Lessons Trom The Borderline
Written by: Luke Hampel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
There is probably no diagnosis that brings a greater relief to families and friends than Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This pattern of behavior in an individual forces us to question our kindness, doubt our goodness, and even rethink our worldview. BPD as an illness is especially devious because it likes to hide out in the subconscious, and therefore people with it are unlikely to reach out for help, or even when they do, to understand what kind of help they need.
“Walking on eggshells”. That’s the first impression that comes to mind. When someone has BPD, the spotlight is on you; it feels like they are watching your every move. They desperately want to be liked, and are always looking for signs of your validation or rejection, your love or hate; is what you are doing right or wrong. Their questioning of us forces us to question ourselves, but even if we patiently and generously reassure them, help them or generally consent to their perspective, it’s never enough for them to feel validated or loved. They can get impulsive and angry. They can violate our most sacred boundaries. They can scare us, and then say it’s all no big deal. Even the most passive and kind among us get frustrated. When is enough?!
Lesson #1 It’s Okay to Be Selfish ‒ Like with addiction, there is no limit to the amount of help you can give someone with BPD, but their situation will not improve. Too many of us feel guilty about even saying “no” , and this type will take advantage. Moreover, people with BPD do not accept “no” easily, and will likely try to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary. Since you are their problem, you must also be their solution.
Ask yourself, “What am I actually responsible for?” Someone with BPD is so good at shifting responsibility to other people that you can end up feeling guilty even when you do try to help them. Instead, we can do our best to inspire change, because oftentimes the most kind thing we can do for others is to show them how to do it ourselves.
“Making Everything About Themselves”. This is another common impression they give. People with BPD have a way of trivializing our emotions or telling us a different version of the story. There is a certain self-doubt they like to incur, because they will not admit fault for anything. They may have a certain charisma, but too often it gives way to petty vanity. We may decide to trust, to open up and be vulnerable with them only to find ourselves feeling totally shut down. Even our birthday or wedding will somehow be about their accommodations or what they want. We start to feel crazy because they process everything through their egotistic filter, and don’t count others at all!
Lesson #2 Listen to people. Don’t invalidate their feelings or try to solve their problems. Be interested, engaged and attentive, or don’t do it at all. Difficult as it may be, we must seek understanding more than seeking to be right. Righteousness is a path to isolation. Only humility has the power to connect.
“Likes to Play the Victim”. This is another comment commonly made. Empathy means asking questions and doing our best to understand, without judgment. Sympathy is different and in the long term leads to codependency, because surely the person who is sick does not know how to get well. Assertiveness encourages responsibility for actions and holds people accountable, not to be mean, but to help others understand the consequences of their actions. Victimhood, however, is passive and an easy way to add flair and drama to our lives, but without recognizing the effect it has on others. The person with BPD is often impulsive, lies, or takes unnecessary risk in ways that only serve to amplify their victimhood. They may overspend and then ask for money, ignore health recommendations but demand greater care, or generally lie to make a situation seem worse and get a stronger emotion out of us. We must not take it personally if they lash out at us because we will always error against them. Subconsciously, that’s all they can see in themselves.
Lesson #3 Is this support, or is this dependency? When we use a ladder, we use it to complete a task, and then we put it away until we need it again. Support is temporary and takes us to a better place. Codependency, however, indicates a more permanent help, and usually goes in circles. Our time and resources are precious and no one is entitled to our help, even if they use guilt driven tactics like emotional blackmail or gas lighting. All help must come with boundaries so that we too don’t get dragged down into their misery, and without reciprocity and gratitude relationships can not last.
Borderline Personality Disorder is an anxious attachment disorder in the extreme. Boundaries are necessary in all relationships, but especially in dealing with loved ones that only take. Our freedom, our identity and our power exist within ourselves, and can not be found looking at others. The person with BPD is going to be angry with you for setting a boundary. This does not mean you need to feel guilty or responsible. In psychology to heal is to learn, and someone with BPD must learn new ways to earn our respect and attention.
Visit my website for more info! Read more from Luke!
Luke Hampel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
For Luke, the most important thing in therapy is being authentic. He takes a fundamentally client-centered approach, and therapy for him is a balance between providing emotional support with a fresh perspective. He acknowledges that all his clients teach him something important, and he considers therapy a special place of healing and opportunity.
He believes therapy is for the wise and the brave. Being strong means connecting with others and opening up to shared experiences. He feels his job is to provide a space for you to be yourself and to provide a reflection of both your unconscious and conscious self so you can discover more of who you are.
