How to Set Boundaries and Regain Control Over Your Life
- Brainz Magazine
- 11 hours ago
- 7 min read
Written by Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark is a certified and accredited coach and the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where horses with mental and physical traumas are healed. After the healing process, the horses assist her in helping people with the same challenges. She is also the author of the Horsiquette book, published in 2023, together with her husband, Mats.
Discover how horses at The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden guide us to stand in our own energy, honor our boundaries, and reconnect with our true selves, all through their presence, choice, and authentic connection.
Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” when every part of you wanted to say “no”? Maybe you have felt drained after helping others, carrying guilt for wanting rest, or silenced your own needs to avoid conflict. Setting boundaries is not selfish, it is an act of self-respect.
In the world of horses, boundaries are even more than that, they are survival. A horse needs to see your contours clearly, to feel where you begin and end. Without that, you remain energetically invisible, and no herd member can feel safe following you. Learning to set boundaries as humans works in much the same way. When your inner edges are clear, both people and horses recognize and trust your presence.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define where you end and another begins. They protect your emotional, physical, and energetic space.
In a herd, horses constantly communicate boundaries through body language, a flick of an ear, a shift of weight, or a single breath. Clear boundaries prevent conflict and create harmony. When your own boundaries are unclear, the herd or the people around you cannot read your energy. They may test, push, or misunderstand you, not out of malice, but out of confusion.
Learning to define your contours allows others to relate to you with trust and respect.
Why we struggle to say no
Most of us were not taught how to have healthy boundaries. We learned that being kind meant being accommodating. But horses do not interpret softness as weakness, they respond to clarity wrapped in calm.
When we overgive or say “yes” out of guilt, we lose our energetic shape. In a herd, that would make us invisible or even unsafe to follow. In human life, it leads to exhaustion and disconnection.
Just like a lead mare calmly moves another horse with a small gesture, you can learn to say no with quiet confidence, not force, just presence.
The psychology of boundaries
Healthy boundaries are not walls, they are filters that keep connection clear. Horses demonstrate this perfectly. They do not hold grudges or hide emotions. They respond honestly in the moment, then return to peace once clarity is restored.
Setting boundaries is not about pushing others away. It is about standing in your own energy clearly enough that others can meet you there. It is what allows mutual respect, the same principle that keeps a herd balanced and safe.
How to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed
In the horse world, tension tells the truth. If you step too close or send unclear signals, the horse’s body shows discomfort before words could ever describe it.
Humans have similar signals, the tightening in your chest, the fatigue after being too available, the quiet resentment that builds when your no gets ignored.
When you begin to notice these cues, you are reading your own body the way a horse reads energy, honestly, without judgment. That awareness is your first step toward self-respect.
How to start setting boundaries (without guilt)
Learning to set boundaries is a practice, one built on awareness, breath, and consistency. Horses do not need long explanations, they feel the truth of your intention. You can do the same.
Pause before you say yes: In a herd, hesitation is communication. Take a breath and sense what feels true before responding.
Start small: Boundary work does not require confrontation. Subtle shifts in body language or tone, just like in horse communication, can carry enormous clarity.
Notice the guilt, and let it pass: A young horse might test a new boundary, not because it is wrong, but because it is unfamiliar. Guilt is your own version of that test. It softens with practice.
Use clear, kind language: Horses read congruence: your body, energy, and tone must match. When you say no, let your body agree with your words, calm, grounded, and true.
Protect your energy like it is sacred: Your energy is the field the herd or your community feels around you. When it is strong and clear, everyone relaxes.
But when your words and your energy do not match, others, especially horses, feel it instantly. You might say “It is okay,” while every muscle in your body whispers “It is not.” You might smile, but your breath is shallow, your shoulders tight. Horses sense that split second of incongruence and become alert, unsure of what is true.
In the herd, mixed signals can be dangerous. A horse that says “I am calm” but carries tension in its body can trigger confusion or even panic, because the rest of the herd relies on energetic honesty for survival. The same happens among humans. When what we say does not align with what we feel, others sense something is off. Trust fades. Safety disappears.
