I Woke Up On Monday Morning In Tears…
- Brainz Magazine
- Jan 3, 2022
- 4 min read
Written by: Oksana Irwin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A memory showed up on Facebook from 6 years ago. I was at our corporate Christmas party at a gorgeous venue with hundreds of people.
The atmosphere was incredible. I looked stunning in my new cocktail dress and heels. The smile on my face said that I was happy and on top of the world. Everyone who saw me that night though that I was THE happiest person in the room. I was giggling, cheering, dancing, and celebrating. I was the life of the party. Having fun, mingling, flirting, and being a social butterfly.
That, however, was the picture of me everyone else got to see that night. In reality, it was all a big fat lie. The outward me that night was a complete façade.
On the inside, I felt completely broken. I was hiding the fact that I was immensely hurting. I was feeling insecure, inferior, and lonely. The wounds from my recent divorce were still fresh and I was still working through the emotional turmoil.
I was dealing with so many emotions and insecurities. YET, there I was…
Standing in the middle of this gorgeous venue, looking amazing, surrounded by hundreds of people, laughing, cheering, and leading the charge to the dance floor all the while CRYING on the inside.
The loneliness that I felt was unbearable. ‘Happy Holidays’ I yelled while raising my champagne glass. The unworthiness I felt was killing me. Meanwhile, everyone at my table was laughing at my hilarious jokes! The voice inside my head was pointing out to me ALL of my ‘flaws.’ It was telling me:
See how inadequate you are. You are single and unwanted. You are not perfect. You haven’t accomplished enough in your career. You are not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not enough, not enough, not enough…
The NASTY voice in my head was constant and harsh. It was making me feel disempowered, irrelevant, and insecure. I was hurt, bitter, resigned, and cynical. I was completely checked out and wasn't feeling alive.
I was always looking for someone's validation, being ‘ultra nice’, comparing myself to everyone, and feeling like I don’t belong. I was so closed off, hiding and protecting myself from pain and disappointments. Because I felt like I could not bear another heartbreak.
The pain I experienced that knight forced so many realizations. And I knew that I can't go on like that and I had to make a change and NOW. Looking back at that night in hindsight, it makes total sense now.
I had to EXPERIENCE that pain. And I had to FACE it. I had to LOOK at myself, feeling so low about myself and I had to confront ME.
That PAIN forced me to decide:
How do I WANT my life to BE.
How do I WANT to FEEL about myself?
What is REALLY possible for ME?
The PAIN forced me to ask myself:
How is this serving ME?
Who is benefiting when I am hurting and not valuing myself?
Who is winning when I’m feeling unloved and disempowered?
And how long am I willing to go on like this?
The pain I experienced that night PUSHED me forward to start living my life differently.
And instead of continuing to indulge in an almost cruel level of self-deterioration and disempowerment, I started dealing with my fears and self-imposed limiting beliefs.
I started the journey of healing myself, releasing the negative emotions that were holding me back, showing up for myself, honoring and valuing myself, and slowly opening up my heart.
I got the courage to be authentic and vulnerable. I released the need to project an illusion of perfectionism and replaced it with the possibility of creating a beautiful life for myself.
I spend my time healing, loving, and empowering myself, and manifesting a completely different reality for me.
Only a year later I met my wonderful partner and it has been an incredible ride ever since.
When we get in alignment with our vision, things can shift in a matter of days!
Looking back now, I can clearly see that all of that time when I thought nothing was working –everything WAS working FOR me after all.
My message to you today…
Regardless of where you are in your life and love journey now know that this is NOT the end. This is only the beginning of the rest of your life. You can turn things around and manifest miracles. You have more power than you know you hold. And you are a gift for someone to have.
And if you are feeling lonely, hopeless, or disconnected, during this holiday season, know that what you want is already exists.
It’s already has been created in Quantum just because you want it.
You are already worthy.
And your Higher Self is already guiding you to your dreams.
Listen to her.
Follow her.
BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.
Manifest your Highest Timeline.
INTENTIONALLY.
Happy holidays!
You got this!
Cheering you on,
Oksana
If you want to have success, Every. Single. Time in your dating experience without relying on ‘luck’ or ‘chance’, connect with me at my LinkedIn, Facebook Profile and connect with me on Instagram or visit my website. I look forward to sharing my zone of genius with you!
Oksana Irwin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Oksana Irwin is a Certified Mars – Venus Life and Relationship Coach, trained by the legendary John Gray. She is on a continuing mission to change the world one love story at a time! Oksana is a leader in the dating and relationship coaching field. She equips her clients with powerful behaviors, winning mindsets, and gender intelligence knowledge that empowers them to unleash their mental and emotional constraints and achieve their very best in love, life, and career. Within 3 years of sadly losing both her long-term marriage and role in a thriving family business, Oksana has created a new loving, passionate relationship and built a successful coaching business. She turned her pain into passion, passion into purpose, and purpose into profit by helping many women along the way.
She impacts her clients by unlocking access to feminine power, lowering stress, and skyrocketing confidence. Her clients learn effective and powerful gender dynamics, sufficient hormonal balance, and potent attraction and polarity techniques that produce outstanding results in creating loving and lasting passionate relationships and thriving successful and fulfilling lives.
