The Anchor Beneath the Pattern and Why We Struggle to Change What We Know Isn't Working
Written by Vicki Yap-Khaw, Energy Coach & Facilitator
Vicki Yap-Khaw is an intuitive transformational coach, Kinesiologist and Sound Healer who has guided hundreds toward greater clarity and alignment. Founder of Quantum iLuminate and creator of Quantum Alchemy, she weaves ancient wisdom with a modern energetic approach to help people release limiting patterns, restore balance and transform their lives.
In my previous article, I explored what happens when we stop and listen to the messages our body may be communicating. But what happens when we hear the message and realise it isn't just about what's happening right now?
What if the reaction you're having today is connected to something much older? A belief. An experience. An emotional imprint. A way you learned long ago to keep yourself safe.
This is where we need to look beyond the signal and become curious about the pattern. Because sometimes, the pattern itself isn't the whole story.
There may be something underneath it, something holding the pattern in place. I call this the anchor.
Sometimes, finding the anchor can help us understand why we keep responding in ways we consciously wish we could change.
When you know you want to change, but can't seem to
“I’m so tired. Why is my energy level so low?” Martin looked exhausted.
Martin is a nurse in the emergency and trauma department at the local hospital. I remembered from our last session that Martin had some scheduled time off, so I asked, “Martin, during the two weeks when you didn't have to work, how did you feel?”
He let out a big sigh and rolled his eyes. “I could barely wake up in the mornings. I had no energy to do much. If I didn't have to walk my dog and look after my mother, I probably wouldn't have got out of bed.”
He yawned. Martin first came to see me six months ago after a friend suggested he see someone who could help clear his energy. Over the previous few sessions, Martin had rescheduled appointments because of work commitments or because his mum needed help.
“Actually, I didn't end up having two weeks off because they were short-staffed, so I got called back. I think I only had a week off,” Martin continued.
“My friend needed help moving house, and since I had time off, I helped her. I kinda twisted my ankle moving those boxes up the stairs.” He paused.
“My mum's health is deteriorating. She's getting weaker and needs support to walk.” Martin let out another yawn.
As he spoke, I noticed him massaging his swollen left ankle. “Have you had your ankle looked at?” I asked. “Nah. I don't have time. It's not serious. I can still walk, so it's not broken,” Martin said dismissively.
There it was. The pattern was hiding in plain sight. Martin was continually giving to others while dismissing his own needs. Even when his body was asking for attention, his instinct was to carry on.
Before I could encourage him to have his ankle checked, he added, “I hardly eat, and yet I can't seem to shift this weight.”
Again, his attention was on what his body wasn't doing for him, rather than what he might need to give it.
But what if the pattern of over-giving and ignoring his own needs wasn't the real problem? What if there was something underneath it?
The pattern is not always the problem
“I feel trapped.” “I want to change, but I can't seem to.” “I know what I need to do, but I keep going back to the same place.” These are some of the things I hear frequently in my practice.
The circumstances can be completely different, relationships, family, work, finances, anxiety, or simply feeling lost.
Yet underneath the presenting problem, there is often a deeper question, "Why do I keep responding this way when I know I want to change?"
We tend to focus on the visible patterns. The overthinking. The people-pleasing. The perfectionism. The emotional reaction. The difficulty speaking up. The tendency to choose the same type of relationship.
We try to change the behaviour. We tell ourselves to think differently. We promise ourselves we won't do it again. Sometimes that works. But sometimes it doesn't. Because the pattern may not be the starting point.
Something underneath it may be keeping the pattern in place. I call this the anchor.
What is an anchor?
An anchor, as I use the term in my work, is a deeper belief, emotional imprint, or energetic holding that can keep pulling us towards a familiar response.
It can develop through experiences that carry significant emotional meaning. We may not consciously remember forming the belief. We may not even realise we have it.
But somewhere along the way, an experience can become connected to a conclusion about ourselves, other people, or the world around us.
Some common beliefs might be:
“I need to take care of others.”
“If I meet my own needs, I am selfish.”
“I have to work hard to be worthy.”
“If I speak up, something bad will happen.”
“What I do will never be good enough.”
These beliefs can become so familiar that we stop questioning them. Eventually, we may begin to mistake the pattern for our identity.
