The Way We Grieve a Loss is Shaped by the Time We Were Born
Updated: Sep 15
Katja's compassionate and innovative approach to grief, loss, and trauma offers clients hope and renewed purpose. She authored "Dealing with Grief," a practical guide explaining why death remains taboo and how to break free from grief's grip.
Generational trauma is real. Mothers raise their daughters the way their mothers raised them. Even if this means teaching their daughters to suffer in silence in a relationship and to obey instead of choosing freedom and love. It might also mean neglecting or abusing their children the same way they were treated by their parents. Or it might mean fathers teaching their sons to be strong and to suck it up when it comes to emotions. Sometimes, they may teach them that ignoring their feelings and being the family's provider is the only true way to go. Even further, if they do not get things the way they want, drinking or other substance use, neglect, or abuse is considered okay to keep order in the family.[1]
As an example, my ex-husband and I both grew up in households where love was shown only when we excelled or proved useful to the family. Meanwhile, our families were unhappy, faced financial difficulties, and harboured resentment towards the world. So, to simplify it, the way our parents, and probably their parents before them, portrayed the definition of family to us was reflected in our relationship. Diving a bit deeper, we have two people who meet at one point. They are fully attracted to each other, and there was love at the beginning, no doubt about it. Two people escaping their lives to form a new unit. Now you are combining their trauma. Because that never leaves. It is part of your soul blueprint. You take that baggage into your new relationship. That is the moment when you create a disaster if one or both partners did not experience unconditional love at home.
One day in your relationship, a death happens, and those are the moments when you are faced with the reality of life. A person dies, and that exact moment brings up all the memories and emotions we might have parked in the back of our minds while living our lives before our relationship. The feelings and behaviours we learned when we were younger around death. Coping mechanisms around grief and sadness, healthy or unhealthy, you name it. We apply those to the current loss. We might openly express them by crying or talking about the loss, or we might try to avoid those heavy emotions, pretending to have control over the situation. Different emotions surface as we try to deal with the situation. Family dynamics that seemed healthy are now destroyed, almost in an instant.
We break apart, mourning not only a loved one but also ourselves for enduring the inevitable. This is where relationships not only suffer or become strained but also become a ticking time bomb if no healing occurs. We might grow into angry, resentful, depressed individuals who wake each morning hating our lives and ourselves for losing control. What most of us do not realize is that those learned patterns are not truly ours. Feeling undeserving, unworthy, or perhaps as though we do not belong feels almost normal in our society. Many of us were born and raised in a society that shaped us without our even noticing.
Finding out your soul blueprint does not happen overnight. Sometimes, people feel relieved for a short period when trying out certain coping styles or changing their lifestyle, but that relief is only short-lived. Numbing ourselves with substances or seeking the ultimate rush by trying new things, such as hobbies, buying excessive amounts of new clothing, or moving to different locations, may provide temporary relief. We might even hoard things to feel connected, only to find that none of it fixes the deep emotional pain.
Peace can arise when we learn to connect with our higher self. It feels like the holy grail, our true purpose here on Earth. Breaking free from the generational karmic cycle can be frightening. Sometimes, once we begin, we may feel compelled to leave everything behind. I experienced this. It was unavoidable. There was nothing more to fix, maintain, or invest in within that marriage.
I left my marriage, my home, my family, and some friends. It was scary at first. I don’t view this as failure now. Instead, I see it as mourning a relationship that had been broken for nearly 35 years, even before it truly began. I emerged with a sense of relief and pride. I finally felt genuinely connected, connected with my higher self. When we grieve and mourn relationships, we forget that they were never truly ours to hold onto and that they are never meant to be fixed by us alone. Instead, we need to heal ourselves, listen to our soul, and align with our true values and beliefs.
Once that realization settles in, loving ourselves becomes natural. Love fills our hearts, and authentic peace eventually anchors within us. This is our birthright: being happy, loving ourselves, and living in peace. Not forced, not bought, not dependent on someone else. It has always been ours from the beginning. We just need to listen to what we truly want.
When you genuinely reconnect with yourself, you'll see that you can mourn any kind of loss because it's part of life's journey on Earth. You will be sad and mourn, but it will not destroy you. Meeting people, places, and situations, sometimes for a lifetime, sometimes as mirrors or signs, and other times only briefly, guides your growth. When you understand your higher self, your purpose on Earth naturally emerges without effort. Because of this understanding, you will always have the confidence and peace to know that everything will be okay, even in the face of death or trauma.
Our lives are not meant to punish us. Deep down, we know happiness and peace exist. Sometimes, we just need to begin our journey to rediscover them. I sincerely hope you have found your happiness and peace, and if not, that you start your journey towards awakening.
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Katja Christine Strube, Grief Counselor & Author
Katja has dedicated her life to helping others overcome feelings of disconnect and not belonging. After experiencing personal trauma and loss, she found renewed purpose through volunteering with a local Hospice, offering support to clients facing difficult life challenges. Her extensive academic achievements and personal experiences allow her to understand her clients' struggles from multiple perspectives. Her compassion and empathy make her guidance impactful. Through unwavering commitment, she transforms counseling into a healing and empowering experience.
Reference:
[1] Bowe, C., Thomas, C., & Mackey, P. (2025). Perspective to Practice: Theoretical frameworks explaining intergenerational trauma, violence, and maltreatment and implications for the therapeutic response. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 22(3), 321.
