The Health Of Happily Ever After – How Mindfulness & Compassion In Marriage Contribute To Longevity
- Oct 3, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Oct 18, 2024
Her work as a Somatic Coach and Resiliency Expert draws on 30 years of Eastern and western traditions. Jennifer’s post-traumatic growth from having brain surgery was a catapulting force that led her to shape sustainable wellness solutions.
Marriage is often seen as a cornerstone of a fulfilling life, with many studies suggesting that married individuals tend to live longer. But beyond the statistics lies the deeper question: What is it about a marriage that contributes to longevity? For me, the answer lies not just in the act of being married, but in the continuous, conscious investment in mindfulness, compassion, and growth.
A personal journey: 67 years of love and learning
My parents’ marriage was nothing short of a testament to commitment and resilience. They eloped in college at a time when my mother was temporarily expelled for being pregnant. Despite societal pressures, they made a life together, one that lasted 67 years until my father’s passing three years ago. Their journey wasn’t without its challenges, but their commitment to each other was unwavering.
Reflecting on my own marriage, which recently celebrated 30 years, I’m reminded of a joke my husband often made: “Do married men live longer, or does it just seem longer?” It was his way of lightening the reality that marriage, while incredibly rewarding, can also be hard work. Having spent my entire career in emotional wellness, I can attest that the investment in personal growth within marriage is always changing, vulnerable, and ultimately brings inner strength.
The science behind marriage and longevity
Studies suggest that married individuals tend to live longer, but the health of the marriage plays a crucial role in this outcome. A marriage that fosters mindfulness and compassion, where both partners are committed to growing together, can indeed contribute to a longer, healthier life.
Mindfulness: The foundation of a thriving marriage
At 61, I’ve come to realize that the most important investment my husband and I have made in our marriage is in mindfulness. This practice has not only deepened our relationship but has also been a foundational pillar in raising our children. We brought them to mindfulness classes, believing that these skills would serve them well throughout their lives—and they have.
Mindfulness in marriage involves being fully present with each other, listening deeply, and responding with intention rather than reaction. It’s about knowing that we are not our reactive minds, a concept that is a game-changer, especially in intimate relationships. This understanding allows us to navigate conflicts with greater awareness and compassion.
Interpersonal neurobiology: Understanding the brain in relationships
Interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) teaches us that the skills we hone to be better partners—self-awareness, mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion—are not just psychological concepts but are deeply rooted in our brain's functioning"In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness," where Dr. Levine discusses these concepts in depth. These skills are practiced and developed over time, leading to better mental health and stronger, more resilient relationships.
Knowing that we are not defined by our reactive minds allows us to step back in moments of conflict, to see beyond the immediate emotions, and to address the underlying issues. This perspective is crucial in a marriage, where misunderstandings and emotional triggers can often lead to conflict.
Compassion and self-care: Essential tools for lasting love
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned is that true compassion in marriage includes both understanding your partner's struggles and knowing how to take care of yourself. In times of mental duress, when one partner lashes out, the ability to have compassion for what they’re going through, while also stepping away from the heat of the moment, is vital. This balance of love and boundaries is what keeps the marriage healthy.
This approach is deeply influenced by the countless eastern and yogic traditions I’ve studied, which emphasize the importance of self-care and forgiveness. Forgiveness, in particular, is a skill that requires growing beyond past patterns. It means letting go of the need for every conflict
to have a clear apology or restitution and understanding that sometimes, forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the weight of resentment.
The role of a healthy marriage in longevity
So, does marriage make you live longer? The answer lies in the health of the marriage itself. A marriage that fosters a sense of safety and security, where both partners are committed to growing together and supporting each other through challenges, can indeed contribute to a longer, healthier life. The commitment to love each other "in sickness and health" isn’t just about physical ailments but extends to mental and emotional struggles as well.
A healthy marriage provides a space where both partners can be vulnerable and strong, compassionate and firm, forgiving and growing. It’s not about fixing each other but about supporting each other’s growth, even when it’s difficult.
Conclusion: The lifelong investment in mindfulness and compassion
In the end, the investment in mindfulness and compassion has been the most important one I’ve made in my marriage. It has allowed my husband and me to grow individually and together, to navigate the inevitable challenges of life with grace, and to build a relationship that has stood the test of time.
Marriage, when approached with a commitment to mindfulness, compassion, and continuous growth, can indeed be a key to a longer, happier life. It’s not just about living longer; it’s about living better, together.
Take the next step: Free mini-course – "5 steps to cultivating mindfulness in your relationships"
Interested in deepening your connection and building a healthier, more mindful relationship? Sign up for our free mini-course, "5 Steps to Cultivating Mindfulness in Your Relationships." In this course, you'll learn practical strategies for integrating mindfulness into your daily interactions, helping you to create a relationship that not only lasts but thrives.
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Jennifer Degen, Somatic Coach and Resiliency Expert
Her work with health professionals, caretakers and leaders focus’ on Expanding connection, Opening to creativity, Life work balance, Embodied mindfulness, Self-leadership, Insight and Sustainable change. Mind Body Awareness is the intersection of somatic psychology, neuroscience, mindfulness and personal growth.
