Starting on the Road to Healing and Transforming Your Life
- Mar 10
- 8 min read
Written by Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey is a counsellor, life coach, supervisor, and critical incident debriefer. She has spent two decades in this field and works with individuals, groups, and businesses.
When I talk about healing with my clients, I often hear, “I don’t even know where to start.” My reply to them? “You start right here in this moment.” People often think that healing means you must go into the past immediately, and this can be a scary place to visit. While I will say that yes, the past is somewhere we need to go to get answers, the most important thing is how they are feeling right now. Healing is not a linear path. It is going up one road, then coming back down, and moving somewhere else. You go left, right, up, down, and sideways.
You may think that you have healed one part and then realize that you need to go back. This can be highly frustrating and painful, and this is where many people give up. My own healing journey took twenty long and lonely years. Why so long, you ask? Well, I had a whole lifetime of conditioning and layers to dismantle. I also had no one to help me because some of the people who should have been my protectors were the cause of some of my trauma. I had only myself to rely on, so this is why it took so long.
So where did I start? Thinking about it now, I started more than two decades ago. I just did not realize it at the time. I left school without any qualifications. Back then, my 12-year-old self did not have the capacity to learn. Throughout my school life, I was being abused, and so most of my childhood was spent in a state of survival. When we are constantly in that state, the part of our brain that is responsible for learning, the prefrontal cortex, is offline. When this happens, we lose the capacity to think rationally, to store information, and to learn. Our brains flood the body with adrenaline because it thinks we are in danger, so it gets ready to run or fight, and this is how I felt all the time. I then had a serious bout of depression that lasted for years, so again, I did not have the capacity to learn because I was still stuck in a state of survival. It was not until I reached twenty-five that I had leveled out enough to be able to try and make something of my life. I was working in adult social care at the time and was offered the chance to study for a qualification alongside my job. I was hesitant at first. “Can I do this? I have not got any qualifications.” I was worried that I would fail, but I had just enough courage to try. So, I did, and I did not just pass, I passed with a distinction. I can remember getting my certificate and just staring at it. I could not believe that I had done this. Me, who was told by so many people that I would amount to nothing. This lit a spark in me that is still there today. I did not stop studying for the next twenty years. And now? I have so many diplomas and certificates, it takes up two pages on my C.V.
But that was the easy bit. Throughout all that time, I was still fighting a war with myself every day. I still had zero self-worth and was suffering from painful emotions. I still wanted to end my life because every day was still so painful. I could not understand why I felt this way. Why did I suddenly feel terrified so often? Why did my body feel like it wanted to shut down? Why was my heart pounding and my skin sweating? Why? I was out of those situations, wasn’t I? I was safe now.
One day, I was doing some training around mental health and read about trauma. Suddenly, I had a lightbulb moment, and that is when my healing journey began. I had had various sessions of counseling over the years, which helped, but no one ever said to me, “You are suffering from the symptoms of trauma.” I had no clue what it was. I started studying it. I read everything I could on the subject. I started a training course on complex trauma. I learned about symptoms, triggers, the complex workings of the brain, and what trauma was. I learned about grounding techniques and why we use them, as well as ways I could cope when I was feeling dysregulated. I kept a diary and went inward. I wrote down everything, what I was feeling, when I was feeling it, where I was, and what situations I was in when I was in a state of fight or flight. I thought it would be easy because I had already suffered so much. I saw this as a lifeline, but this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Some days, I felt like I was trying to climb a mountain in high heels. Sometimes, I felt like I was going to die on that mountain. Sometimes, I felt as though I was hanging on for dear life with just one finger, the rest of my body dangling into the abyss. But I never gave up. I have always had an inner strength, and this has saved me so many times. I often felt like I was two people. There was a voice in my head saying, “I can’t do this anymore,” and there was another saying, “Get up.” The second voice is the one I listened to, and she has gotten louder and louder as I have gotten older and wiser. I have now completely regulated my nervous system. I know myself so well that I know what I am feeling and why I am feeling it. I still get triggered, but now I can ground myself in seconds.
So now my trauma symptoms are healed, everything should be tickety-boo. Well, actually, no. Yes, I had control of my symptoms, I had trained to be a counsellor, and my life was on the up, but I still felt so much shame and anger. I was lying in bed one evening, thinking about this, and suddenly it hit me. My younger self. I had abandoned her. The terrified child that had been abandoned by everyone around her had also been abandoned by me. The shame was instantly replaced by guilt, and this absolutely floored me. I cried and cried and cried. How could I do that to her? Well, I was trying to survive. I was trying to be a counsellor, a mum, and a good human being. The first thing I did was apologise to her, and then I got back on that mountain. I had to go back for her and step back inside that darkness. I took myself back to a child and thought about all that I needed at that time, love, care, nurturing, understanding, and safety. When fear came up, I would reassure her that she was safe and I was here for her. When she felt ashamed, I would comfort her and tell her that none of this was her fault. I did that relentlessly, and this was the most painful part of my healing journey because I had to face what I was trying to avoid, my family.
I have always been a truth speaker. My friends laugh at me because they say I am the person in the room who will say what everyone else will not. I love this about myself now, but it was used against me from an early age. When people in my family would behave aggressively, be unkind, and make others feel small, I would call it out. I would then be blamed for being the one who started trouble, the one who should learn her place, and the one who was difficult. I was called angry, I was told that what I was saying was wrong, and that it never happened the way it did. This caused me a huge amount of shame, and I thought I was the problem. Many years later, I finally realised what this was, gaslighting. What was happening was that my reaction was seen as the problem, not the action that had caused said reaction. This happens in a lot of toxic relationships, and my family dynamic was toxic and harmful. I knew that I had to walk away, but I still loved them. They were my family. Then one day, they pushed me too far, and in that moment, the decision was made. I walked away. The day I did that, I reached the top of the mountain. This was not easy for me. It was incredibly painful, and I had to grieve, but the lump that I always carried around with me in my chest, the feeling I had gotten used to, was gone.
So, I had healed my trauma symptoms, reconnected with my younger self, and cut out what was no longer serving me. I felt empty for a while, not sure where my path would take me, but what I had done was make space. Space for happiness, joy, and peace. This takes a little while to get used to, especially when you have been used to chaos, drama, and pain. But finally, I am at peace.
If any of what I have talked about feels familiar to you, then please know that you can heal. At times, it was only blind faith getting me through, but I made it. Healing can be scary, painful, and hard, but only you have the capacity to change your life. I learned early on that no one is coming to save you. You must be your own white knight and charge in and take control. You owe no one anything, and it is okay to put yourself first. Your body will always send you messages, so please listen to it. What is your body trying to tell you? Is your chest tight? Are you feeling hot and sweaty? Do you feel as though you need to get up and run away? Can you identify what emotion you are feeling? Shame, guilt, anger? Are there people and situations in your life that are not serving you? Are you carrying burdens that are not yours to carry?
Go inwards because that is where you will find the answers you are looking for. It is not outside of you, and you will not find them in other people. You are not responsible for others, and they are not responsible for you. All you need is courage and self-belief. You can be anything you want to be. The world is your oyster, you just have to believe it.
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Read more from Jenny Hersey
Jenny Hersey, Life Coach and Counsellor
Jenny Hersey runs her own business, working with people to create a life that brings them purpose and joy. A victim of childhood abuse, she has since dedicated her life to helping others. She works internationally and has clients in different parts of the world as well as in the UK, where she is based. Jenny's mission is to educate people about the ability to heal themselves. She believes that everybody should have access to counselling and life coaching, no matter what their circumstances are.