“I just care a lot.”
“That's just how I am.”
“I'm just an overthinker.”
“I've always been anxious.”
But what if these aren't descriptions of who we are? What if they describe something we learned? That distinction matters. Because if we learned something, we could learn to relate to it differently.
Why do we hold on to familiar patterns?
As human beings, we naturally create routines, habits, and familiar ways of responding.
Predictability can provide a sense of safety. The familiar can feel easier to navigate than the unknown, even when the familiar isn't particularly comfortable. This can help explain why we keep repeating patterns we consciously know no longer serve us.
The pattern may have once had a purpose. It may have helped us feel safe. It may have helped us belong. It may have helped us avoid conflict.
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this pattern?” We can become curious about, “What is this pattern trying to protect?” That question can open a very different door.
Martin's anchor
For Martin, over-giving wasn't simply about being a helpful person. There was a much deeper story.
Martin was raised by migrant parents who worked incredibly hard to support their family. They often worked two jobs and rarely had any days off.
As an only child, he spent his formative years watching his parents work hard and sacrifice for their family. His dad would work extensively and rarely seek help when he was ill. Over time, Martin formed a strong association between love, responsibility, and sacrifice.
Beneath his pattern of constantly caring for others was a powerful belief, “Others come first; my needs can wait.” Underneath that sat an even deeper belief, “Love means sacrifice.”
For Martin, putting himself first had become associated with being selfish or failing the people he loved. His needs could wait. Someone else always needed him.
Following the pattern back to its source
During one session, I could see how much pressure Martin put on himself to make sure everyone was okay.
Rather than forcing him to think differently, I slowed down. I deepened my breathing and relaxed my own body. After a few minutes, I noticed Martin beginning to uncross his arms and legs.
“Excuse me…” he said, letting out a big yawn. His body appeared to be relaxing.
It reminded me of something I explored in my previous article: sometimes the body communicates what the conscious mind hasn't yet recognised.
So I gently guided Martin towards his childhood. “Martin, did you have much playtime when you were a kid?”
“Hmmm… I don't remember.” He paused for a long while, as though searching through his memories.
“I remember Dad didn't have good health, and Mum had two jobs. So after school, I had to help cook and clean. Sometimes, if I had homework, I would try to finish it on the bus because I wouldn't have time to do it.”
Suddenly, his face lit up. He had remembered something. “Oh! Our neighbour said they had a bicycle they didn't want. I loved that bicycle. I rode it everywhere.”
Suddenly, his expression changed. “Mum got very angry once because I lost track of time.” Martin's walls went back up. “Tell me what happened,” I encouraged.
“Mum took the bike…” he began. “She was very angry. She locked the bike away.” His demeanour contracted. A childhood experience had become connected with a powerful emotional meaning:
“I cannot disappoint my parents.”
“I mustn't be selfish.”
“I mustn't play or have fun.”
The young boy who needed to be a kid had received a very different message about what mattered. That helped explain the man who later found it so difficult to put his own needs first.
His instinct to care for others hadn't appeared from nowhere. It had a history. Underneath the behaviour was an anchor, “Others come first; my needs can wait.”
The anchor beneath the pattern
From an energetic perspective, I see some patterns as being more than thoughts or behaviours.
They can feel like something being held within us, an emotional charge, an energetic imprint, or a deeply familiar response connected to an experience. I often think of a pattern as a tangled ball of wool.
When the threads become tightly tangled, it can be difficult to see where one strand begins and another ends. Pulling harder doesn't necessarily untangle it. Sometimes, it simply tightens the knot.
Our patterns can be similar. An experience can become intertwined with emotions, beliefs, memories, and the meaning we have given to what happened. Over time, these layers can become tightly connected.
The experience may be in the past, but the belief created around it can continue to influence how we respond in the present.
This is where I see the anchor. The anchor is what holds the pattern in place.
It may be a belief about ourselves. A belief about other people. A belief about what we need to do to be safe, loved, accepted, or worthy. Because the anchor sits beneath the pattern, trying to change the behaviour alone may not be enough.
We can tell ourselves:
“I need to stop over-giving.”
“I need to stop overthinking.”
“I need to put myself first.”
“I need to stop taking on so much.”
