Love vs. Limerence – Are You Head Over Heels or Just Chasing a Dream?
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 2
- 4 min read
Written by Sharee Shefket, Mindset Results Coach
Sharee is a highly experienced counsellor, hypnotherapist, and international best-selling author with over 20 years of experience working in mental health. She is also a results life coach, registered BWRT and Psych-K Practitioner, business owner, and Entrepreneur.
In the grand design of human passion, limerence and love are woven together in a pattern both beautiful and baffling. Both can set a fire and both can be fun, but they are not the same thing. Understanding these distinctions can help you sort out your feelings and figure out if you’re really in love or simply in the throes of limerence.
So what is limerence, anyway?
Limerence is generally defined as an overwhelming, obsessive feeling for another person. It’s that intoxicating rush of excitement you get when you first meet someone who takes your heart and soul prisoner. With limerence, an intense, irresistible longing for emotional reciprocation is prevalent, which can result in daydreaming, fixating thoughts about them, love gained and lost over again by how we love them and how they respond.
Pretend you’re at a party and you make eye contact with the ‘one’ across the room. Your heart beats faster, your palms sweat and suddenly the world goes away. You can’t get them out of your mind, replaying every moment that you spent obsessing over them in hopes that they might be feeling the same way about you. It’s called limerence, and it’s a dizzying, beautiful, bright and effervescent state that makes you feel as if you, too, are flying toward the sun on wings of one’s self.
What has love got to do with it?
Love, in contrast, is a deeper emotion that goes beyond the initial spark of attraction. It’s based on trust, respect and a profound understanding of each other. Love takes time; it builds and matures, enduring life's seasons side by side.
When you’re in love, you want the other person to be safe and protected, to be satisfied and rewarded. You offer to share suffering and to make sacrifices for the happiness of another. You have a relationship that is about more than the sexual attraction you share, but also about being friends and supporters and having similar goals for your future. Love is co-creating a life you’re proud of, tackling challenges side by side and highlighting each other’s victories.
How to tell the difference?
So, how do you know you’re limerent vs. in true love? Here are some key markers to guide you through your feelings:
1. Duration of feelings
Feelings of limerence don't last very long and are usually filled with extreme highs and lows. If they wane, fast, or seem to hinge on what the other does, you might be in limerence. Love, by contrast, is enduring and gets better with age, right?
2. Focus on the other
In limerence, one is in the clouds and tends to think the grass of the other person is greener. Love, you see, it's the realisation of your partner, their flaws and talents, and love for them as they are. With love, you notice all their quirks and imperfections and find them endearing; with limerence, they seem flawless and untouchable.
3. A need for connection
Limerence often has to do with the excitement of the chase and wanting what you can’t have. If your attention is mainly focused on the ways the other person makes you feel, you may have limerence. In love, the longing to be close is reciprocal because both parties care about each other’s well-being.
4. Emotional stability
Limerence could cause emotional turmoil; you suddenly have mood swings depending on what the other person does. But love gives you a base, you feel at ease, even when everything is hard.
5. Future vision
If your visions of the relationship are mostly about today and the relationship thrills you because of what it’s bringing you: happiness in the short run may be in limerence. Love, by contrast, is all about futures you plan and work towards.
It’s important for your emotional health to know the difference between love and limerence. While limerence might feel exciting and intoxicating, it tends not to have the depth and stability that is present in real love. If you’re limerent, pining, or obsessing, a therapist may be useful.
Tune into your feelings and the dynamics of your relationship, and you'll find the clarity to know what your heart really wants.
So, whether you’re swept up in that heady surge of limerence or are enjoying the glow of real-deal love, don’t forget that both are part of the exquisite process of being in love. Welcome the lessons they offer, and follow your heart to the love your heart deserves.
Read more from Sharee Shefket
Sharee Shefket, Mindset Results Coach
Sharee is a remarkable leader in the mental health field, boasting over 20 years of extensive experience as a counsellor, hypnotherapist, successful entrepreneur, international best-selling author. She is not just a professional; she’s a catalyst for change, dedicated to helping individuals discover their purpose and live their most fulfilling lives.
