How to Spot Seven Green Flags of Authentic Vulnerability in Relationships
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 5 min read
Written by Latasha Nicole Phillips, Life Purpose Coach
SoulFlwr LLC is a sacred service-oriented business with a focus on assisting those who come in contact with personal development progression with a focus on the self.
Vulnerability is arguably one of the most unpopular aspects of a relationship. This is because negative connotations surrounding it can make us perceive it as too great a risk. Many of us fear being judged or rejected by someone we deeply care about, or that our raw emotions will be used against us. In either case, clarity about who to be vulnerable with and how to do so often falls through the cracks. Many avoid it altogether, deeming it unnecessary and inappropriate.
But how can we build a foundation of trust and integrity to grow our relationships without it? In fact, how can we even grow personally without practicing some form of it ourselves? In this article, we will outline seven clear green flags of authentic vulnerability, so that we can practice this vital interpersonal skill appropriately.
What is vulnerability?
Some of the most revolutionary thoughts on this topic come from the social worker and thought leader Brené Brown. She defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. While these three things can be intimidating, Brown helps us reconcile vulnerability with courage because it takes courage to practice something that makes us feel so out of control. It also challenges us to practice what we preach. Our desperate need for control, especially in our relationships, makes it difficult to even consider, let alone implement, true vulnerability. But take heart. We have identified seven green flags that distinguish appropriate vulnerability from what is not.
Context and timing
A time and place for everything is especially true when it comes to vulnerability. In my experience, the best time to be vulnerable is when conflict arises between me and my closest loved ones, my spouse, a sibling, a relative, my parents, or a trusted friend. Conflict is the best catalyst for growth in relationships, offering an opportunity to become even closer. My strongest intention is to express deep love and for them to know that I do not intentionally do or say anything to hurt them. This helps them see clearly that they are worth the uncertainty, emotional exposure, and risk that vulnerability requires. Most of all, I want them to know they can trust me. This means being brave enough to put everything on the table so I can take responsibility for my part of the conflict.
Years ago, I feared that my vulnerability would be ridiculed, as it was in my childhood. Growing up in a big family in a small town, my past is filled with incidents where my vulnerability was used against me. I was always willing to be open, but unfortunately, this was rarely reciprocated healthily. As a result, I was manipulated by family and friends alike. My experience with being vulnerable with strangers was a completely different story. They held a sacred space for me and showed me compassion that I did not even know I needed. We must, however, use discernment to know who to be vulnerable with.
Another misconception I had was believing that someone who overshared their life experiences and issues was genuinely interested in a relationship. I learned the hard way that this is a fast track to being gaslit, manipulated, used, and flat-out abused. Be aware of those who want to attach to you without taking the time to get to know you.
Emotional availability and reciprocity
An emotionally available person is in touch with their own feelings, communicates them truthfully, and encourages others to express their true feelings. This demonstrates a willingness to take emotional risks for the healing and growth of the relationship. This equal exchange of energy helps create a safe space for practicing vulnerability. Knowing that it takes great courage for someone to reveal their true emotions, I make it my strongest intention to listen attentively. I remain mindful and observant when someone is nervous, uncomfortable, or hesitant while sharing something difficult. This allows me to give genuine feedback that includes my own emotional investment.
Now, for me, vulnerability is simply not just sharing emotions. For instance, there may be an adjustment necessary in order to resolve a conflict. This includes walking the walk that I talked about. This intention shows that I am keeping my end of the bargain to protect the emotional security of my relationships. I expect my beloved to do the same.
No hidden motives
In all of my closest relationships, I have one golden rule, even though mistakes will be made, we must not intentionally hurt, manipulate, or be emotionally unavailable to each other. This ensures that we are genuinely growing together and fosters a deep intimacy rooted in emotional security. By communicating with integrity, there is a greater chance that we will grow closer, creating a sacred space that encourages mutual vulnerability.
Shows maturity by taking responsibility
Vulnerability is a profound demonstration of maturity. It possesses several emotionally mature traits. Some of the traits are self-awareness, personal responsibility, and especially courage. Choosing to be vulnerable means you are secure enough to be seen as imperfect and brave enough to face the risk of judgment or rejection. That is a boss move, not a weakness. Be aware of those who see it as a weakness and adjust accordingly.
Learned to respect boundaries
Everything begins with the self. Therefore, our priority is to become comfortable with our own vulnerability, which, in turn, helps us recognize it in others. By making vulnerability a personal practice, we also learn to appreciate the importance of trust, honesty, and clear boundaries in all relationships. Vulnerability is most successful when we respect others' boundaries, and we can do this by developing our own empathy and understanding the importance of protecting our own emotional space.
Consistent
In my own life, I have practiced vulnerability while making amends for my past mistakes. It was incredibly difficult, and I felt humiliated and awkward, to say the least. It is not the most comfortable practice for those of us who seek to control the outcome. But I knew that I could not do that because the ball was not in my court, so to speak. I knew that in my relationships, I lacked integrity. This, along with my codependent behaviors, caused much interpersonal conflict. I know now that I was possessed by my addiction to self-betrayal. Being exposed for that was highly embarrassing.
However, I do believe that my relationships were restored through the intentional and consistent practice of mindfulness and vulnerability. I continued this practice regardless of how others responded. Eventually, despite the pain and suffering I had caused myself and my loved ones, I was able to forgive, be forgiven, and salvage the relationships that had been damaged.
Be brave
Embracing vulnerability is an intentional, lifelong practice. There is no end goal. It is a continuous act of choosing connection over conflict, authenticity over self-betrayal, and courage over fear. And while the path may hold moments of discomfort and uncertainty, it also has the potential to create profound joy, healing, and growth. Again, we are not weak for taking emotional risks for the relationships we value. Despite popular belief, it is a testament to our maturity and strength. Now, with a deeper understanding of the courage it takes, take your first brave step. Soulflwr would love to cheer you on as you grow. Please contact us here for coaching. We also have an episode on vulnerability on our SoulGarden podcast on YouTube. We post episodes regularly on Sunday nights.
Read more from Latasha Nicole Phillips
Latasha Nicole Phillips, Life Purpose Coach
Latasha Phillips & Shawn Cross are African American female leaders in mastery learning and meditation fields who assist others in personal development and self-improvement endeavours. They have two decades of experience with various tools and resources that they currently use to live lives of inner peace and fulfillment. They created Soulflwr LLC as a sacred service to all who are ready to heal their past and themselves.
