Surviving the Loss of Your Children and Finding a Way Through Grief
- Brainz Magazine
- 31 minutes ago
- 9 min read
Written by Sam Mishra, The Medical Massage Lady
Sam Mishra (The Medical Massage Lady) is a multi-award-winning massage therapist, aromatherapist, accredited course tutor, oncology and lymphatic practitioner, trauma practitioner, breathwork facilitator, reiki and intuitive energy healer, transformational and spiritual coach, and hypnotherapist.
The loss of a child represents one of the most profound traumas a human being can endure. Whether that loss comes through death or through parental alienation when a child is psychologically manipulated to reject a parent, the grief can feel insurmountable. The pain doesn't follow a predictable timeline, and there's no single roadmap for survival. Yet countless parents have walked this unbearable path before you and found ways not just to survive, but eventually to rebuild meaning in their lives. This article offers guidance for navigating these darkest of waters.
Understanding your grief
The first truth you must accept is that your grief is valid, profound, and deserving of compassion from yourself and others. There is no hierarchy of loss. Whether your child died or has been alienated from you, you are experiencing a fundamental rupture in one of life's most sacred bonds. The parent-child relationship is wired into our biology and psychology at the deepest levels, and its loss activates primal systems of distress.
When a child dies, society generally recognizes the magnitude of your loss, though even then, people may struggle to know how to support you. When a child is alienated from you, the grief can be even more isolating because others may not understand that you're grieving someone who is still alive. You may face judgment, disbelief, or dismissal. Some may blame you or suggest you must have done something to deserve this estrangement. This compounds your suffering immeasurably.
Grief from child loss, whether through death or alienation, doesn't follow the neat five stages often described in popular culture. Your grief will more likely feel chaotic, cyclical, and unpredictable. You may experience intense waves of emotion that seem to come from nowhere. You might feel numb one moment and overwhelmed the next. You may oscillate between acceptance and denial, hope and despair. All of this is normal.
The early days: Survival mode
In the immediate aftermath of losing your child, your only job is to survive. This might sound dramatic, but it's true. The early period following such a loss can be so destabilizing that basic functioning becomes a challenge. Many bereaved and alienated parents report feeling like they're moving through water, like the world has become surreal, or like they're watching their life from outside their body.
During this period, focus on the most basic necessities. Are you eating something each day, even if it's just toast or soup? Are you drinking water? Are you sleeping at all, even if poorly? Are you getting through each day without harming yourself? These are your only benchmarks for success right now.
Reach out for immediate support. This might be a trusted friend or family member who can sit with you, help with practical tasks, or simply be present. It might be a crisis helpline if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts. It might be your doctor who can assess whether you need medication to help with sleep, anxiety, or depression during this acute phase. There is no shame in needing pharmaceutical support to get through the worst of it.
If you have other children, they need you, but they also need you to get help. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Seeking support isn't selfish, it's necessary for everyone's well-being.
Building your support system
Grief of this magnitude cannot be carried alone. Yet finding the right support can be challenging. Not everyone will understand your loss, and some people who love you will nevertheless say unhelpful things out of their own discomfort.
Consider seeking out specialized support groups. For parents who have lost children to death, organizations like The Compassionate Friends offer both in-person and online communities of people who truly understand your experience. For parents experiencing alienation, there are support groups specifically for alienated parents where you won't have to explain or justify your grief.
A therapist who specializes in grief, trauma, or parental alienation can be invaluable. Not all therapists are equally skilled in these areas, so don't hesitate to interview potential therapists about their experience and approach. You need someone who understands the magnitude of what you're experiencing and won't rush you toward "closure" or "moving on."
Some parents find solace in spiritual communities, while others find organized religion painful after such a loss. Honour whatever feels right for you without judgment. Your relationship with faith, meaning, and existential questions will likely shift repeatedly through this process.
Be selective about who you confide in during your most vulnerable moments. Some people will be able to hold space for your pain without trying to fix it, minimize it, or compare it to their own losses. These are your people. Others, no matter how well-intentioned, may not be equipped to support you right now. It's okay to step back from relationships that feel invalidating, even temporarily.
Navigating practical realities
Beyond the emotional devastation, you'll face practical challenges that can feel overwhelming when you're already barely functioning.
If your child died, you may need to make decisions about services, belongings, and estate matters when you can barely think straight. Lean on your support system to help with these tasks. Ask someone to take notes during important meetings or to help research options. There's no rush for most of these decisions, despite what you might feel.
If you're experiencing parental alienation, you may be navigating legal systems, court dates, therapy appointments, and documentation. This work is exhausting and can feel futile when results are slow or disappointing. Find an attorney who understands parental alienation if you can afford one, and consider working with a family therapist who specializes in reunification. Document everything, but also recognize that you cannot make this your entire life.
Financial strain often accompanies these losses, from funeral costs and medical bills to legal fees and lost work time. If you're struggling financially, reach out to social services, charitable organizations, or your community. Many people want to help but don't know how. Accepting practical help with bills, meals, or childcare isn't a weakness.
The long path: Learning to carry your grief
After the initial crisis passes, you enter a longer, less acute but perhaps more isolating phase. This is when many people around you expect you to be "better" or "back to normal." But there is no going back, only forward into a life that has been irrevocably changed.
This is when you begin the slow work of integrating your loss into your identity. You don't "get over" losing a child. You learn to carry it. The weight may never become lighter, but you gradually grow stronger at bearing it.
Create rituals that honour your child and your relationship. If your child died, this might mean visiting their grave, celebrating their birthday, or incorporating their memory into family traditions. If your child is alienated from you, you might write them letters you don't send, maintain a journal for them, or celebrate their milestones privately. These rituals keep the bond alive while acknowledging the painful reality of their physical absence.