But if the underlying anchor remains unchanged, we may find ourselves returning to the same familiar response.
This is why, in my work, I don't only look at the pattern. I become curious about what is holding it there.
What belief is underneath it? What experience gave that belief meaning? What is the anchor asking us to understand? When the anchor begins to shift, the pattern can begin to shift with it.
Not because we have forced ourselves to behave differently. But because something deeper has changed.
The knot begins to loosen. When the knot loosens, there is more space. More choice. More possibility. More freedom to respond differently.
You don't have to erase your history
We can't change what happened. But we can explore what meaning we have carried from those experiences and how that meaning may still be influencing us today.
The goal isn't to ensure that difficult emotions never arise again. Transformation can be much more subtle than that.
Something similar may still happen. The emotion may still arise.
Perhaps you notice it sooner. Perhaps you pause before automatically responding. Perhaps you recognise the old pattern. Perhaps you recover more quickly. Perhaps you have more choice. Perhaps the experience simply doesn't burn in the same way.
To me, that's part of what transformation looks like.
Willingness comes before release
“Martin, are you ready to let this go?” I asked gently. “I want to,” he replied. “But I don't know how to.” I explained that willingness can be one of the most difficult parts of change. Because choosing differently can be uncomfortable.
The old response is familiar. The new response isn't. Some patterns and emotional or energetic imprints may have been with us for a very long time. They may not reveal themselves immediately, and they don't necessarily need to.
The deeper work cannot be forced. We need to feel safe enough to explore what is underneath. We need curiosity rather than judgement. We need compassion for the parts of ourselves that created these patterns in the first place.
Sometimes the very pattern we are frustrated with began as an attempt to protect us. Understanding that doesn't mean we have to keep it.
It simply gives us a different place from which to meet it.
What changed for Martin?
Martin came into his next session smiling. His posture was different. “I have some interesting news to share with you.” “I lost some weight. I feel lighter.”
He paused, a sparkle in his eyes. “My mum told me to get the bicycle out. I've been riding it.” He spoke with a shy, almost childlike playfulness in his voice.
It might seem like Martin's mum had given him permission to play or ride the bike. But something deeper had happened.
Martin had begun to shift the belief, the anchor, for himself. His old pattern had told him, “You shouldn't play. You must work all the time.” He was beginning to create space for another possibility, “I can have some fun. It's okay to meet my needs.”
That is a very different experience.
Your pattern may be an invitation
The patterns we experience are not evidence that we are broken. They can be invitations to understand ourselves more deeply.
When we become willing to see the pattern and become curious about the anchor beneath it, we create an opportunity to choose differently.
What is this pattern trying to protect? What belief is sitting underneath it? What am I still carrying that may no longer belong in my present? Can I care for others whilst I also care for myself?
These questions can create space between who we are and the patterns we have developed. Because perhaps the pattern was never the whole of who we are. Perhaps it was simply a way we learned to navigate the world.
At Quantum iLuminate, this is the foundation of my work: creating a safe and supportive space for people to become aware of the deeper patterns and anchors influencing their experience, explore what may be energetically held, and support the release of what is ready to move.
The intention isn't to make someone “perfect” or promise a life without challenges. It is to help people reconnect with themselves, access more of their potential, and experience greater freedom in how they meet life.
Sometimes, what we've spent years trying to get rid of is asking to be understood. Sometimes, beneath the pattern, an anchor is waiting to be seen.
Read more from Vicki Yap-Khaw
Vicki Yap-Khaw, Energy Coach & Facilitator
Vicki Yap-Khaw is the founder of Quantum iLuminate and creator of Quantum Alchemy, a unique approach that blends ancient wisdom, intuitive guidance, and modern energetic practices to support personal transformation. As an intuitive transformational coach, Kinesiologist and Sound Healer, Vicki guides individuals to reconnect with their innate wisdom, helping them release limiting patterns and create greater alignment in their physical, emotional, mental, and energetic well-being. Vicki believes that true transformation begins with compassionate self-inquiry and the willingness to explore the deeper truth of who we are. She is passionate about supporting and empowering individuals to connect with their gifts, purpose, and true essence.
In the next article, we explore how to reconnect with and trust your intuition. Names have been changed to protect the client's privacy.
