How to Hold a Vigil
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 15
- 6 min read
Veronica Wiley (they/them) is a compassionate caregiver and educator about death, dying, and grief. They are the founder and CEO of Outside Rites, Ltd. and Corpse Pose Yoga, which focuses on incorporating the philosophy of Yoga and ecopsychology to create experiences of conscious living and dying for their clients.
A simple guide to holding space, people, and intentions during times of intense change or profound loss. As an end-of-life professional, a significant part of the work I do with clients is helping them prepare for their final days by creating a vigil plan. These plans can include details about where they want to be, what room in the house, indoors, outdoors, a room with a view, etc.; who they want around them; what kind of music they want playing, or noise in the background; what kind of scents they want to be surrounded by.
Creating these plans may seem like an unwanted chore to some, but the idea of preparing for death may feel overwhelming and is often avoided as long as possible. However, as the late poet Andrea Gibson wrote, “If we never deny the inevitable end of the story, we will write it more beautiful while we’re alive.” Death does not always have to be a tragedy. That is not to say that there aren’t tragic deaths occurring daily. Just that, if we accept the fact of our own mortality, we can take ownership of the decisions that are in our control.
What is a vigil?
According to Merriam-Webster, a vigil is:
The act of keeping awake at times when sleep is customary.
An event or a period of time when a person or group stays in a place and quietly waits, prays, etc., especially at night.
a) a watch formerly kept on the night before a religious feast with prayer or other devotions. b) The day before a religious feast is observed as a day of spiritual preparation. c) evening or nocturnal devotions or prayers.
In practice, vigils are commonly held after a tragedy has occurred, resulting in the death of one or more community members. A vigil can also be held while someone is actively dying a natural death. There are other times when a vigil is appropriate that have nothing to do with death or dying, but during times of struggle or anticipated changes. A vigil might be held for someone experiencing illness or personal crisis. It could also be used as a way to acknowledge deep changes in one’s personal life: milestones, rites of passage, or changes in relationships.
Planning and holding a vigil
As with any ritual, there is a clear beginning and end to a vigil. The reasons for a particular vigil are unique to each situation and the circumstances involved; however, the following steps can be used for any type of vigil.
1. Create space
Timing is important. In cases of holding a vigil for someone who is dying a natural death, it can be difficult to schedule when the vigil begins. It could be when the person transitions to hospice care, or when they enter the stages of active dying (often marked by deep sleep and changes in breathing). A vigil could be held immediately after the person has passed away. In other cases, scheduling may be determined by proximity to a tragic event (within a couple of weeks) or in alignment with whatever changes or milestones need acknowledgement. Plan for at least a couple of hours, depending on the intention and circumstances for the vigil. From experience, I can say there is something exceptionally profound about an overnight vigil that begins at sunset and ends at sunrise the following morning, particularly when acknowledging personal transitions or milestones.
Where is the most important place to be? In planning a vigil for someone who wants to die in their own home and in their own bed, every effort should be made to accommodate this request. If planning a vigil for a community after a tragic event, somewhere close to where the event took place and that can accommodate the number of people expected to attend is ideal. Consider whether the vigil will be indoors or outdoors.
Other questions to consider: How should the space look, smell, feel? What sounds are appropriate to have in space? Who are the people involved? How should they enter and respect the space, and how will those expectations be communicated to participants? What music, books, or personal objects should be present? Are there any important projects or conversations to be completed in this space?
2. Gather
At the appointed time, bring everyone involved together into the space created for the vigil. Again, every vigil is unique, and depending on the circumstances, this could take time. If a vigil is being held for someone in their final days, family members may need time to travel. Video conferencing/livestreaming can also be a useful tool for bringing people together if they otherwise wouldn’t be able to attend. For a personal vigil marking a milestone or change in one’s life, gather the materials intended to be used during the vigil.
3. Set intentions
Whether the vigil is for someone entering the dying process, someone who has already died, or for other transitions, it is important to name the intention. Speak out loud the reason for creating the vigil space and gathering. If with a small group, give all participants an opportunity to share their reason for being present. With a larger group, this could be a moment to quietly reflect and write down an intention. This step in the process does not have to take long. Acknowledging the reason and intention for the vigil is important because it helps to create a conscious container for the wide range of emotional experiences that can come up during a vigil.
4. Hold the vigil
As previously mentioned, the length of time for a vigil can vary depending on the intentions and circumstances. A few hours for a large community gathering is a different experience from round-the-clock shifts for ten days. During this time, stay committed to the intention. Hold awareness. Say the words that need to be said. Be fully present. Feel the feelings. Hold the space.
Advice for sitting with the Dying:
Be patient. Pay attention to details. Protect their autonomy. When a person is in the stages of active dying, they may not be awake; however, the part of the brain that processes auditory input is often one of the last areas to stop functioning. Meaning that a dying person can still hear everything around them. Speak to them, rather than about them, and be intentional about what is said in the same room with them. Lean in to offer encouragement, comfort & support, and lean out when needing to receive support for yourself.
5. Acknowledge the ending
Endings can be incredibly challenging to face, which is why they are so often avoided.
Vigils create a container for endings: the end of a life, the end of a time of struggle, the end of one phase of life, and the beginning of the next. The end of a vigil allows for conscious acknowledgement and appreciation of what is gone or over and creates space for transition, healing, and even celebration. There are many different ways to symbolically recognize an ending: blowing out a candle, ringing a bell, or the reading of a poem or scripture. Be creative and find what feels most appropriate for the occasion. For a large group, consider an activity that allows everyone to participate in a meaningful way, such as a procession, a seed planting ceremony, memory boards or jars with pen and paper, an open mic session, or communal music. Allow as much time as feels appropriate and do not rush.
In cases where the vigil ends with someone’s natural death, remember that there is no medical emergency. Call the hospice nurse, but there is no need to immediately call a funeral home, and even if you do, it may be several hours before they arrive to transport the body. In the case of home funerals, the vigil may extend beyond the person’s last breath into ritual washing of the hands and feet, and preparing the body for burial in a shroud.
Ultimately, there is no wrong way to hold a vigil as long as it is done with care, respect, attention, and intention.
Veronica Wiley, Death Doula, Integration Coach & Yoga Instructor
Veronica Wiley (they/them) is a single parent to a teenager, a dog, and a cat. After the loss of a family member in 2021, Veronica shifted their focus to educating and guiding families through death, dying, grief, and anticipatory grief. Veronica has a BA in Music and an Outdoor Industry MBA focused on Ecotherapy in Palliative Care that includes a master's level certificate in Ecotherapy. They are an End of Life Doula and Certified Dementia Practitioner, as well as an Experienced, Registered Yoga Teacher (E-RYT) and Continuing Education Provider through Yoga Alliance (YACEP). Veronica is also a member of the Colorado End of Life Collaborative, a 501c(6) non-profit.
