional health may be the hardest work you do. But it’s necessary. Pay attention to whether you're trying to get your needs met by giving. Instead, try asking for what you need in open, vulnerable ways. You may be surprised by how powerful and healing that can be.
The path to real connection
Healthy relationships aren’t built on labels like “good” or “bad”; they’re built on mutual vulnerability, empathy, and respect. The more self-aware and emotionally honest we become, the more we attract people who are doing the same work. Avoiding narcissism and toxic dynamics is key to creating these authentic connections.
By clarifying what you will and won’t accept, setting firm boundaries, and being clear about your needs and what you're willing to give, you move toward relationships that are more balanced and far more fulfilling. Ultimately, the path to connection and intimacy begins with the courage to be honest with others and with yourself.
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Jennifer Martin Rieck, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Jennifer Martin Rieck is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and the owner of Epijennetics Counseling & Consulting and epijennetics.com, a website that explores healthy self-expression and healthy connection to others. She specializes in working with individuals who struggle to break free from Narcissistic or Self-Sacrificing relationship patterns.