Learning to align your words, body, and energy is not about perfection, it is about integrity. When you say no and your body agrees, when you express yes with genuine openness, the field around you becomes coherent again. And in that coherence, both horses and humans exhale.
The relationship between boundaries and self-worth
A horse with clear boundaries stands tall, balanced, and confident. When your self-worth grows, your posture changes in the same way, both energetically and physically.
You stop apologizing for existing. You begin to take up space with grace. Each boundary becomes an affirmation, I am worthy of respect. I am safe to be seen.
Horses recognize that energy immediately, it is the language they trust most.
When a wounded self-image shapes your boundaries
For a long time, I did not understand why setting boundaries felt so impossible. It was not that I did not know how to say no, it was that somewhere deep inside, I did not believe I was allowed to.
Like many highly sensitive children, I learned early to adapt, to feel the atmosphere, sense the moods, and smooth the edges of others’ discomfort. My self-worth became entangled with harmony. If everyone around me was calm, I felt safe. If someone was upset, I assumed I had failed.
Over time, this created an injured self-image, a quiet belief that my needs were less important, that love had to be earned through effort, and that safety came from pleasing others. When you carry that pattern into adulthood, you radiate openness but without protection. It is like standing in a field with no fence, kind souls might tread gently, but those with darker motives will see an easy entrance.
That is what happened to me.
People with psychopathic or narcissistic traits have a sharp instinct for identifying those with blurred boundaries. They sense empathy, kindness, and compliance, not to meet it, but to use it. At first, they mirror you perfectly, reflecting back the version of yourself you most long to see. It feels magnetic, fated, intoxicating. But slowly, the admiration turns into control, the charm into manipulation, and you find yourself shrinking in order to survive.
It took me years, and many lessons from the horses, to understand that my lack of boundaries was not a flaw in my personality. It was a symptom of a fractured self-image, one that needed gentleness, not judgment. Healing meant remembering that I am allowed to take up space, that saying no can be an act of love, and that my worth was never meant to depend on someone else’s comfort.
Inviting horses into your healing process
Inviting horses into your healing process can become one of the most powerful things you will ever do.
As a highly sensitive child, I learned to adapt to survive, to adjust my tone, my body, even my breath to fit the emotional weather around me. Horses did not let me do that. They responded only to truth. When I pretended to be fine, they turned away. When I softened into honesty, they came closer.
In their presence, I began to remember what authenticity feels like, that calm, steady pulse of being exactly who you are. Horses do not need perfection, they need coherence. And as I practiced that, I began to rebuild trust in myself.
That is the quiet magic of healing with horses. They do not ask you to be better, they invite you to be real.
In conclusion: boundaries are bridges, not walls
In both human and horse relationships, boundaries are what make connection safe. They define our contours, the edges that allow others to see us clearly and know where we begin and end.
Without boundaries, the herd becomes anxious, trust falters, and no one knows who to follow. With clear, calm boundaries, everything softens. Safety returns. Communication flows. Setting boundaries is not a punishment, it is an invitation, a way for others to meet you exactly where you are. In that space of mutual respect, trust, the kind both horses and humans crave, can finally grow.
Healing, as the horses teach us, is not something we do to them or even merely with them. It is an invitation they extend through presence, choice, and connection. And it asks only that we pay attention, honor ourselves, and reclaim our own contours.
Read more from Ylwa Woxmark
Ylwa Woxmark, Equine-guided Recovery Coach
Ylwa Woxmark, certified and accredited coach and equine-guided recovery coach, has healed from childhood traumas and abusive relationships. She is today dedicated to helping people change their perspective on traumas to be able to see their strengths and to find their life purpose. She is the founder of The Horse Sanctuary in Sweden, where former traumatized horses assist her in coaching people with the same challenges. Her mission: Allow yourself a second chance.
