The Mirror We Avoid – Why We Blame Others for What We Can’t Face in Ourselves
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 28
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 5
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker and creator of the RAM-R™ Method, empowering women to rise out of survival and into sovereignty through emotional responsibility and embodied leadership.
You're scrolling social media when a friend posts about their promotion. Instead of feeling happy, something unexpected stirs in your chest. Your breathing becomes shallow, your face warms, and before you know it, you think, "They're always showing off." Or maybe in a meeting, a colleague speaks up confidently, and your heartbeat quickens; your first thought is, "God, they're so arrogant." Sometimes, you're annoyed by your partner's "neediness" just as you feel disconnected and crave attention yourself.
Sound familiar? That moment when someone else becomes the perfect villain for feelings you can't quite face in yourself?
We've all experienced that telling moment: we see our own behavior reflected in someone else, but instead of introspecting, we point outward. It's easier to call someone "too sensitive" than to recognize our own sense of overwhelm. It's more comfortable to label someone "selfish" than to confront our unmet needs. This reaction isn't petty or shallow; it's a natural defense mechanism of the human psyche. This instinctive defense has a name.
Let’s explore what this process, psychologically known as projection, actually means.
Projection is a mental habit where we hand our unwanted feelings to someone else. It's when we take an emotion, belief, fear, or insecurity that we struggle to accept in ourselves and unconsciously attribute it to another. Imagine a traffic jam: instead of recognizing your anxiety, you angrily blame the driver ahead for being too slow. It's your psyche saying: I can't deal with this in me, so I'll place it in you.
Far from being a personal flaw, projection is a recognized defense mechanism. Freud defined it early in the 20th century, and Anna Freud and Heinz Kohut later expanded it. Projection temporarily eases internal conflict by externalizing it. In the short term, it's safer to point outward than inward.
Research supports this: studies in social psychology show that individuals are more likely to attribute undesirable traits to others when these traits are personally threatening (Schimel et al., 2003). For instance:
You’re uncomfortable with your ambition? You label others as “attention-seeking.” You’ve buried your anger? You decide other people are “intense” or “too much.”
You feel unseen? You conclude others are selfish or inconsiderate.
Every unclaimed emotion seeks somewhere to land. If we don’t hold on to it, we hand it over to others.
Why projection feels easier than ownership
There are two key reasons projection becomes a default strategy:
1. We were never taught how to be with ourselves
Most people grow up in environments that reward performance and compliance, not emotional literacy. Studies show that children often learn to suppress or ignore negative emotions, which increases the likelihood of projection as adults (Gottman, Katz, C Hooven, 1997).
2. Ownership threatens identity
Admitting envy, fear, or resentment risks destabilizing the identity we've curated.
Everyone protects a cherished self-story. Recognizing this need can soften resistance to facing vulnerabilities. Research on self-concept maintenance theory shows we're motivated to preserve a positive self-image, even if it distorts reality. Projection, then, serves as a form of psychological self-preservation.
So we judge, gossip, and label. We call it “discernment” or “boundaries,” but often it's avoidance dressed up as virtue.
How projection distorts self-worth
Projection doesn’t just damage relationships; it corrodes self-concept. Over time, the brain reinforces distorted beliefs such as:
They’re the problem, not me.
I’m not responsible for how I feel.
If people behaved better, I’d be fine.
The cost is clarity. Studies have shown that a lack of emotional awareness, often due to avoidance, is linked to higher stress, poorer relationships, and lower overall well-being (Bagby, Parker, C Taylor, 1994; Goleman, 1995).
When you outsource your insecurities, you lose access to your authentic identity. When you refuse to hold your fear, you weaponize others’ confidence.
When you avoid your truth, you resent others for living theirs.
The blame loop
This creates a predictable cycle:
Trigger → Project → Deplete
Discomfort arises when jealousy, fear, or shame triggers a reaction. Rather than reflecting on our own discomfort, we project it onto others, labeling them harshly. While this brings brief relief, it erodes self-awareness and weakens self-trust. This self-reinforcing loop escalates avoidance and entrenches long-term dysfunction, making it even harder to break free (Hayes, Wilson, Gifford, Follette, C Strosahl, 1996).
Why the mirror matters
The mirror doesn’t judge, it reflects. Most people avoid the emotional mirror; it reveals what feels too raw: conditional self-worth, performative power, unmet needs.
The irony? Avoiding the mirror keeps us stuck. Research on self-reflection and psychological flexibility shows that people who can observe and accept their internal states without deflection report greater well-being. They also have stronger self- esteem and healthier relationships (Kashdan C Rottenberg, 2010).
The parts of yourself you avoid will show up in others until you recognize them as your own. The moment you face your reflection is the moment real freedom begins. The main message is that owning your projections is the path to self-awareness and growth.
Reflection exercise: Spot & own the projection
This week, when you feel triggered by someone, take a moment to engage in a mindfulness practice. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, imagining each thought and feeling as a leaf gently floating on a stream. Allow them to pass by without clinging to any one of them.
When ready, pause and note:
What did they do or say?
What emotion did it bring up in you?
Ask yourself:
“Is this about them, or is it familiar?”
“Have I ever done this, wanted this, or been shamed for this before?”
Close the loop by naming one thing you need to own or express internally.
This micro-practice interrupts the blame loop and builds self-leadership, one projection at a time. To deepen this process, consider sharing one of your discoveries about projection with a trusted friend or journaling about it. Making a public or written commitment can transform insight into enduring action.
Read more at Emma Abalogun
Emma Abalogun, Self-Leadership Coach | Speaker
Emma Abalogun is a Self-Leadership Coach, Speaker, and creator of the RAM-R™ Method—a four-step framework designed to help women break free from survival patterns, projection cycles, and self-abandonment. Her work empowers individuals to lead with radical self-worth, emotional responsibility, and authentic power. Drawing from years of coaching experience and a deep understanding of identity, leadership, and legacy, Emma helps women reclaim their inner authority and become the kind of leader their life and work requires.
References:
Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense. London: Hogarth Press.
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., C Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-emotion: How families communicate emotionally. Erlbaum.
Hayes, S. C., Wilson, K. G., Gifford, E. V., Follette, V. M., C Strosahl, K. (1996). Experimental avoidance and behavioral disorders: A functional dimensional approach to diagnosis and treatment. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, c4(6), 1152–1168.
Kashdan, T. B., C Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.
Mazar, N., Amir, O., C Ariely, D. (2008). The dishonesty of honest people: A theory of self-concept maintenance. Journal of Marketing Research, 45(6), 633–644.
Schimel, J., Pyszczynski, T., Greenberg, J., O’Mahen, H., C Arndt, J. (2003). Running from the shadow: Psychological distancing from others to deny characteristics
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