Many parents find meaning in advocacy or helping others going through similar losses. This might look like volunteering with bereaved parent organizations, advocating for legal reforms around parental alienation, raising awareness, or simply being present for another parent in crisis. This work should only be undertaken when and if you feel ready, it's not required for healing, but some find it helpful.
Be patient with your own timeline. Grief has no expiration date. You may find that certain triggers—holidays, anniversaries, songs, places, seeing other families hit you with fresh waves of pain years down the line. This doesn't mean you're failing at grieving or that something is wrong with you. It means you loved deeply, and that love persists.
Rebuilding meaning and identity
Losing a child shatters your sense of identity, especially if being a parent was central to how you understood yourself. If you have other children, you remain a parent, but even then, your identity has shifted. If your child was your only child, you face questions about whether you're still a parent, questions that can feel both philosophical and painfully practical.
Part of surviving is slowly, painstakingly rebuilding a sense of self and purpose. This doesn't mean forgetting your child or the relationship you had. It means finding ways to live a life that honours both their memory and your own continued existence.
This might involve rediscovering old interests or developing new ones. It might mean changing careers, moving to a new place, or staying exactly where you are but viewing it differently. Some parents throw themselves into creative pursuits, writing, art, and music, as a way to process and express their grief. Others find solace in nature, in physical activity, or in quiet contemplation.
You may also need to grieve the future you imagined, the graduations, weddings, grandchildren, or simply the daily presence of your child in your life. These losses of imagined futures can be as painful as the primary loss.
Special considerations for parental alienation
If your child is alive but alienated from you, you face unique challenges. You're grieving someone who still exists, which can create a complicated emotional landscape. You may oscillate between hope for reconciliation and despair over the present rejection. You may feel anger at the person you perceive as having alienated your child, anger at systems that failed to protect your relationship, or even anger at your child for believing falsehoods about you.
Know that parental alienation is recognized by mental health professionals as a real and damaging phenomenon. Your child is in pain too, even if they're directing that pain toward you. They are being harmed by the manipulation they're experiencing, even if they don't currently recognize it as such.
Maintain hope without letting it consume you. Many alienated children do eventually reconnect with their rejected parent, often in young adulthood when they gain independence and perspective. Continue to make yourself available without pressuring them. Send birthday and holiday messages even if you get no response. Keep your contact information current. Let them know the door is always open.
At the same time, you must find ways to live your life now, in the present absence, rather than putting everything on hold while you wait for reunion. This balance is extraordinarily difficult.
Taking care of your physical health
Grief takes a tremendous toll on physical health. Research shows that bereaved parents have higher rates of virtually every illness, from heart disease to cancer to autoimmune conditions. The stress hormones flooding your system during prolonged grief have real physiological effects.
As much as possible, attend to basic physical care. Try to eat nutritious food, even if you have no appetite. Move your body, even if it's just a walk around the block. Sleep is often severely disrupted after child loss, so practice good sleep hygiene and don't hesitate to seek medical help for insomnia.
Some parents find that physical activity becomes a crucial outlet for their grief. Running, swimming, yoga, or other exercise can help discharge some of the intense physical energy that grief creates. Others find that their body feels too heavy, too exhausted. Be gentle with yourself wherever you are.
Avoid using alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. While the temptation is understandable, substance use ultimately compounds your suffering and interferes with the grief process. If you're struggling with substance use, please reach out for specialized help.
Finding hope without denying pain
Perhaps the most difficult balance to strike is between honouring your pain and remaining open to moments of lightness, joy, or hope. Some parents feel guilty when they catch themselves laughing or enjoying something, as if happiness betrays their child's memory. But your child, whether they have died or are alienated, would not want you to suffer endlessly without relief.
You can hold both truths simultaneously: you are devastated by your loss, and you are still alive with moments worth experiencing. These aren't contradictory. Over time, most bereaved parents find that moments of peace or even happiness gradually become more frequent, though the pain never fully disappears.
These lighter moments don't mean you're "over it" or that you loved your child any less. They mean you're human, and the human spirit has remarkable resilience even in the face of unbearable loss.
A message of survival
If you're reading this in the depths of fresh grief, you may not believe that survival is possible. You may not even want to survive. But countless parents have stood where you stand and found their way forward. Not because they were stronger or better than you, but simply because they put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
You will never be the person you were before this loss. That version of you is gone. But you can become someone new, someone who carries this grief alongside other aspects of life, someone who honours your child's memory through your continued living, someone who finds purpose even within the pain.
Reach out. Get help. Be gentle with yourself. Take it one moment at a time when a day feels too long. And know that you're not alone in this unbearable club no one wants to join. Other parents understand, and they're holding space for your pain even if you've never met them.
Your survival matters. Your life matters. And your love for your child persists, unbreakable, regardless of physical presence or absence.
Read more from Sam Mishra
Sam Mishra, The Medical Massage Lady
Sam Mishra (The Medical Massage Lady), is a multi-award winning massage therapist, aromatherapist, accredited course tutor, oncology and lymphatic practitioner, trauma practitioner, breathwork facilitator, reiki and intuitive energy healer, transformational and spiritual coach and hypnotherapist. Her medical background as a nurse and a midwife, combined with her own experiences of childhood disability and abuse, have resulted in a diverse and specialised service, but she is mostly known for her trauma work. She is motivated by the adversity she has faced, using it as a driving force in her charity work and in offering the vulnerable a means of support. Her aim is to educate about medical conditions using easily understood language, to avoid inappropriate treatments being carried out, and for health promotion purposes in the general public. She is also becoming known for challenging the stigmas in our society and pushing through the boundaries that have been set by such stigmas within the massage industry.
