Kindness Is the Key Trait 99% of Successful Couples Share
Amanda Youssef is an experienced Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor. She is the founder and Executive Director of Valley Connections Counselling, a multidisciplinary mental health clinic, and fosters connection as the co-host of "The Sound of Loneliness Podcast."
I’m often asked what the key to a successful relationship is. What makes one couple stay together forever and another fall apart? While many elements contribute to a healthy relationship, after working with countless clients for 15 years as a psychotherapist, I can say that happy, long-lasting relationships share one crucial ingredient: kindness. The little acts of kindness, repeated daily, make all the difference, creating the flourishing relationships that John and Julie Gottman call the "masters of relationships."
It may seem simple, but putting kindness at the heart of your relationship is key. Here is what you stand to gain:
Increased emotional safety and trust
Kindness creates a safe and nurturing environment within a relationship. When partners consistently treat each other with respect, empathy, and compassion, it builds trust and emotional security. This allows each individual to feel vulnerable and open, knowing they will be met with understanding rather than judgment. Emotional safety is crucial for deep connection and enables partners to navigate difficult conversations and disagreements constructively. It reduces defensiveness and fosters a sense of being truly seen and accepted. Without this foundation of kindness, trust erodes, making it difficult to maintain a healthy and lasting bond.
Enhanced communication and reduced conflict
Kindness plays a pivotal role in healthy communication. When partners approach each other with kindness, they are more likely to listen actively, validate each other's feelings, and express themselves respectfully. Kind communication minimizes misunderstandings and prevents disagreements from escalating into hurtful arguments. Even when discussing sensitive topics, a kind approach allows for open and honest dialogue without resorting to blame or criticism. This positive communication style creates a cycle of understanding and strengthens the bond between partners, helping them navigate challenges as a team rather than as adversaries.
Strengthened intimacy and connection
Kindness is the language of love in action. Small gestures of kindness, like a thoughtful note, a helping hand, or simply expressing appreciation, demonstrate care and affection. These acts of kindness cultivate a sense of closeness and deepen the emotional connection between partners. When partners feel valued and appreciated, they are more likely to feel loved and desired, which strengthens intimacy. Kindness fosters a sense of belonging and creates a warm, loving atmosphere within the relationship. It reminds partners of their commitment to each other and reinforces the positive aspects of their bond.
Resilience to help weather storms
Life inevitably throws curveballs, and relationships are not immune to stress and challenges. Kindness acts as a buffer during difficult times. When partners are consistently kind to each other, they are better equipped to navigate stressful situations together. Kindness provides a sense of stability and support, allowing couples to lean on each other during tough times. It fosters resilience by reminding partners of their shared values and their commitment to supporting each other, no matter what. This shared resilience strengthens the relationship and helps it withstand even the most challenging storms.
A positive feedback loop
Kindness is contagious. When one partner shows kindness, it often inspires the other to reciprocate. This creates a positive feedback loop where acts of kindness are exchanged, fostering a culture of appreciation and love within the relationship. This cycle of kindness strengthens the bond and creates a harmonious, supportive environment. It reinforces positive interactions and makes it more likely that partners will continue to treat each other with kindness and respect. This positive cycle contributes to long-term relationship satisfaction and happiness.
Make death wait a little longer to part you
You know that part in traditional wedding vows that no one really likes to think about? The “'til death do us part” promise? Well, kindness may actually help you live longer with your true love. Research indicates several physical healing effects and benefits of kindness, including reduced blood pressure and cortisol levels, increased cardiovascular health, improved immunity and pain tolerance, and an overall increase in lifespan.
Kindness isn’t rocket science, but it does take what I like to call intentional attention. You need to choose to attend to the needs of your relationship daily. Below are some ways to infuse your interactions with kindness. If you find yourself struggling, consider seeking the support of a therapist.
10 ways to add kindness to your relationship
1. Active listening
Put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen when your partner is talking. Don't just wait for your turn to speak; focus on understanding their perspective and feelings.
2. Express appreciation
A simple "thank you" can go a long way. Acknowledge and appreciate the things your partner does, both big and small. Let them know you notice and value their efforts.
3. Small acts of service
Offer to help with a chore, make them a cup of tea, or run an errand. These small acts of service demonstrate that you're thinking of them and willing to lend a hand.
4. Thoughtful gestures
Leave a loving note, surprise them with their favorite snack, or plan a spontaneous date night. These thoughtful gestures show that you care and are invested in making them happy.
5. Words of affirmation
Tell your partner what you love and appreciate about them. Express your admiration and affection verbally. Words have power, so use them to build your partner up.
6. Validate their feelings
Even if you don't agree with your partner's perspective, acknowledge and validate their feelings. Let them know that their emotions are important to you.
7. Be present
Put away distractions and dedicate quality time to your partner. Whether it's cuddling on the couch or going for a walk together, make time for connection.
8. Offer support
Be there for your partner during both good times and bad. Offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or a helping hand when they need it most.
9. Practice forgiveness
Everyone makes mistakes. Be willing to forgive your partner for minor offenses and let go of petty grievances. Holding onto resentment will only damage your relationship.
10. Show kindness to yourself
You can't pour from an empty cup. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself. When you feel good, you'll have more energy and capacity to show kindness to your partner.
Why is kindness so crucial for lasting love? Because it's not just a feeling; it's a way of being. By incorporating these simple acts into your daily routine, you actively choose to cultivate a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. The benefits extend beyond emotional connection, impacting even your physical well-being and potentially adding years to your shared life. A kind relationship is a remarkable achievement and one that the Gottmans would proudly refer to as masterful.
Amanda Youssef, Registered Psychotherapist, Executive Director
Amanda Youssef is a Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor who founded and leads Valley Connections Counselling, a multidisciplinary mental health practice in Burlington, Ontario. She specializes in individual and couples therapy, particularly focusing on relational trauma. Amanda is also a Certified Meditation Instructor and incorporates mindfulness into her practice. She created and co-hosts "The Sound of Loneliness Podcast," providing a platform for unheard stories and connection. Amanda is passionate about community building and supports fellow mental health professionals in leadership development.
